Tag: authenticity

How To Act When Dating Someone New – Today’s Question & Answer

 

Question:

When you first meet someone that you feel chemistry and connection with, how are you supposed to act?

You are supposed to act 100% yourself. Period. If we wear a mask of any kind portraying ourselves as something we are not, we run the risk of duping our partner into “liking” us.

Short-term we “win” the man, but long-term we’ve signed up for a partnership that was not built on truth. This is often where disharmony, affairs and/or divorce stem from. (Disclaimer: But by far not the only reason)

It is much better to be ourselves from Go rather than bob and weave between the lines of who we think our potential partner wants us to be. In doing that, we are dishonoring ourselves first and our partner second. Not a great way to start out a relationship.

100 % authenticity, baby!

I’m myself but I sense men still play games. I grew up with the concept that if a man wants you in his life he will make it happen.

I do believe if a man truly sees your value and wants to secure you (and he is commitment ready), he will make sure you know it. He will want to seal the deal so to speak so he does not have to worry about you being “out there”.

If a man is not securing his position with you there is reason to pause, rethink what the relationship is actually built on, what is acceptable to you and what you are truly desiring in a relationship.

You are responsible for your own happiness regardless what he decides.

But I’m a bit older now and my dating pool of men are divorced with children. So that white night drives a minivan now.  :) I just met someone who I am very attracted to, but he is not only divorced with two kids but his ex-wife recently moved across the country with their children. And to top it off he is a high ranking military man. I have never dated a military guy before and that is a whole other topic.

I invite you to release the need to attach labels, excuses and/or stigmas onto him. He’s a man and soul first before anything else. Deal with the person, his personality and behavior, not an imposed belief or stigma attached to his situation and current status.

We handle our relationships best when we believe what we are seeing through a clear filter, not the filter of an attached label or excuse attached to a label. 

Until then, pay attention to how he treats you. Are you being respected? Do you feel his interest? Are you high up on his priority list?

This is super new and I really like him but need to get to know him better.

Great idea! Although there are those moments “jumping in” works, it is a rarity in long-term success! When we release the need to rush, we allow for graceful unfolding – a true blending of energies and personalities. That is where the magic is.

I do want to show him I care and want him in my life but don’t want to scare him away. How would you advise in this type of situation?

A courageous and open heart will show care naturally. A heart that is “afraid” of scaring him away will give off energy incongruent with your true essence. Instead he might feel: neediness, insecurity or a “scripted behavior” which is not attractive to pursuers male or female.

Appreciation, light touches and your happiness and inner glow with him is encouragement enough for him to continue pursuing you.

When I think of him, I’ll send him a quick text. He has confided in me a little about his ex but I’m not sure if I should allow that or ask that he not discuss her with me. Isn’t it too soon to go there? Or is it?

My personal philosophy is there are no topics off limits.

We cannot get to know our person or anyone else for that matter, if we only discuss superficial topics. Getting to know someone on the core level requires open-hearted conversation around everything!

We can’t know what or who we are dealing with (and decide if it works for us or not) if we don’t enter into unknown space. Furthermore, if he’s not far out of the relationship, talking about it and processing space will be vital to his healing.

I fear I am going to mess this up even if he is the one with the heavier baggage.

Carrying fears into a relationship has the capacity to “mess it up” depending where both parties are at. Fear brings with it a dank energy. You might want to explore your shadow to see if your fear stems from an unworthiness associated with men or a sense of urgency or neediness that does indeed have the capacity to push him away.

My advice is to continually work on yourself. Fear dissipates when we know and love ourselves. This is the pathway to a mutual loving and respectful relationship. If you are unable to do this alone, contact a good coach or therapist to assist you.

I want to get to know him because I sense this could be really great. Call it intuition, but I feel there is something really special about him.

There is something special about him – he is God’s child just as you are. All relationships serve us in some capacity or another. Our person may be here for a reason, a season or a lifetime. Whatever the purpose may be, may we open our hearts to follow Spirit’s guidance and open our eyes to see the shadows this relationship will bring to the forefront for healing.

