You know that person (or several) in your life that no matter what you do or say, he or she always has some negative reply, controlling remark, victim mentality or wants to blame something irrelevant on you? I’m sure you know exactly what I’m talking about because we all have them. This post is aimed at how to get better results when dealing those types.
You might think off the bat, Oh yay! She’s going to give me the best comeback! Or I’m about to learn what can really put him or her in their place. I’m sorry to disappoint you, but I’m not going to do that. What I am going to do is share with you how to change your mind in order to change your experience.
Currently, I’ve been coaching a woman about her horrible boss. When I say horrible, I mean this guy is angry, blaming, controlling and a non-responsibility taker. Just a plain out jerk. The woman absolutely loves her job, but has began to develop anxiety/panic about going there because she may be faced with one of his random tirades. And when she walks in already emotionally compromised, any exchange sets her reeling and she is then unable to perform at her best. The higher ups seem to be doing nothing about him because not enough people have stepped forward and she was at her wits end.
We first had a convo about how we cannot ever change another person. How the only way to change any relationship is to change OUR side of the equation. I invited her to begin to view him differently – as a man in pain instead of a blood thirsty villain. A person who has so little self-worth that he always has to point outward because pointing inward just may be his entire demise (or so his ego thinks). We talked about how she was responsible for the energy she brought to the table and the energy of fear and cowering would only perpetuate his bullying behavior.
My client is highly loved by ALL of her supervisors. She has enough people telling her what a good job she’s doing to ensure her position, but somehow Jerk Boss eats away at her worth. I asked her to check her fear at the door and step into her higher self- the woman who is well-loved and respected at work. I asked her to begin to view Jerk Boss from a different angle. We renamed him “Man in Pain”. I explained how she had to consider the source with every word and deed that came from him. A person in pain simply cannot be loving and it has nothing to so with us! One might argue that his behavior is still unacceptable, and I completely agree. However, there are relationships we encounter that we simply have to put up with for the time being and for her, this was one of them.
When we begin to view others’ uncomely behavior as pain seeping outward, compassion enters the picture. When compassion enters, we are better able to come from our higher self. This does not condone what they are doing or saying AND we most definitely need to speak up if we are being wrongly accused or blamed. What happens is, when our response is centered in love, rather than fear, we begin to lose the disempowered feeling and our responses are more centered, clear and powerful rather than weak, meek and cowering. This small change has the power to shift the dynamics of the relationship considerably if we stay on task and don’t give in to fear.
The only person we can ever change is ourselves and the only way to do this effectively is to come from our highest place. Remember, any action rooted in love eventually prevails. Any action rooted in fear (ego) will only perpetuate suffering and strife.
Changing your perception leads to changing your energy which then leads to a change in the dynamic.
And in case you’re wondering, when my client walked into work that day with her new perspective, she had a completely different experience with her boss. :)