Tag: healing and growth

Kindness vs. Attack

With affairs of the heart, we tend to want to grasp, cling and try to control because we are so afraid of getting hurt, losing control or losing the love.  We try to manipulate and morph our person into who we think he\she should be in order for us to feel comfortable. What we have not yet understood, is that all of those behaviors cause separation instead of unity.  Attack and control never really gain any forward ground.  We may be able to beat our partner into submission temporarily, but no true healing or connectedness has occurred.

In times of strife in our relationships, gentleness and kindness is key.  When we can find a balance between our self-worth and self-respect and couple that with kindness, we can gain much ground toward improving our union.  Kindness open hearts and allows for sight and sound and all anyone really ever wants is to feel seen and heard.  Once someone feels seen and heard, egos relax and healing can happen.  We simply will not get very far with manipulation strategies and forcing others’ to acquiesce to our ways.

Love is the great miracle cure.

Love (not meaning goo-goo ga-ga, I’m-going-to-die-without-you love), but Real Love, the kind that encompasses the graces of compassion, forgiveness, understanding, insightfulness and kindness is the entryway to conflict resolution. Any actions rooted in love, including well-thought out and placed boundaries, are never wrong.  What is rooted in Love, is rooted in truth and it is truth that can set us free.

This is not to say that this plan is foolproof for ALL relationships.  It’s all depending on both individual parties and where each one is at in his/her own spiritual growth/path.  If a person truly wants for healing, your kindness and gentleness can be just the key to allow this to happen. If your person doesn’t value you or your union, nothing is going to work.

In my life, I’ve experienced both types of these partners: The partners who were not at all interested in growing or forming a more solid bond between us no matter what method of approach I used and the partner who truly wanted to seek for peace and healing and was willing to do what it took to get there.  The former chose to stay stuck and living in his limited existence.  The latter was willing to look at himself (as well as “call me out” appropriately) in order to enhance each others’ lives, seek resolution and to live more joyfully together.

Standing where I am now, I know for sure that having a firm sense of self-worth coupled with the kindness in our heart, can perform miracles in our relationships. Where we were once misunderstood, we can now be heard.  Where there was once fear, there can now be safety.  Where there was once separation and conflict there can now be true connection and peace.

Recognizing Your Doormat Tendencies

It can be a very difficult thing to admit where we have been a doormat in our lives.  I hear the excuses repeatedly in others’ words as I, too, historically had heard the excuses repeatedly in my own.  The thing we have to realize, is the mechanics of “why” we have such a hard time admitting the truth of our behaviors.  Most often it is not because we don’t want see it, but because our ego does not want us to see it.  It is fighting against our growth.   Our ego is very cunning and very sly.  It can fill our heads with bounties of shame and belittlement, in a sense forcing us to ignore the truth before us.  Since, we already have a poor self-worth (shame), to admit yet another “fault” can feel like too much to bear so we subconsciously keep it hidden in hopes to hold onto some semblance of worth – even if it is false worth.

When we begin to recognize our doormat behaviors, the doors begin to swing wide open for healing and advancement and over time, this would mean death to the ego (our lower self).  I have to admit I have heard some pretty darn creative excuses in my time!  Each and every time, I come to know even more deeply how much power we give over to our to our egos and how little we have honored our authentic selves.

The road to empowerment is all about radical honesty with self.  It’s about standing up and saying:

Yes, I handed my power over to him/her right there!  This is precisely the place I go wrong every time.

Oftentimes, I believe we are deeply afraid to admit our doormat areas because that will mean we have to do something different right now, this minute, and we simply are not yet healed or prepared enough to do so.

Rest assured, admittance is only the first step to healing.  No one can make you do anything that you are not truly ready for.  Know and understand that recognition of your disempowered ways is merely the gateway to building up your strength, faith and courage to be able to act from a higher place whenever you are ready to do so.

Recovering from doormat hood is just that… a recovery.  It takes time, commitment and tenacity to start to living empowerment in all areas of your life.  To whole-heartedly admit your doormat tendencies, is to say YES to a better way of living… A life of brimming with respect, honor and fulfilled dreams.