The first step to healing is the hardest one. It is the time we feel the most afraid.
It’s the time we have decided that we don’t want to live as we have been living, but are unsure what to do. We feel confused because we thought we knew what we were doing, but entertain the notion that maybe we don’t.
We frighten ourselves by thinking we’ve done it all wrong and furthermore, what if there is something critically wrong with us?! We might muster up a tidbit of courage and begin to see our defeating patterns and bad choices, but it is likely followed by a Mach 2 shame-filled shudder which tempts us to retreat once again.
It is here in this dark cave of the soul that we quite possibly make the most essential decision of our lives…
Do I withdraw back into my cave of self-doubt, shame and denial or do I take one more tiny step forward?
For some, the pain of staying the same begins to outweigh the fear of change and we start leaning in a direction we’ve never leaned into before. We feel a glimmer of hope and see a speck of light in the distance.
Our interest is piqued.
Our curiosity starts to expand and we tentatively move forward.
Then out of nowhere like a whispery, gentle breeze blowing across our cheeks, we notice something has changed…
I was in the dark cave.
I didn’t know my life was a manifestation of a hidden trunk full of self-lies, unworthy notions and false perceptions I had gained throughout my life. I didn’t know that I had taken information coming my way and spun it into a web of “Kristen sucks”. I didn’t know I had been flying under the radar my entire life hoping someone would “see” who I truly am and give me permission to rise higher.
I was afraid to admit my mistakes and downfalls to anyone for fear they would be exploited as they had been in the past. I was already ashamed of who I was and certainly didn’t need someone else adding fuel to fire.
But the one thing I knew for sure was I couldn’t keep doing what I had always done.
It wasn’t working.
I looked high and low among my family and friends, but could not find someone to hold neutral, non-judgmental space for me through this most vulnerable time. I desperately wanted someone to guide me and encourage me while I waded through the swampy wasteland of my bad decisions and embarrassing moments.
It was difficult to take brave steps forward without someone holding my hand. I still craved approval and permission from those around me. I wanted to be a follower. I wanted desperately for someone to say, “Oh, yes! I know where you want to go. I’ve been there! Follow me!”
It didn’t happen, but the most fascinating part is…
I didn’t let it stop me.
I had determined if I wanted healing and peace bad enough, I’d have to do it alone. If I waited for someone to ride the train with me, I’d most likely still be waiting.
Then seemingly out of nowhere, I realized something else.
I really wasn’t alone – I had never been alone. I had God.
The same God I talked to as a child while riding my bike, walking to a friend’s house or belly down on my bedroom floor writing poems. The same God I turned to when I had no one else to talk to- my companion, my mentor. The same God who always has my best interest at heart and who speaks to me through intuitive whispers that never lead me astray.
And so my journey began.
I didn’t know what it would look like or how it would go. I just knew it was time to take the first, most difficult step.
As my beloved friend and soul sister, Sue Markovitch, often says, “Left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot.”
It’s important to remember we won’t heal our worth or attract our best life in one day.
It will take putting one foot in front of the other. It’s about viewing each new day as a brand new learning opportunity which will later morph into a brand new you.
We are not alone and we are not without guidance. The light we need to find our way is already here. It has always been here. All we have to do is invite It in and take the first step.
Dear God/Source/Universe: I am open to healing. I am open to a greater awareness and understanding of life. I am open to healing my false perceptions and disempowering ways. Please come. Please make your presence known in my life. I know you will not interfere for the law of free will, so I give you free entrance into my heart and mind. I know you know best and I’m fully open to your lead. Amen.
You have everything you need, my friend.
Let me be the one to say:
“Oh, yes! I know where you want to go. I’ve been there! Follow me!”
I believe in you.