Tag: losing friends

How to Know When It’s Time to End a Friendship- A Collaborative Column

kristen-bio Kristen Brown

In my not-so-distant-past I had a terrible habit of staying in friendships long after the person had repeatedly shown me who they were or more importantly, who they were not.

I’m fantastic at seeing below the surface of others’ behaviors and extending unending grace, compassion and acceptance. Although those traits make me a good friend to others, they don’t make me a good friend to myself, because I had often let others’ bad behaviors go unchecked at the expense of my own well-being.

Good Friend Trait #1–

Be a good friend to yourself first.

The times I did have the courage to speak my feelings or experiences of them, it was often met with minimization or deference and I would allow them to convince me I was being too sensitive or moreover it was no big deal.

Good Friend Trait #2–

Good friends take responsibility for their wrongs.

The truth is I was a doormat. I simply didn’t know at the time what I was worthy of or how to hold that line.

As I progressed on my healing journey, it became glaringly obvious how I had continually accepted unacceptable treatment from people I called “friends”. It is almost embarrassing what I had allowed (some stories would blow your hair back!).

Good Friend Trait #3–

Good friends don’t do things that blow your hair back. :)

I gave myself a heartfelt apology for compromising my sacred self and made a steadfast decision to not let it happen again. I finally took responsibility for my own care and well-being.

Good Friend Trait #4–

Good friends have your back and care about your well-being.

By January 2011, I had grown tired of lop-sided friendships, so I set this intention:

I only attract people of high integrity and character into my life.

I didn’t just say the words everyday, I embodied them with every cell of my being.

Good Friend Trait #5–

Good friends mirror back your character and integrity. They don’t exploit it.

Soon thereafter, the questionable characters in my life began falling away and wonderful new friends of outstanding character and quality began coming in (three of which are collaborating on this column with me!).

I believe with all my heart that when I finally knew I was worthy of solid, reciprocal friendships, my energy shifted to something higher and I was no longer attracting friends who were jealous, disrespectful or backstabbing.

Good Friend Trait #6–

Good friends support and encourage your accomplishments.

What I have learned thus far on my journey is when we grow spiritually, we might lose vibrational connection with certain “friends”, thus creating misalignment in the friendship.  This does not mean we are better than anyone; it only means we are at different places on our journeys.

The few times in my life this happened to me I did not have to do anything.  The Universe took care of it for me.

My only job was to forgive them and myself and walk away with love.

~Kristen Brown- Site Admin and Loving Friend!

 

KelliHeadshot Kelli Davies

As someone who’s spent most of my life as a single person, I always prided myself on being a good friend. I am that friend who gets called in a crisis for words of advice.  Not only do I serve as counselor, but also confidant, fashion consultant, & ride or die chick!

Unfortunately for me, because I am always there for my friends, I had an expectation that I would get that same effort in return.  That expectation not being met has left me feeling very disappointed and unimportant on more than one occasion.

How do you know when it’s time to unfriend someone? When the friendship bank account is empty.

Two of Gary Chapman’s five love languages that I express are quality time and acts of service.  I realize now that they have a great impact on how I evaluate friendships.  Do they hold space for me? Do they make time for me? Am I the only one making deposits into this friendship while they keep making withdrawals?

This lead me to my next question.  Why aren’t they making any deposits? Don’t they care about our friendship?

My spiritual growth has helped me to realize that there is always a deeper issue going on that can explain people’s behavior.  When I got quiet, God spoke to me about three different situations; life circumstances, unhealed wounds, and perpetual self-involvement.

Life Circumstances: This one may require you to extend some grace.  Life happens!  Marriage, children, divorce, and death all can cause your friend to go M.I.A.  Sometimes it’s not because they don’t care, they just don’t have anything left to make a deposit.

Unhealed Wounds: If you are someone who is full of positivity, light, and has a generous spirit, it may cause people to latch onto you. Part of their self-medication is to feed off of you and the friendship until there is a zero balance.

Perpetual Self-involvement: These people are so self-absorbed that they will make any and everything about them because they are stuck in their story.  Making a deposit of emotional currency doesn’t even cross their mind!

When it comes to your bestie, your go to person, invest wisely .  Give to relationships that value you, and that you can withdraw from as well.

If you are going out of your way to make deposits into your friendship bank account while the other person is on a spending spree, it’s time to invest your emotional currency elsewhere!