Everything is purposeful.


Beloved Sister, I’m honored you called upon me to hold space for you while you navigate through your confusion. I hope I interpreted your email correctly and this tidbit helps you in the highest way. Sending you much love on your journey!

~KB

You Only Need Your Own Approval

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The world can be a cruel and painful place to exist. But…only if we believe what others are saying about us.

Someone is always going to have an opinion about what we are doing or saying. We can’t stop it. We also have to know that every single person on this planet is going to see life and other people through their own lenses – lenses that were created by their upbringings, experiences and egoic illusions. Some people have not questioned or undone the rules, dogma or beliefs imposed on them from others and are still living with the confines of an imposed way of thinking. Hence, their automatic response is judgment.

When we work really hard to please everyone around us, we only end up hurting ourselves and playing small in order for others to be comfortable. By doing this, we actually teach them that what they think or say matters more to us than what we think about ourselves.

The problem is we cannot ever please others to the extent we want to and we end up a shriveled up portion of what are truly meant to be. It takes a tremendous amount of energy to bob and weave through our perceptions of what another person wants from us.

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We spend so much time trying to be what we think they want us to be that we forget who we are and what we want in this life.

We are afraid of losing their love so we falsify ourselves or wear masks that inappropriately fit our souls. We get comfortable being uncomfortable then question why we are not truly happy.

How can we be happy when wearing something that does not fit us correctly? It eventually chafes and rubs and wears away at our essence thus creating unhappiness and dis-ease.

When we give energy to any thought or issue that is not ours to own and work on, we burn away our precious light. We end up spending time where we have no business being.

The amazing teacher of “The Work”, Byron Katie states, “Whose business are in you? Yours? Your neighbor’s? Or God’s? If you are in any business that is not your own, you are wasting your energy.”

The less amount of time spent trying to bob and weave through others issues, the better. We are here to better ourselves not diminish ourselves in order to please the world.

StressMindingBusiness

Unconsciously, I used to live in a mind where I played small. I have a very large family, a lot of friends and many clients and each one is so incredibly different. In order not to create upheaval, lose love or make someone uncomfortable (myself included), I would withhold saying or doing things that would demonstrate my authentic nature or bring me joy. That included speaking light-filled new perceptions that could actually help another person.

The truth is not all people are ready and willing to hear what we have to say. Even if we say the words dripping with chocolate syrup and topped with a plump cherry, they may still grimace, change the subject or create distance. Which often leaves us feeling disapproved of, abandoned, stupid and/or unworthy. Hence, we dim our light, keep a low profile, shut the hell up and play small.

Others reactions used to hurt me a lot until I learned that what others do or say (how they process) has nothing to do with me. As long as I am being respectful, kind and speaking words rooted in love, I have nothing to fear. Additionally, I learned that by playing small I was constricting my own growth and the potential growth of others.

Your Authenticity Can Help Others

Since the playing small version of ourselves never benefits anyone, what does the playing big version do?

When we do the work to heal own our self-worth – knowing in our soul that all that we are is not only enough but brilliant in its own right – we actually bring light to the world! We actually contribute to global healing by simply demonstrating our authentic essence. Sound a little fantastical? Well, it’s not.

Our “essence” is the God Source inside us all. It is core of our being – the good, the beautiful, the compassionate, the creative and the joyful place.

By being courageous enough to be 100% genuine we are giving others permission to be 100% genuine. We are giving others permission to tap into their essence as well.

Vulnerability begets vulnerability. It may not happen in a nanosecond, but over time your openness may lead another to living an authentic life too.

Furthermore, two authentic people build solid foundations of friendships and intimacy rather than two pleasers dancing around one another’s idea of what their person wants from them.

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When deep connections of love, trust and companionship take root, it begins to reach further out into each person’s intimate circle and the pattern continues on and on. We may think we are a tiny speck on a planet in our world and we cannot possibly make a difference, but our thinking is wrong.

