Tag: attracting soul mate

How to Break Unhealthy Relationship Patterns For Good!

How to Break Unhealthy Relationship Patterns For Good

The Sweet Empowerment Podcast

Episode #51  Show Notes

Link to Show

 

Are you tired of relationships not working out? Perhaps being cheated on, abandoned, disrespected or not being a priority?

 

In this episode, I’m going to share why our unhealthy relationship patterns persist and what we can do to break them once and for all.

 

How we think about ourselves and treat ourselves is what is reflected back to us in our relationships. Where we were hoping our person would fill the holes in our heart, we are left with even more when the relationship breaks.

 

If we don’t see our value, our person won’t see our value either.

 

Then we blame them for treating us badly and we try to change them.

 

Which never works.

 

So, we become frustrated upset and build up resentment. A chasm is inserted and eventually the relationship breaks. Or at the very least we stay in an unhappy, unfulfilling relationship.

 

All because we tried to change them, instead of changing ourselves. We tried to make them value us instead of us valuing ourselves.

 

Remember, how we think about and treat ourselves is what is reflected back to us.

 

The only true power we have in relationships and life is loving ourselves so much, we are willing to speak our truth, set boundaries and walk away if necessary.

 

It’s the defining moment. The moment we see whether our partner values the relationship enough to do the necessary work or not.

 

And whether they do or not, has nothing to do with your worth! No one has the power to determine our worth. That was determined by God, long before we even came here.

 

Their choice to grow will only depend on how motivated our boundaries make them combined with their level of humility and willingness to take responsibility for their behavior.

 

Are they blamers? Are they arrogant, spoiled and entitled? Are they willing to own their stuff?

 

Are they emotionally weak, emotionally immature and/or childish?

 

Or are they humble and willing to see truth and act on it?

 

Are they fearful of losing of you or willing to cash you in for someone who doesn’t challenge them to grow? Some people are just that stuck and it has nothing to do with you!

 

YOU did not create this.

 

You might ask yourself… If they are not fearful of losing the relationship and willing to cash you in, is this the type of person you want as your lifer? Is this someone who would make you a priority and be there for you no matter what?

 

I’ve had my share of lopsided relationships. Not once, but several times. In fact, it’s why I now teach what I teach. I learned how to break the pattern so I could attract and maintain a mutually loving and respectful relationship.

 

I learned that by setting limits, men who didn’t value me or were ready for the caliber of relationship I was, left. It’s never fun when someone leaves you, but in hindsight, I realized it was the best thing they could’ve done for me.

 

Have you ever considered that a person’s rejection is your protection? Yeah, that’s a good one isn’t it?

 

I also learned that the ones who valued me and the relationship, were willing to grow.

 

Here’s the deal, when we begin to see behaviors we don’t like (and this could take some months), it’s important to start setting the precedence of what you require by speaking up and setting and maintaining healthy boundaries if necessary.

 

Iyanla Vanzant says, “People violate you when you don’t have clear boundaries and they run amok!”

 

But setting clear boundaries is next to impossible if we are desperate or needy because we tend to overlook, ignore and deny what we’re seeing.

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We make excuses for what they do so that we don’t have to push the limits because we’re deathly afraid of losing them.

 

But the problem is, we don’t weed out people who are not good for us. People who will not treat us respectfully and honorably. And we end up with people who will continually cause us pain.

 

Who wants to live like that?  I sure don’t!

 

When we don’t question behavior and/or set limits when we start to see questionable or unacceptable behavior, we teach them their behavior is OK. I say when we “start” to see the behavior because many people wait to long.

 

And that’s on us, my friends, because we are responsible for how we let others treat us. It’s time to speak up!

 

Otherwise, their poor treatment eventually eats at us over time and we become attacking, blaming, angry and resentful or the contrary of distant, shut down, detached and uncommunicative.

 

When we wait too long, our person is not motivated to change. Because they’ve been getting away with it for so long. Have you ever had someone “change” for a week or two then go right back into the same crap? That’s because there was no motivation for long-term healing. They adjusted for a minute most likely to shut us up, but there was no real motivation for long-term healing because they know we’re not going anywhere.

 

Another point is we’ve also not deemed ourselves as valuable so we are often taken for granted or not made a priority. We don’t matter to ourselves, so why should we matter to another person?

 

To be honest, being a pushover is not an attractive quality either. In truth, it’s often seen as boring and weak.

 

So, let’s back up to when we are initially faced with bad treatment and behaviors.

