Tag: self-sabotage

Truth Telling vs. Judgement

Truth tellers are the people in our lives who support us on our journey. They are the ones who truly love us enough to say the hard truths. Hard truths are the parts of ourselves that we are not yet recognizing for ourselves that others on the outside may see more clearly. They are oftentimes the hidden clues that once recognized and acted upon, could heal us of our self-sabotaging behaviors.

For a sensitive person or a recovering doormat, it is oftentimes extremely difficult to hear the truth about our behaviors and choices because it ignites the inner shame we already feel regarding the subject at hand. Our soul and inner guidance has been quietly urging us in the right direction, but we have not yet been courageous enough to follow it. Subconsciously, we know we haven’t treated ourselves well and we feel ashamed for it. When someone points this out to us, we oftentimes want to lash out because the shame becomes unbearable. We already feel bad enough and we misconstrue their words as attack rather than love.

We tend to use excuses as to why our behavior is okay and sometimes those excuses are finger-pointing at the person who is trying to shed light for us. We may excuse their observations as “this person is just judging me” Or “he/she isn’t accepting me as I am.” Or “why is he/she trying to control my life!

Regarding a genuine truth teller, this could not be further from the truth.

It is possible that we do indeed have “judgers” in our lives. I will not disclaim that! Most likely, they are the ones who are dealing with the same weaknesses we are (and are in hiding themselves) so they point at us in attempt to keep the focus off of what they, too, are doing. They are most often the low vibrating individuals in our lives that seek to hide their own lack of self-love by projecting that onto us. It can be a fine line discovering who we are dealing with unless we do some serious introspection.

However, the tragedy happens when we completely discount what is being said to us and we immediately barrel into our excuses with loaded guns of defense. Poor listening and immediately firing shots back at the person, never gets anyone anywhere.

For a person who has truly set course for healing their unworthy behaviors, examining the words spoken to us is crucial. We cannot and should not accept all that is coming our way; however, we should take some time to process the information effectively. During this time, we must stay in touch with what we already know for sure.

Inquiry questions:

  1. What is this person’s character? We know who people are whether we want to admit it or not. As sentient beings, we are privy to far more information than we allow ourselves to admit. A person’s character will tell you if their observation was coming from judgement or coming from love.


  1. Does this person function from a high level of awareness? Chances are you’ve had more than one conversation with said person. Does he/she live the words they speak? Is it possible they possess some wisdom that you have not yet learned? Are their words resonating in/for you? Based on past observations, is this someone whom I can trust?


  1. Am I hiding from the truth? As human beings we come equipped with a higher-self and a lower-self. We always have the choice to which self we listen to. The lower-self (ego) can oftentimes be the first voice heard. It’s loud, it’s disruptive, it’s disclaiming and it’s obnoxious. After the ego declares its position, it is the quiet, powerful voice afterward that will speak the truth. At this point, we have a decision to make. Do we listen to the truth? Or do we fall back into our distracting, egoic behaviors that we are used to?

Our distracting/egoic behaviors can feel verrrrry comfortable. In essence, we like it here because it is something we know very well. It’s the place where we stay rooted in our same ol’ perceptions and patterns of yesterday and keep repeating the same un-serving behaviors over and over again.

On the same note, truth can feel verrrry UNcomfortable. Oh, God! This means there is something wrong with me! I’m going to have to step outside my comfort zone to make change happen. I don’t like that! I’m going to find reasons why what I am doing is okay. And we keep on keepin’ on with no real change that could literally alter the course of our experience.

But remember, when we are uncomfortable, we are learning.

The truth tellers in our lives are a blessing from the Universe! I know they don’t feel that way when they ignite our egos and challenge us to be and do better; however, only Love would want better for you than what you have been giving yourself.

All great change starts with a change in perception.

And sometimes that new perception will come via a loving, individual who truly cares about your well-being and your life! It’s a choice to keep our hearts open and it is always our choice as to what we believe or not believe. I will never say, listen to all that comes your way. I will say when someone has the courage to speak openly to you, consider their words. Discover for yourself if they resonate in your soul and be courageous enough to do better for yourself.

Always remember… you matter!

Your thoughts?

What To Do When Your Fear Freezes You

We’ve all had those moments when we know we need to speak up or act differently, but choose otherwise. Oftentimes, we are later sitting alone with our regret silently pining a missed opportunity to speak our truth or act from our authentic center.

First off, congratulate yourself for recognizing you could have done better!

The first step to ANY change is recognizing our pattern and knowing we’d like to change it in the future. You’ve already taken an important courageous step!

The next step is to dig a little deeper into why you chose to stay silent. Was it a fear of offending another? A fear of losing the love/attention of another? Fear of being belittled or disregarded? Inquiry leads us to better perceptions.  Once we know what fearful thought we are holding onto, we are better positioned to dispelling that thought.