We make a difference:

Every time we choose love

Every time we choose kindness

Every time we choose authenticity

Every time we speak love-rooted truth

Every time we respect ourselves

And

Every time we open our hearts.

However, we are not always going to witness what our authentic nature is creating. We don’t always get the immediate pat on the back or confirmation statements from others and our ego may try to trick us into thinking we are wrong in our authentic nature.

Sometimes we must blindly trust that which is ringing in our souls. We must learn to listen to ourselves and go where our heart and soul leads us without the “ok” from the rest of the world. We already know the Right things to do; we just need to cultivate the courage to do it.

We must learn to surrender to when and where shift happens and know that everything rooted Love serves. Period.

Each one of us comes here with a purpose – a divine purpose to shine our light in the world. To be all that we are meant to be and live a purpose driven, love-centered life. It starts with accepting and loving all that you innately are by sharing your genuine self with the world no matter what others think.

Namaste’

Dating With Eyes WIDE OPEN

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Most of us set out into the dating world hoping to land our idea partner quickly and effortlessly. However, sometimes we crave this connection so badly; we lose sight of or ignore the truth of what boloney we are seeing in our partner and chose only to see the “good”. The desperation we have for companionship can often outweigh our logic and intuition. We end up denying or making excuses for behavior that is substandard to our worth in order not to be alone.

Although I honor the soul who focuses on the good in others; the dating world requires removing all veils and entering with eyes WIDE open.

Closing our eyes to truth not to be alone is the sure path to pain. When we are desperate for attention and love, we undermine our potential by ignoring the red flags coming our way. We seek to make him/her love US instead of deciding if we can love him/her!

I know this story well because it was me.

Here’s a thought…

How about if you viewed each dating experience as “practice” rather than a means to an end? An opportunity to practice your authenticity, morals, values and self-worth to see if who you truly are is cohesive with whom he/she truly is? We cannot attract someone who is ideal for us if we are not displaying our genuine nature or we are settling for less than what we deserve. Dating can give us the practice we so desperately need in order to strengthen our self-worth. With a good sense of self-worth, our energy shifts and we begin to attract better people to us.

By viewing dating as practice, we take the expectation and pressure out of the relationship from the start. Instead, we focus on getting to know ourselves and our potential partners before flying into the sack in a mad attempt to seal the deal. As we know, this only results in piles of regret and digs our lack of self-esteem pit even deeper.

Dating is the perfect classroom to discover more fully what we would enjoy in an ideal partner AND it gives us an opportunity to practice our self-worth until it becomes our new normal.

We can’t know what we want until we know what we don’t want.

I remember a time when I thought with every guy I dated, “This is it! He’s the one!” The only requirement for a date was whether I was physically attracted to him and then I’d allow his humor, attention, sex or whatever to take over. I would ignore any and all BS that was coming my way. I’d excuse his crap behavior with, “But we have such a great connection!”   Fooey on connection! Human beings can have connection with oodles of people. We don’t have to view every “connection” as our perfect partner. True connection and lasting companionship begins and ends with respect. If we are not looking any further than surface, every time we attempt to go deeper or feel more secure, we will experience disappointment.

“Connection” with a potential partner should only signal us to look a little closer and begin exploring more deeply who this person really is.

It took several ridiculous relationships for me to finally realize I had a pattern and that pattern was not knowing what I wanted and deserved and settling each time out of desperation.

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Relationships are designed to show us our patterns if we are willing to see them. They will show us precisely where we live our worth and where we do not.

“Wherever we are disempowered, someone will overpower.”  – Dr. John Demartini 

Furthermore, relationships will show us where we are compromising our sacred self not to be alone and just how much disrespect we are willing to take until we are broken once again.

It’s important to remember this little fact:

If we are not requiring anything better, we will not get anything better.

A healthy, reciprocal relationship requires a healthy you. By dating with eyes wide open, you are being given the perfect space to practice honoring yourself each and every time an opportunity arises. This is how we cultivate self-worth and this is how we attract our ideal mate!

Your thoughts?