It’s not an easy decision.  Once you are away from the friendship, you’ll be surprised at the weight that is lifted from your shoulders. You can then put that energy into a friendship that is balanced.

Kelli Davies has spent the last 20 years working closely with the public as an aesthetician /makeup artist. (She is truly THE best!) Kelli’s current employment home is Prova Salon in Scottsdale Arizona. Kelli is a church going,  self-empowerment loving, spiritual gangster!  Kelli’s spiritual journey has invoked a deep passion in her to encourage and speak life into others as they travel through life challenges. I am honored to call Kelli one of my dearest friends!

20160617_131442-1_resized Lisa Marquis

Wouldn’t it be great if unfriending someone was as easy as clicking that little button on Facebook?

No confrontation, no hassle. Click! No more stories, no more reminders of them or their family and friends. Easy, right?

But what about letting go of a friendship outside of cyber space?

How do we know when to call it quits?

The simple answer would be, when we feel we don’t have that real friend connection anymore. Perhaps, if we are only friends through technology. But wait, we can’t just go dumping all our friends because we don’t see them every day.

It’s not that simple is it? We all have friends that we love but don’t see regularly.  We’re busy. It’s harder to maintain friendships as we get older. We’d like to see them more, but life gets in the way.

When we were in school, it was easy; we knew we’d see our friends every day. Just show up. As adults we have to make an effort to keep friendships alive. It takes both sides to keep things going. Do you have friends that aren’t making the effort anymore?

We all do! So, how do we decide which friends to let go of and which ones to keep working for?

Not the easiest question to answer, but here’s an idea.

Maybe you’ve got a friend that doesn’t feel like the right ‘fit’ anymore. They don’t get in touch with you as much as you’d like, but it goes further than that.

Do they respect and hold space for you when you need them?

Will they tell you the truth (in a loving way) even when it’s hard or may hurt you?

Can you enjoy being with them without working at it?

To go a little further, does this friend act as though your stories and experiences don’t matter? Do they disrespect you? Does it always seem to be about them? Are they too much drama?

While no one is perfect, we need friends around us who accept our imperfections, and we theirs. It’s not always pretty; maybe we need to humble ourselves and admit that we haven’t been the best of friends either. Apologize, and mean it. Make the effort to really listen to their story. Forgive their faults and be willing to tell them the difficult truths in a loving and productive way.

One way to decide whether to end a friendship is to turn it around and ask yourself, “If I were them, would I be my friend? Am I being the friend I’d like to have?” If the answer is no, it’s time to let them go for their sake as well!

Life is too short to maintain half-assed friendships. Go all in or let them go, make more time for the real ones.

In the end, it doesn’t come down to hours spent in the same room, but quality of time we spend together that makes a true friendship.

Lisa Marquis is a practicing Hair Stylist, Truth Seeker , aspiring Author and one helluva Space Holder! Lisa’s divine gifts of logic and compassion coupled with her articulate, sweet, but oh-s0-witty demeanor, make her one of my favorite people! If you would like to follow Lisa on her Facebook biz page, click here: Straight Up Hair

Sue BIO Sue Markovitch

Friendship can mean anything from companion to soulmate. Now we also have Facebook friends; lots of them. With so many connections, how do we know when it’s time to unfriend someone?

I consider the level of commitment.

With hundreds of Facebook friends, some I haven’t seen since high school, my level of commitment is low. If they are not adding light and love to my news feed, it’s not difficult to either hide them or unfriend.

They probably don’t know or care.

With acquaintances, it gets more difficult. These might be people I work with, work out with, friends of friends, that type of thing. Here I have to have my boundaries in check, and know it’s OK to decline invitations without explanation. Again, the level of commitment is low.

My work is to be myself and not worry about approval.

A closer circle of friends, my tribe, is a group of people that were friends before I came along. They included me in their lives. My work here is accepting each member of the tribe, if I want to belong. I don’t have to be soulmates with each person, but I must love and respect each member. There is no unfriending, because the tribe is a package deal.

If I find I am not treated well or just no longer vibe with this tribe, it is my job to leave peacefully.

Solo friends, the ones we make time for, trust and share our hearts with, come and go. This was hard for me to accept. Not every friendship, even if it dives deep, is meant to last. If my instincts tell me a friendship has run its course, I have to be brave and talk about it, and if needed, bid it farewell. Learning this is like learning to lovingly break up with someone.

