Tag: repeating patterns in relationships

Be Open to the Truthtellers in Your Life

We’ve all encountered those moments when someone attempts to tell us about ourselves and we just don’t want to hear it. Somewhere deep inside a mechanism kicks in telling us their words are not relevant to what we are going through and we kick the idea to the curb shortly after word three.

If this sounds familiar, this article is for you.

First, I’d like to state up front, this article is not designed to shame or attack you. It’s designed to get you started on your healing path so you can release your self-sabotaging behaviors for good.

All throughout our lives we encounter others’ opinions – some resonate and some not so much. However, there are those “special” times when we hear what someone is saying and immediately disclaim their insight because, truth be told, they are touching a place inside us we have worked diligently to ignore – our shadow side.

The problem with this mechanism is unless we are willing to hear the truth, we will forever wash, rinse, repeat the same situations over and over again. We then return to the same friends with the same problems and hear the same thing! At this point we begin to convince ourselves that our friends have no idea what they are talking about. They just don’t get it! Instead, we go find someone who we can fool and get the validation we are craving. However, if your friends or “truth tellers” have walked in your shoes and healed those same places, they mostly likely DO know exactly what you are talking about and are trying to help you. To continue to push away their wisdom is to perpetuate your story of pain and suffering.

After having experienced an awakening some years back, I learned this valuable truth:

We cannot do it alone and the truth will indeed set us free!

We need others to shine light on our darkness when we are blind – to love us enough to tell us the truth. And believe me when I say, it’s not any easier to be the truth teller! Truth tellers often get yelled at, shunned and even ignored after sharing the truth. They become the “bad guy” when in fact, they are the good guy!

Let’s face it, some people are not so easy to talk to (and this could be you). However, ironically, the truth tellers are the people in our lives that have the courage to at least try. They often know that they are risking the friendship and/or connection by doing so, yet they desperately want peace for their friend so they keep trying. It’s difficult to go up against the ego in a blind person. The ego don’t take kindly to truth! However, by altering your perception of your truth teller from “mean and hurtful” to “loving and caring”, you will hear them differently than you have before and shift can begin.

Healing one’s wounds and disempowered places begins with truth. Just like in Alcoholics Anonymous where the alcoholic stands up and declares, “Hello, I’m John. I’m an alcoholic”, the wounded needs to own their behaviors and begin to take responsibility. Ownership is Step One.

Hello, I’m Kristen and I’m a recovering doormat.

We cannot move forward towards a solution until we are ready to recognize the problem.

I remember the precise moment I took responsibility for my self-defeating behaviors. I was standing in my bedroom some time midday and I decided to try to locate the places I did not act from my highest self and the places where I was wanting another to fill my void. Of course, my ego told me there would only be a few… Wrong! To be completely honest, out came a torrent of all my needy and disempowered places! Picture a family of hungry monkeys clamoring for the zookeeper holding a bunch of bananas. It was mayhem! It was gross, appalling and embarrassing! Even though no one was around, I squirmed and cringed as each memory came to the forefront.

And then the miracle happened…

The torrent stopped as quickly as it started. Silence. I looked around quizzically and wondered, “Is that it? Am I done?”

After noticing lightning didn’t strike me dead nor did I didn’t shrivel up into a warted troll, I felt the weight of the world lift off of me. Whoaaaa… What? I felt free… Finally free! I didn’t know what to do with all this, so I layed down on my bed to let it sink in. I observed there was no shame. There was no regret. There really wasn’t anything, but peace. My truth had set me free. Nothing more, nothing less. My shadow had finally been heard and it was now at rest.

THAT was the day my life changed forever. From that point forward, I set course to work on my self-worth and self-esteem. I finally realized I had created this whole frenetic scene and I could equally and successfully un-create it.

I occasionally wondered why no one ever brought my behavior to my attention. I considered myself an open book and knowing there is a lot of wisdom in the world, I was perplexed as to why no one had ever shed light on my darkness. Then the answer came. I had kept the really shameful parts to myself. I only shared parts of my story that would gain the oooohs and ahhhhhs from my cohorts. I never told the entire truth about the things I did because my ego convinced me those parts didn’t matter. My lower-self wanted so badly to be right; it subconsciously undermined my truth in the just perfect way to keep me stuck. Instead, I received all the appropriate statements like, What an a**hole! and You deserve so much better! My ego was validated, but my soul was not. Sound familiar?

When we are truly suffering and truly wanting for change, we must be willing to take radical responsibility for our behavior and if possible share it with a trusted friend. It’s important we share the uncut, unedited and raw version in lieu of some manipulated version that will only gain you the validation your ego so desperately wants.

I promise you, your ownership will not magically turn you into a warted troll, nor will lightning strike you down. Only healing and grace comes from radical self-honesty.

And one more thing… Always remember, there is nothing exclusively wrong with you! You are spirit having a human experience like the rest of us on this planet. You are fallible, forgivable and healable!

Show us what you got!

