Tag: self-love

The Point of Receiving

I’m sure you’ve all encountered a relationship situation where your person has finally owned up to his/her wrongs and apologized. It may even have been quite humble and very heart-centered; however, you simply were not at the point of receiving because the pain inflicted needed to run its course in order for you to be open to your person’s apology.

Just because someone finally sees his/her error, doesn’t always mean we have reached the point of returning to center. What mostly determines this is how often the offense has been committed and what came from the previous times. When we are repeatedly faced with the same disrespect or lack of compassion, care or respect, it can get more difficult to return to status quo because our limits are being reached and our patience is running out.

It’s important for both parties to know that sometimes the “offended” might need a minute. Not only is the “offender” learning in this situation, but the “offended” is learning too. Spiritual growth often takes processing time. All situations are designed for us to grow and learn from. What that looks like from person to person and situation to situation can vary greatly. Our job as an empowered (worthy) person is to take the time needed to feel our way through while staying connected to Source so we can come out of the situation better for having experienced it.

Relationships are so important and so incredibly relevant on our spiritual path of evolution. They are designed to show us ourselves. If we did not have them, we wouldn’t have the mirror so needed to reflect back our ways – good and not-so-good. How we handle and transcend what comes about is paramount to our personal growth, future empowerment and success of our relationships.

I’m not saying we have permission to hold grudges and stand in stubborn attitude.

I’m saying that giving yourself permission to return to center organically through process and connection is okay. This is about honoring your sacred self. If you are still hurting and can’t quite seem to meet your person at their apology (yet), you are only doing what is necessary to heal and return to the relationship whole. Returning as “half” isn’t going to cut it in the long-term. It would be like taking a short-cut that leads you in a circle.

With a deep understanding of this process by both parties, relationships can overcome some serious disconnection.

It’s all about respect and compassion for where your person is at.

I’m always so inspired and humbled when another accounts for his/her wrong doings. I see the Spirit in my beloved seeking higher, wanting more and desiring to overcome his/her fears and choosing differently next time. And even still sometimes it takes me a bit to process through my own emotions regarding the situation. The same goes when it’s the other way around. If I have offended and owned, I allow my person to return to his/her center on their own time as well. I do my best to give them the space and time needed to work through the emotion all the while trusting in the love between us.

Relationship offenses happen. They just happen. It does not mean our person is beyond redemption (nor are we), nor does it mean the world is going to end. It means we have come together in this relationship/situation as a means to evolve our sacred self to a higher level.

Standing in complete self-worth during these historic moments is a prime way to show our person that we love ourselves enough to not condone someone who does not honor us. When we are strong enough to say “enough”, we open the door for our beloveds to see their own darkness, their own fears and their own disconnection from Source as well.

A truly humble person standing in full responsibility understands this. He/she knows that trust was broken, pain was inflicted and time is needed. If your person attempts to manipulate or bully you into instant acceptance, there is most likely an alternate motive behind his/her apology. If this is true, it’s not your job to make him/her take ownership. It’s your job to stand in your self-worth and take care of you first no matter what. Your well-being is your responsibility and by making good choices rooted in your worth, most often your beloveds will see their error and make their amends.

Your thoughts?

Kindness vs. Attack

With affairs of the heart, we tend to want to grasp, cling and try to control because we are so afraid of getting hurt, losing control or losing the love.  We try to manipulate and morph our person into who we think he\she should be in order for us to feel comfortable. What we have not yet understood, is that all of those behaviors cause separation instead of unity.  Attack and control never really gain any forward ground.  We may be able to beat our partner into submission temporarily, but no true healing or connectedness has occurred.

In times of strife in our relationships, gentleness and kindness is key.  When we can find a balance between our self-worth and self-respect and couple that with kindness, we can gain much ground toward improving our union.  Kindness open hearts and allows for sight and sound and all anyone really ever wants is to feel seen and heard.  Once someone feels seen and heard, egos relax and healing can happen.  We simply will not get very far with manipulation strategies and forcing others’ to acquiesce to our ways.

Love is the great miracle cure.

Love (not meaning goo-goo ga-ga, I’m-going-to-die-without-you love), but Real Love, the kind that encompasses the graces of compassion, forgiveness, understanding, insightfulness and kindness is the entryway to conflict resolution. Any actions rooted in love, including well-thought out and placed boundaries, are never wrong.  What is rooted in Love, is rooted in truth and it is truth that can set us free.