My job is to wish them well, while honoring me. There might be backlash, but that’s better than committing to friendships that don’t fit.

Sister/brother soulmate friendships are the ones I want to spend my time on. The ones I go to when I need someone to tell me the truth, encourage me, love me no matter what. When I look back, I see who was there for me at my worst. I see who listened to the same problem for years, and never said, “OMG, just get over it already.” I see who literally loves me no matter what.

My work here is to not ever take these souls for granted, and learn to be that rock solid in return.

The work is always about me. My vibe attracts my tribe. So…am I being authentic? Do I recognize my worth? Am I approval seeking? Am I practicing healthy boundaries? Am I being loving and respectful? When I approach relationships like that, broken friendships seem to fall away. What’s left is freedom to love my sister soul friends wholeheartedly, and be loved back.

Sue Markovitch is a Fitness Coach, Author, Speaker, Spiritual Leader and my beloved Soul Sister! If you would like to discover more about Sue’s awesomeness check out her website Clear Rock Fitness!

When Friends Unfriend Us- A Collaborative Column

kristen-bio Kristen Brown

Losing a friend can make us feel like there is something wrong with us.

After all, if there wasn’t wouldn’t they still be our friend?

I used to think this way, but not anymore.

Having gone through this situation/feeling a few times, I began to notice there was a common denominator that ran congruent with my “unfriending friends”.

The common denominator wasn’t that there was something wrong with me, it was that there was something “Light” with me.

In my most recent unfriending episode, I was randomly and without notice unfriended and blocked from Facebook by a woman I considered a dear friend.

Before I mentioned anything to her, I decided to do a little personal introspection first.

Was there something that I had changed about myself that affected her?

The answer was yes, but not in a way you might be thinking.

Historically, when this friend would talk to me about situations in her life, I would play small and dumb with her. I would say very little and be very careful not to disagree with her.

I was her walking-on-eggshells-yes-man.

What’s more I did this for almost the entire duration of our relationship out of fear.

Fear of moving up to the #1 position on her Shit List, fear of becoming the anonymous subject of one of her Facebook assaults or worse, fear of being bad-mouthed to our community behind my back.

It was exhausting.

A few months ago while in the midst of a personal growth spurt, I decided that playing small and dumb with her was not living in connection with my authenticity. I decided I had to face the fear of literally being myself with her and no longer allow my fears to mangle my true nature.

It’s almost laughable how quickly I was removed after doing so; however, it did validate what I always knew in my heart to be true – she did to me exactly what I had witnessed her do to many people before me.

I was no different.

had-one

Our friendship was conditional on how long I was willing to keep up the charade and wear a mask to keep her happy.

The next time someone unfriends you and you are absolutely clear you have not disrespected, hurt or defamed them in some way rest knowing it wasn’t because you are bad, wrong, inadequate or unworthy.

It’s most likely because you are amazing, beautiful and brilliant!

Rest knowing your Light (awesomeness) was shining on their unhealed places and it was difficult for them to be around a constant reminder of what they have not yet become.

I invite you today to stop playing small in your life.

Be willing to be 100% yourself!

If you lose a “friend” because you let your Light shine, so be it.

Be confident knowing your beautiful, authentic nature is a beacon calling forth new friends who will cherish and value all that you are!

Kristen Brown – Page Admin and Wonderful Friend to Many!

 

Sue BIO    Sue Markovitch

What I’ve Learned About Losing Someone I Thought Was a Friend

I had a friend named Tami, who I shared my heart and soul with. She introduced me to two really cool women, Sherry and Carla. At no time during our years of friendship were all four of us friends. One was always on the outs, rejected for unacceptable behavior, as judged by Tami.

When it was my turn to be ousted for speaking out of turn, I was completely shocked.

I had a friend named Amanda. For a decade we travelled, hiked and hung out. She often spoke horribly about other people; friends, her boyfriend, everyone. She had a strained relationship with her family. She held incredible grudges and forgave no one. In flurries of judgment, she would block and unfriend people on social media.

When it was my turn to be blocked for saying the wrong thing, I was completely shocked.