 

Attracting The Ideal Mate

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I’m sure by now most of you have heard the quote, “Stop looking for the right person and become the right person.” Pre-tsunami I would have had no clue what that meant. Going on the assumption some of you may have no clue what that means, I thought I’d delve into this more deeply.

Historically, I was always looking outside myself for someone to be perfect for me. I had no idea what this really meant; I just thought he’d magically show up and we’d ride into the sunset together. Little did I know that he couldn’t present himself until I had healed the blocks inside of myself that would change my energy from undeserving to deserving.

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I had to endure one hell of a bomb in order to be reduced enough to open my heart to other possibilities. What I learned was this:

I did not know who I was, what I really wanted or that I was worthy of the partnership of my dreams. Somehow I kept repeating relationships and situations that were not reciprocally loving.

I remember after my first divorce, not even being able to explain what went wrong. I just knew the marriage wasn’t right and I had become bitter and angry. I later learned that I had attracted a mate that completely mirrored back the places in me that I was not respecting or honoring in myself. It wasn’t his fault; he was just being himself. It was my responsibility because if I wasn’t respecting and honoring myself, there was no possible way I could teach him how to. I had no boundaries because I had no worth to support those boundaries.

Instead of stating my feelings/truth and following it up with actions that supported my worth, I’d be nasty and spiteful. The “nice” had never worked, so I went to the extreme. And guess what… that didn’t work either! Instead, I just became a miserable asshole.

That was a hard realization to admit because from the outside, I wasn’t being reciprocally supported, loved or honored. Of course it was his fault. In my mind, I had every reason to be a jerk because HE wasn’t treating me right. It was all HIS fault.

Wrong.

Just because someone doesn’t treat us right, we don’t have license to lower ourselves to their level. In fact, that behavior only creates more friction and chaos!

Our BEST CHOICE ALWAYS is to empower ourselves. We must be willing to do the work to heal the unworthiness wounds inside ourselves that keep attracting partners that are meeting us at that lower energetic level. In order to attract a partner that respects and loves us wholly, we must respect and love ourselves wholly! When we change our energy from the inside out, our life naturally shifts to meet us at this new level.

In my book From Doormat To Sweet Empowerment, I go in depth into the 9 keys areas I shifted/healed in my life in order to attract reciprocally respectful relationships.

No longer will we be attracted to someone who doesn’t honor our worth. We will sense the lack of cohesiveness very early on and our worthiness will support our exit.

I remember always, always, ALWAYS second guessing my feeling/thoughts/actions. Maybe I’m not seeing this right? I’d attach excuses to the person’s behaviors and I’d convince myself to “Just stay a little longer. He’ll figure it out.” They never did because they never do. We’ve attracted the wrong partner and until we fully love and honor ourselves, we will continue to do so.

Taking full responsibility for our lives starts with recognizing our unworthiness wounds.

I remember my second husband (the tsunami husband) saying scornfully to me once, “You are now going to be divorced twice! See, something is wrong with YOU, not me. YOU are the common denominator!” The complete irony of this statement is this… He meant those words as a way to point the finger outward instead of owning his sh*t and I knew that then. However, somewhere along my healing path, I remember thinking, “Damn! He is so right! I AM the common denominator!” But not in the “you suck” way he was saying. It was ME that kept attracting disrespect. It was ME who made excuses for my partner’s bad behaviors. It was ME who stayed when I saw the warning signs early on. It was ME who didn’t love me enough to say ENOUGH. I always giggle when I tell this story, because it was just so perfect! Although his words were meant to hurt, they brought awareness instead! How ironic is that?

Freedom comes when we finally open our hearts to truth.

Now that I knew it was I that was repeating a pattern, I could actually do something about it! No more finger pointing! No more shame and blame! I had some work to do and I got busy doing it.

I made a vow to not even consider dating until I felt empowered enough to be able to hold my lines. I even constructed an “Unacceptable Treatment Guideline”, a list of deal breakers, to warn me when I was with someone of non-reciprocal quality. I used the guideline as a reminder until I was strong enough to spot and respond effectively to behaviors naturally. I needed a go-to check list at first as I was fine-tuning my worth and strengthening myself.

When I finally dated again, I was Divinely put into a situation where I had to demonstrate my worthiness. He didn’t have any huge flags about it him, but there were several small ones. I asked questions to clarify my thoughts and gratefully he was honest enough with me to confirm what I was seeing/feeling. We ended after 5 weeks. Thank you for that opportunity, Spirit! The mere experience of that solidified my worth even more because each time we act from our worthiness, we become stronger, more rooted.

Shortly thereafter, I did meet my equal. I have never before experienced such respect, love and devotion! I still shake my head in wonder sometimes… However, I could not have attracted him until I had deemed myself worthy of him.

No work done on self is ever in vain! Even though you might not see the immediate fruits of your labor, it is there behind the scenes aligning people and circumstance to help lead you to your best life! With each step toward self-love, you are getting closer and closer to your life’s dreams.

Take care of you.

Love you unconditionally

Cultivate your worth

And watch as miracles envelope your life.

 

Your thoughts?