Tag: how to fight fair

10 Things to Remember About Fighting Fairly 

 Podcast Episode #28 Show Notes

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It’s so beautiful to witness couples willing to break old habits and adopt new behaviors that support the relationship.

Whether you’ve been with your partner for 6 months or 30 years, the 10 principals below can shift the way you work through your issues in a respectful, faster and supportive way.

Even if you’re the only half of the relationship reading this blog, I’m positive you will walk away with some tidbit that you can put into action immediately. Never underestimate the power of being the only half to work on healing.

Your contribution may be all it takes to shift the dynamic of your arguments for good!

Seek to understand

Listen with an open heart. A huge issue within arguments is people not listening to understand the other person. Instead, they listen to rebut, defend or win. Opening our heart and mind allows for deep understanding and compassion of the other person’s experience. Agree ahead of time to take turns. Give your partner the respect of hearing them out even if you don’t initially agree with them. And expect the same in return.

Speak Truth and Hear Truth –

No one is a mind reader. Hinting, beating around the bush and not speaking up are not resolution behaviors. Keeping someone confused and/or guessing only confuses the situation more.

Be willing to share your observations, opinions, ideas, needs, feelings, forward movements etc. You are part of the equation and your part matters.

Secondly, we must be willing to hear the truth. There is no healing/resolution/forward movement if we deny what’s true – whether it’s our stuff to own or the facts of a situation.

Admitting the truth does not make you bad, wrong or unworthy. It makes you a responsible adult doing your part to build a healthy relationship.

Stick to Facts –

Its’ amazing what kind of mud gets slung when people are disagreeing. Sticking to the facts keeps the situation very clear and on task. Do your best to not get pulled into your person’s detouring, deflecting or projecting. Stick to facts only. Keep in mind “opinions” are not necessarily facts.

Facts are things like:

I saw the text on your phone

You said ____ blank to me.

I didn’t hear from you for 3 days.

You said you would and didn’t follow through.

Facts only.

Don’t interrupt –

Interrupting happens because (a) we don’t like what we are hearing or they have it all wrong or (b) we are afraid we will forget the point we want to make. Interrupting is disrespectful and rude. It is not a resolution behavior. You will get your chance to speak.

Secondly, (for the non-stop talkers) don’t go on and on and on because you will lose your listener. I promise you. When you continue to beat a point, they will zone out on something else because you are repeating yourself. Keep to a paragraph or two and let your partner respond.

Humility is Automatic Cease Fire! –

This is SO important. When you see the light go on in your partner’s eyes, the moment of A-Ha, or when they take ownership of their wrong… Stop. Right. There.

Your point has been taken and understood. More importantly, do not shame them when they finally take responsibility. It’s not easy for some people to take responsibility. Shaming them for their ownership will work against you in future disagreement. They will see the negative effect of what taking responsibility does and they will stop doing it. We don’t want that.

Now that doesn’t mean they’re immediately off the hook with a weak apology. That’s not what I’m saying. It means tune into your partner. Use your spidey senses. You will be able to see and feel when they finally “get it”.

When you or your partner takes full responsibility and apologizes, that’s a conversation shifter. At this point, the next step is resolution planning.

How can you/me catch ourselves from making this same mistake in the future?

No Name Calling/Degrading/Low Blows –

I would hope I wouldn’t have to state the obvious, but let’s face it, when things get hot, sometimes sh*t starts flying. I get it because I’ve been there too and it’s never helped a situation.

Name calling/demeaning/low blows is often a design of the ego to break someone down by attacking who they are. It is aimed at “winning” not at healthy resolution.

Any of the above can quickly override the initial issue because they often hurt far more than the initial offense. Now there are two issues that need tending.

There’s far better words to use to make a point than name calling, degrading and low blows.

Tone Matters –

We have the power to deliver a message with judgment and condemnation or with kindness and love. That doesn’t mean we have to whisper to our person. It means we check in with our hearts and motives FIRST and align ourselves with the intent to heal not to harm.

When we are in touch with delivering a message for healing, it comes out much better than when we deliver a message to hurt.

This doesn’t mean your honest, well-toned message won’t necessarily hurt. The truth hurts sometimes. What it does mean is you will do your part to stay within your higher self and integrity.

Your business is how you speak. Their business is how they respond.

Take a Time-out –

It’s is 100% okay to call a time-out if the situation is getting out of hand. Let your partner know you need a break, tell them where you’re going, what you’re doing and when you’ll be back. Make a plan to revisit the conversation when you are clearer.

And stick to it.

This is about respect and a commitment to resolution.

It’s not cool to walk out leaving things incomplete. That’s called emotional abandonment.

Your person cannot trust you if you continually ignore issues, brush them away or abandon conversations.

Healthy relationships require a solid foundation of trust. You have the right to take a break and it’s also your responsibility to revisit the conversation.

Commitment to healing –

Make a commitment with your partner that your intention for the conversation is to draw you both closer. Let them know it’s the behavior or situation you don’t love, not them.  Arguments can frighten people. Your person may view them as an indicator you don’t love them or you’re going to leave them. Be willing to say I Love You within an argument to ease your partner’s fear.

Provide a safe space –

Be willing to give your partner sacred space to share their truth without judgment. Allow them to have their own experience and opinion of the situation. Be vulnerable and open with your heart so your partner feels safe being vulnerable and open with theirs. Cultivate a “no topic off limits” culture within your home and relationship.

Miracles happen when we make the shift from fear to love, from lower self to higher self and from winning to grinning!

I believe in you all so much! 

Much Love,

KB