Anytime we don’t speak our truth, a piece of our self-worth dies. And anytime we do stand in our truth, a piece of our self-worth grows! By withholding what our soul is calling us to do can only hurt us in later on. We might experience missed opportunity after missed opportunity or allow our lives to remain small and shriveled rather than luscious and full.

Our journey here is to know Who we are, our worth and to live within the beauty and bounty of our souls.

Fear is only an illusion.

It is something that our mind (ego) makes up to keep us small. We cannot thrive when we are believing our lower thoughts and functioning from a dense vibration.

When we speak our inner knowing, our truths and our experiences, we are honoring the very essence of Who we are. When we honor our essence, we ignite our passion. We get stronger. Our confidence grows. We don’t fall for others’ manipulative tricks as often or even at all. Our entire being begins to thrive and each truth brings us closer to living a more fulfilled life!

Six Steps To Transcending Your Fear

  1. Notice when you are holding back. Mere ownership is more powerful than you think! Allow your process to begin.


  1. Ponder how you could have handled the situation better. Resist the urge to add emotion to it. Simply be with the situation and allow your higher self to speak up. How could I have handled this better? What would I be willing to do differently next time?


  1. Do not beat yourself up. You are a work in progress. We sabotage our growth when we continually beat ourselves up. Be gentle with yourself on your journey.


  1. Consider that all truth will lead to better results. Initially, yes, you might rock a few worlds when you start to have an opinion. So what. Self-worth is about honoring your authentic self. How you feel and what you have to contribute matters! In the end, the truth sets everyone free.


  1. Start small. Make a deal with yourself that the very next time you notice you are holding back, say something. It does not have to be some major grandstanding announcement. Something small, but truthful will do just fine.


  1. Release expectations. Remember, how others’ react is their reality, not yours. If you expect a certain outcome or reaction, you will be disappointed every time and most likely never want to speak up again. The only approval you need is your own.

Once you begin to “feel the fear and do it anyway”, you will begin noticing a sense of peace and freedom! Allow your new feelings to take root. Do not disregard your growth! You’ve just taken a mighty courageous step. Bring it to the Light and be proud of yourself! Onward and upward!

    The Miracle Of Gratitude

    Several years back I went through a tremendously difficult period of time.  Everything that I had known and attached onto in the physical world was gone.  My life had been turned upside down and emptied out much like one would do with a bathroom trashcan.  All that was left of me, was a floundering spirit not sure which way to go or how on earth I was ever going to recover from this emotional and physical upheaval.

    *The full story is in my book.

    For all practical purposes, I had nothing to feel joyful for.  Depression was very prevalent in my existence. Daily tasks were difficult.  I would wait to grocery shop or do laundry until I literally had no choice but to do so.  I could hardly stand to witness my brothers with their families, holidays were anxiety ridden and sad and suffice it to say, even though I had put on a brave face and showed up the best I could, I know my company must have been dank to be around.

    The one thing I can say, is that I was actively seeking for healing.  It was slow at first, but I could feel little micro-bursts of light coming in.  It wasn’t every day, nor did they last but a millisecond, but they were there.  My logical brain kept telling me, “It won’t be like this forever. Just hang in there.”  However, my fearful disclaimer (ego) would attempt to discount any hope as soon as it arose.  I had to literally force myself to keep a keen eye on the light no matter how minute it was.

    Along my path, I began to read about the power of gratitude.  I can’t tell you from what author or teacher it came, but all at once it was brought into my awareness.  Hmmmmm gratitude, eh?  Weeeeell, I don’t know about that!  First off, I don’t have anything to be grateful for!  My life is a wreck!

    However, I decided to explore this tool/option/idea further and made the concerted effort to give it a go.  Every night as I was falling asleep I would recite my gratitude list.  At first, it felt like I was lying to myself.  The list felt contrived and fake.  Even though I was listing them, I wasn’t truly feeling them. Yes, these things are in my life, but ALL of this other sh*t is here too!

    I can’t say it was an explosion of joy that came all at once like a firework in the sky, but I can tell you, my anxiety began to ease up, my breathing started to slow, my days became quieter, my decisions made easier, my smile came back, I started singing in the car and even breaking out in random dance when a great song would come on.

    Whoooaaaa!  Where on earth did this come from?  This is the old Kristen! My, have I missed her…

    My sweet, long-lost, beautiful friend, joy, was back.  And with joy came her cohorts:  hope and faith.  My life and attitude were shifting.  At first, I didn’t wanted to believe it and I was a little afraid of feeling joy again because I was still “white-knuckling” my existence waiting for another bomb to drop.  I recognized that I was sabotaging myself and I made a conscious, directed decision to believe that the joy I was feeling was for me to embrace and enjoy.