Both of these experiences hurt so much, and I had a hard time letting them go. I tried to fix, tried to forget, but they kept coming back up in my mind. What had I said or done that was so wrong? So utterly unforgiveable?

“What you can’t be with, won’t let you be.” Debbie Ford

These experiences were trying to tell me something, because they certainly weren’t letting me be. I felt myself get angry over and over, blaming each of them in my mind for how I got dumped. Then, I saw it.

I saw my finger pointing at them. I saw my blaming, and I know if I have a finger pointing out there, it is time to look in here – inside my own heart. What was the truth? What wasn’t I owning? What was my responsibility in all this?

The truth was, they each showed me exactly who they were, right from the beginning. I chose to look the other way and not believe them. Instead, I subconsciously thought, I would work hard, I would be rock solid, I would earn their acceptance.

But that doesn’t work.

You see, it is not about them. It is about me.

Maya Angelou reminds us, “When people show you who they are, believe them.”

My fear of being alone kept me from acting on all the red flags I’d seen. My unworthiness kept me from setting healthy boundaries with these “friends” the moment I saw their character in how they treated others.

I don’t need to be forgiven by them. I don’t need to fix these broken relationships. I need to take radical responsibility. I chose them!

To heal, I need to remember who I am, and what I am worth.

From that place of worthiness, I can walk away and love them from afar. It was me, after all, not them. They are completely forgiven and so am I.

I’m moving on.

In the future, I am empowered to choose better.

I am empowered to honor my boundaries and my heart.

From there, I can make room for the rock solid grace-filled friendships that show up when I let my light shine from this radically empowered place of healing, worthiness and most of all, love.

Sue Markovitch is a Fitness Coach, Author, Speaker and All-Around Kick Ass Friend! If you would like to discover more about Sue’s awesomeness check out Sue’s website Clear Rock Fitness!

 

20160617_131442-1_resized Lisa Marquis

Have you ever lost a friend due to a major life event?

If so, you know how painful it can be. When it happened to me, I was surprised and greatly saddened.

The event was my divorce. My ex and I had been friends with this couple for twenty years. We’d done all the things you do with good friends: dinners, movies, trips, just hanging out. You get the picture.

After I decided to end our eighteen year marriage, she and I went to lunch and she just didn’t want to accept the fact that it was over. “Have you done everything?” “Are you sure you can’t just make it work?”

Truth was, our marriage had been to the brink before and this was simply the end of our journey. It was as amicable as it could be, and I didn’t understand why she couldn’t get on board. I tried to make her understand my reasons, but like many conversations with many other people over the next few months, I was subconsciously needing her approval. I wasn’t getting it.

As a friend I expected her to support me no matter what. After all, I had good reasons for leaving my marriage: money issues, anger issues, etc.

I had done all I could. Weren’t my reasons valid? If the roles were reversed, I would have supported her hands down. Why couldn’t she just be on my side?

Over the next three months while we sold our house, I packed up my life to move back home to Arizona. No calls from either of them, no texts, no reaching out to support my transition. I felt the sadness and frustration you feel when you realize another person has willfully cut you off.

After I moved and was getting settled into my new life, I sent a few text messages in an attempt to keep up communication, only one of which was answered. The response was curt at best.

My greatest dilemma while trying to get through this was:

What happened?

Weren’t we good friends?

Why can’t she see past her own discomfort with my divorce?

I needed to get past this to get on with my life. So I sent them an email that basically said, “I wish you the best, but I’ve realized that our friendship wasn’t real.” That made me feel better for a minute, but with no response and having not resolved it in my mind, I realized I hadn’t truly dealt with the rejection and disapproval.

So I brought it to my real tribe – the authentic friends who truly do have my back.

It wasn’t just the discussion that followed about having a new perspective, but the fact that they really listened to my story, felt my pain and did not judge me. Instead they helped me own my piece in it.

And that was the hurdle to jump: my piece was needing the approval of someone, that when I really thought about it, had been a very shallow pal.

My peace came with knowing that I didn’t need their approval about my divorce.

I only needed my own.

Lisa Marquis is a practicing Hair Stylist, Truth Seeker , aspiring Author and one helluva Space Holder! Lisa’s divine gifts of logic and compassion coupled with her articulate, sweet, but oh-s0-witty demeanor, make her one of my favorite people! If you would like to follow Lisa on her Facebook biz page, click here: Straight Up Hair