Tag: love

Is This Grief Or Is This Love?

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This morning at work I was presented with a new client. Her name was Martha. Then I was introduced to her husband. His name was Juan. I immediately detected a slight Spanish accent with Juan. Just a tinge of what I assumed boasted a Mexican heritage. Accents fascinate me and I love playing a game with myself and others called Guess That Accent!

After I applied Martha’s color and put her under the heater for processing, Juan and I began a conversation. The more we talked the more I felt his accent seeping into the deepest part of my soul. I felt like reaching out and touching his face. What are you thinking?! I wanted to hug him and put my head on his shoulder. Are you crazy? I wanted to feel the essence that was oozing out of his soul. What on earth is going on here?!

In some unexplainably strange way, Juan reminded me of my momma.

I couldn’t help myself and asked Juan what his heritage is. He paused for a moment before stumbling out that he was from Texas. Yeah, that ain’t no Texan accent I’m hearin’. I can only guesstimate that he may have suffered some form of prejudice in the past and was hesitant to share. I pressed on by saying I detect a slight accent. He must have sensed I was reaching for something more and he quietly replied, “I was born in Mexico.”

And then it started.

Tears welled in my eyes and began spilling down my cheeks as our conversation continued. I felt a little perplexed (as I’m sure Juan did) with my sudden burst of emotion so I quickly tried to save him from thinking he had done something wrong.

I began to explain that my mother recently passed away (2/1/15) and she had a slight Spanish accent. For those of you who don’t know, my mother was raised in Cuba from infancy. Although she is not Cuban by heritage, she was Cuban by heart. She brought the Cuban culture she loved so much into our home growing up – food, music, language and all! Her first language was Spanish and I loved it!

No matter how much I cried, Juan didn’t flinch, make any weird expressions or move one inch closer or away from me. He remained peaceful and still.

Through my blubbering and runny nose, I went on to tell him that the Spanish accent always reminds me of my mother and I miss hearing her rap it out with random persons all over this city. Being geographically close to Mexico, Arizona is home to many Mexicans. I believe my mom was friends with every single one of them! She seemed to share a sense of “home” with all Hispanic people even if their country of origin was different than her beloved Cuba.

I told Juan not to worry about my tears as this was a very good thing and that for some random and strange reason he was reminding me of my mom. He nodded slightly while smiling and again, he did not flinch, make a weird expression or move one inch closer or further from me.

Prior to my massive self-healing that took place a few years ago, I rarely cried. I had gotten the message as a child that my tears were annoying and burdensome to others, so I stopped crying altogether. Later in life it took an awful lot to make me cry and it usually had nothing to do with something going on within me, but something going on with someone else. I had forgotten how to cry. One of the things I had to teach myself was to allow for organic emotions and the tears that followed. I’ve been practicing ever since.

And here I was standing in the middle of my place of business crying to a random man.

Wow… life is weird!

So…. I allowed it. I let go. I let it be what it was. I stood shameless in front of anyone who may have been watching. In fact, I was so present, the thought never crossed my mind. I was in it. Every cell in my body was soaking up the essence of Juan. At that moment, I was looking at my mother.

It was cleansing. It was beautiful. It was warm and delicious.

Of course, I have run across many Spanish speaking people since mom’s transition. I even work with a few; however, there was something different here. Something that my words will never describe accurately. There was something happening that was far outside the reaches of my understanding. All I know is that it was real.

After work while driving to pick up my little one from summer camp, I questioned that little scene. What on earth was that? Was that grief? Have I been suppressing emotion? Am I in denial that mom is gone? Those tears came so quickly and so organically. Have I been denying the reality of momma’s transition? I sat with it, I opened my heart and all I heard was, “No Kristen… That was Love” and I knew… plainly and simply…

That was love.

I was not sad. I was not grief stricken. I was merely reminded of and celebrating, in a perfect moment in time, a piece of my mother that I have always admired.

Upon further reflection, I remembered I had asked my momma yesterday to make herself known to me. I was craving a little “touch base” from her and if I could see her that would be so great! Today I saw her, felt her and heard her. She came to me in the form of a 63 year old, silver-haired Mexican man and based on his reaction to my tears, I can bet he houses a similar soul to my momma.

The truth is I am happy my momma no longer suffers here and I can feel her with me all of the time. Our love is strong and eternal. I don’t grieve her, I LOVE her and I celebrate her life! She always touched me with her gentle way and her gorgeous command of Spanish. I remember how even as an adult, I loved to sit and listen to her speak to her friends while trying to decipher the conversation through the few words I could interpret. My momma left a legacy of equality, non-prejudice, kindness and love.

Thank you, Juan, for being my earth angel today. And thank you, Momma, for finding the perfect way for me to feel your essence. I’m still smiling and I will continue to smile every time I think of you.

Much Love,

KB

Consider The Source

You know that person (or several) in your life that no matter what you do or say, he or she always has some negative reply, controlling remark, victim mentality or wants to blame something irrelevant on you?  I’m sure you know exactly what I’m talking about because we all have them. This post is aimed at how to get better results when dealing those types.

You might think off the bat, Oh yay!  She’s going to give me the best comeback!  Or  I’m about to learn what can really put him or her in their place.  I’m sorry to disappoint you, but I’m not going to do that. What I am going to do is share with you how to change your mind in order to change your experience.

Currently, I’ve been coaching a woman about her horrible boss.  When I say horrible, I mean this guy is angry, blaming, controlling and a non-responsibility taker.  Just a plain out jerk.  The woman absolutely loves her job, but has began to develop anxiety/panic about going there because she may be faced with one of his random tirades.  And when she walks in already emotionally compromised, any exchange sets her reeling and she is then unable to perform at her best. The higher ups seem to be doing nothing about him because not enough people have stepped forward and she was at her wits end.

We first had a convo about how we cannot ever change another person.  How the only way to change any relationship is to change OUR side of the equation.  I invited her to begin to view him differently – as a man in pain instead of a blood thirsty villain. A person who has so little self-worth that he always has to point outward because pointing inward just may be his entire demise (or so his ego thinks). We talked about how she was responsible for the energy she brought to the table and the energy of fear and cowering would only perpetuate his bullying behavior.

My client is highly loved by ALL of her supervisors. She has enough people telling her what a good job she’s doing to ensure her position, but somehow Jerk Boss eats away at her worth.  I asked her to check her fear at the door and step into her higher self- the woman who is well-loved and respected at work.  I asked her to begin to view Jerk Boss from a different angle.  We renamed him “Man in Pain”.  I explained how she had to consider the source with every word and deed that came from him.  A person in pain simply cannot be loving and it has nothing to so with us!  One might argue that his behavior is still unacceptable, and I completely agree.  However, there are relationships we encounter that we simply have to put up with for the time being and for her, this was one of them.

When we begin to view others’ uncomely behavior as pain seeping outward, compassion enters the picture.  When compassion enters, we are better able to come from our higher self.  This does not condone what they are doing or saying AND we most definitely need to speak up if we are being wrongly accused or blamed.  What happens is, when our response is centered in love, rather than fear, we begin to lose the disempowered feeling and our responses are more centered, clear and powerful rather than weak, meek and cowering. This small change has the power to shift the dynamics of the relationship considerably if we stay on task and don’t give in to fear.

The only person we can ever change is ourselves and the only way to do this effectively is to come from our highest place.  Remember, any action rooted in love eventually prevails.  Any action rooted in fear (ego) will only perpetuate suffering and strife.

Changing your perception leads to changing your energy which then leads to a change in the dynamic.

And in case you’re wondering, when my client walked into work that day with her new perspective, she had a completely different experience with her boss.  :)