    Oftentimes in my life during moments of God’s miracles, I simply have no words…  I literally just shake my head in amazement and say, “Wow… Thank you, Spirit.”  In fact, I find myself doing that now as I’m writing this piece.  The change in my life was indescribable, but oh so beautiful.

    Gratitude is much like presence.  When you feel it, embrace and focus on it, nothing else can come up.  All that plagues you is released.  The mind relaxes. A new perspective comes.  Fresh ideas emerge.  Intuition is more clear and peace comes.  Much like love, gratitude can work miracles in our lives if we are willing to invite it in.

    I encourage everyone who reads this (no matter if life is grand or not-so-grand right now) to start a practice of gratitude.  All that you need, you already have.  It’s right before you, holding your hand.  You have not been forgotten nor will you ever be! Spirit is in our lives at all times and what we focus on, we attract more of.

    Open your heart to all the wonders and blessings in your life!  They are there!  I promise.



    Recognizing Your Doormat Tendencies

    It can be a very difficult thing to admit where we have been a doormat in our lives.  I hear the excuses repeatedly in others’ words as I, too, historically had heard the excuses repeatedly in my own.  The thing we have to realize, is the mechanics of “why” we have such a hard time admitting the truth of our behaviors.  Most often it is not because we don’t want see it, but because our ego does not want us to see it.  It is fighting against our growth.   Our ego is very cunning and very sly.  It can fill our heads with bounties of shame and belittlement, in a sense forcing us to ignore the truth before us.  Since, we already have a poor self-worth (shame), to admit yet another “fault” can feel like too much to bear so we subconsciously keep it hidden in hopes to hold onto some semblance of worth – even if it is false worth.

    When we begin to recognize our doormat behaviors, the doors begin to swing wide open for healing and advancement and over time, this would mean death to the ego (our lower self).  I have to admit I have heard some pretty darn creative excuses in my time!  Each and every time, I come to know even more deeply how much power we give over to our to our egos and how little we have honored our authentic selves.

    The road to empowerment is all about radical honesty with self.  It’s about standing up and saying:

    Yes, I handed my power over to him/her right there!  This is precisely the place I go wrong every time.

    Oftentimes, I believe we are deeply afraid to admit our doormat areas because that will mean we have to do something different right now, this minute, and we simply are not yet healed or prepared enough to do so.

    Rest assured, admittance is only the first step to healing.  No one can make you do anything that you are not truly ready for.  Know and understand that recognition of your disempowered ways is merely the gateway to building up your strength, faith and courage to be able to act from a higher place whenever you are ready to do so.

    Recovering from doormat hood is just that… a recovery.  It takes time, commitment and tenacity to start to living empowerment in all areas of your life.  To whole-heartedly admit your doormat tendencies, is to say YES to a better way of living… A life of brimming with respect, honor and fulfilled dreams.

    Encouragement Over Advice

    I recently attended a seminar where the speaker kept correcting  members of the audience.  When they asked for her “advice”, she quickly changed the word to “encouragement.”  When I heard that, a resounding YES!  sprang forward in my mind.  I have always been uncomfortable with the word “advice”.  Somehow it implied that I was better than another or all-knowing and it came laden with a certain type of pressure.  There was a certain degree of self-sabotage that came with that word for me.

    When I decided to become a coach/mentor, never did I think I was any more “special” than another.  The true push was that I had discovered a way out of the unworthiness that was driving my life and I felt on fire to help lift others out of their suffering as well. I wanted everyone to know the personal freedom and love that was available to us and just how to get there!

    The truth of what I do as a mentor and coach is to help remind others who they are, to trust what they already know is true for them and to ENCOURAGE their courageous warrior within.  This does not make me better than anyone or some sort of guru.  It only means I chose victory over circumstance and prevailed.

    In retrospect of my life, I realized that the encourager I am is a gift.  It’s not something I cultivated or practiced.  It is something that I have always done. It dates as far back as I can remember.  It’s part of me.  It’s my DNA.  In fact, it is so natural to me that I often assumed that everyone was this way and had many times felt hurt when I felt no one had my back or “got” me so to speak.

    As time passed I realized that some people are good encouragers and others simply are not.  It wasn’t for me to judge them for they had other spiritual gifts to share with the world.  It was my responsibility to seek out mentors and teachers that built me up instead of relying on my expectations of others. Instead, I sought out others who had been where I am and had just the right words to encourage my courage to move forward and try doing something differently.

    When I heard the speaker switching those two words, I knew had found a better feeling place for myself.  A potential block, keeping me from growing my business and reaching greater heights, was diminished in 20 seconds flat.  The pressure that one tiny word put on me was gone for good.  I don’t give advice, I give encouragement.  I help others recognize their worth and make empowering choices that will lead to a better fulfilled life.

    In gratitude to my teachers of yesterday, today and tomorrow.  Thank you.