This is not to say that this plan is foolproof for ALL relationships.  It’s all depending on both individual parties and where each one is at in his/her own spiritual growth/path.  If a person truly wants for healing, your kindness and gentleness can be just the key to allow this to happen. If your person doesn’t value you or your union, nothing is going to work.

In my life, I’ve experienced both types of these partners: The partners who were not at all interested in growing or forming a more solid bond between us no matter what method of approach I used and the partner who truly wanted to seek for peace and healing and was willing to do what it took to get there.  The former chose to stay stuck and living in his limited existence.  The latter was willing to look at himself (as well as “call me out” appropriately) in order to enhance each others’ lives, seek resolution and to live more joyfully together.

Standing where I am now, I know for sure that having a firm sense of self-worth coupled with the kindness in our heart, can perform miracles in our relationships. Where we were once misunderstood, we can now be heard.  Where there was once fear, there can now be safety.  Where there was once separation and conflict there can now be true connection and peace.

The Good Egg

I remember reading an article quite a few years back that was speaking on empowerment.  In this article, the author was saying that to love oneself is to give oneself the “good egg” instead of the egg with the broken yoke.  I remember being quite perplexed and somewhat taken aback by this.  At that moment in time, my immediate thought was “Dang, that just sounds selfish to me!  I always give the best to my people!”  It was quite apparent I had no idea what the author was really trying to say. Decades passed and life threw me many lies, betrayals and pain.  I set course to heal and man, how my mind and life changed.

After having done the work to heal my unworthiness, I began to see this piece in a whole different perspective.  Let me explain…

I believe what the author was really trying to say, is that we should not reserve all our “good stuff” for others.  When we always reserve the good stuff for others, we are forever emptying our cup and never refilling it for ourselves.   Sometimes, it is we who needs/deserves the good stuff.  A better empowered path is to give ourselves the good stuff (in this case love, honor, time, attention, respect) and when our cup is overflowing, we can then give even more fully to others.

I recently heard this quote from the wonderful Iyanla Vanzant who nailed it perfectly:

“My cup runneth over.  What’s in the cup is mine and what overflows is for others.  You can’t give to others if you are empty.” 

Oftentimes, we may think we are doing the right thing by repeatedly giving and doing and servicing and running around for others, but in truth, we are leaving ourselves an empty vessel.  We subconsciously believe that our loved ones will not love us if we fill ourselves up, when in fact, it is we who believe we are unlovable if we give to ourselves first. When we do these things without a fill-up for ourselves we can become exhausted, depressed, anxious, sad and unappreciated.   No one person can ever truly give and be everything to everyone without draining the heck out of themselves and eventually waking up one day in the reality that life has passed them by with no dreams fulfilled and no true passion ignited to his/her soul’s purpose.  We become an empty vessel living an empty life.

Learning to give to myself first – not in an excessive way – was truly a large and powerful step into my empowered life.  I learned that my boundaries were vitally important to my peace and well-being.  Where I once believed I had to give, give and give some more to my beloveds was replaced with, “I matter.  And when I am fulfilled, I am a better mother, friend, lover, daughter and co-worker.”  I learned very quickly, that the love I gave to myself enabled me to give an even more powerful and present love to others. I learned to rest when I needed rest, to exercise when I needed exercise and to say ‘No’ when the appropriate answer was ‘No’.

The shift in my behavior proved most interesting at first.  I had to practically force myself to lay my boundaries and then I would figuratively peer around the corner waiting to receive the fall-out of my new-found behavior.  Luckily for me, most of my family gave me very little resistance; however, there were a few that did not like my “new way” and came at me fairly strong with manipulation and guilt.  Immediately the doormat in me, would cringe and my thoughts would immediately go to “See!  You’re selfish!”  However… I would not set up camp there.  Through conscious practice of slowing my mind and allowing for processing (both theirs and mine), I began to notice that my boundaries were accepted and the resistance eventually ceased.  Consequently and with great awe, I noticed how my heart began to expand, peace and passion engulfed my life and I now show up an even better Kristen than ever before.

Love yourself first and the rest falls into place.

PS  You might wonder if now I give the “good egg” to myself?  The answer is:  I scramble my eggs.  :)