 

Know that THIS is the magical opportunity to teach our person how to treat us by communicating what is okay and what is not. Learning to speak up from the start is how we demonstrate our value and teach others what’s required to be with us. It’s how we sort through who has the potential be an ideal partner and who does not.

 

At that point, if the person is open to personal growth and has deemed you/relationship valuable, the person will adjust his/her behavior in order to keep the relationship. Remember, any change or morphing based in love, respect, honor, ethics, morals or values, is always good thing!

 

So please know, your boundary is aiding your person in their spiritual development and growth. It is truly a win-win situation for both parties.

 

Keep in mind, we are not asking someone to change the essence of who they are or their unique individuality. In fact, we are not asking for change at all.

 

We are simply demonstrating that we will not stick around for crap behavior. If our boundary motivates them to heal or grow, then beautiful! If not, we can exit the relationship without deeper investment. Because we all know once we get further invested with sex, finances, children, property and in-laws, it becomes even more difficult to exit when necessary.

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Unfortunately, there are millions of people who get caught in the excitement that someone might “complete” them and ignore potential warning signs.

 

So, what stops us from speaking up and setting and maintaining healthy boundaries?

 

We are unable and unwilling to set boundaries and speak up for ourselves when we are desperate for a relationship. And why are we desperate?

 

Because we think there is no one out there for us or this is our last chance.

 

We may also think I can’t get better than him/her or time is running out. Or maybe you think there’s something wrong with you because you are single, short, tall, old, young, black, white or rainbow. There’s many, many reasons we compromise our sacred self.

 

The bottom, bottom line is we want someone to love and accept us so we can feel better about ourselves.

 

Because deep down we don’t feel like we are enough. Since we don’t believe who we are, we believe someone or something outside of ourselves will make us feel enough.

 

Which is flawed thinking because that job is ours and ours alone.

 

Furthermore, when we enter any relationship with an energy of desperation, we are weak. We are so dependent for the relationship, we will not challenge our person’s bad behavior the way we should. Because there’s a possibility our person will leave us.

 

This is NOT gender specific by any means. This is true in males as well as females.

 

This desperation also masquerades as love because it feels powerful. It feels addicting and like we can’t live without the other person.

 

And calling it love gives us an excuse to stay. Because saying I am staying for love sounds more acceptable than I am staying because I am desperate and afraid.

 

But when we get radically honest and sort through our patterns, we clearly see the root of all we do and do not do in relationships is based on our level of self- worth.

 

The level to which we matter to ourselves is directly proportional to how willing we are to challenge poor behavior from others.

 

Let me say that again…

 

The level to which we matter to ourselves is directly proportional to how willing we are to challenge poor behavior form others.

 

It’s also a clear indicator how likely we will attract, create and maintain a reciprocally loving and respectful relationship.

 

Hence, the one true antidote to bad relationships is, “Clean up your self-worth, clean up your life!”

 

If you’re interested in the work I did to heal my self-worth and reclaim my personal power, you can buy my book HERE.

 

Or if you’d like to dive deeper, you can contact me for specialized coaching to help you reveal and heal your unhealthy relationship patterns.

 

I’m interested in specialized coaching.

 

It’s always good to speak and hear truth. I hope this episode landed in your heart in a way that sparks hope and inspires you to reclaim your personal power so you can end your dysfunctional relationship patterns for good!

 

 

 

Your Failed Relationships Can Change Your Life

The days, weeks and months post break-up are the most important part of our recovery process. Why? Because it is the time we are the most raw and do the most reflecting. During this time, we tend to replay conversations and scenarios in our head and examine all aspects of the relationship.

It is also the time we tend to assign blame to our ex and stand righteously behind why we were done so wrong.

He did me so wrong! I was so abused and mistreated. What a jerk/bitch! How dare she!

Short-term it feels great to the ego to point the finger outward; however, long-term it serves nothing.

When we place 100% blame on our partner and are unwilling to see the part we played (no matter how minute it seems) we will continue to bring our own dysfunctional relationship patterns into every future relationship we have.

Let me explain further…

Each relationship we experience is a classroom for us to grow in. If we look only at the places our ex needs to grow, we will never learn what is intended for us and we will continue to attract relationships that will attempt to show us ourselves.

Do you want to experience another dysfunctional relationship, another breakup? Do you really think you played no part? Does the need to be right and place total blame on your ex really trump your own emotional growth and wellness?

It wasn’t until I experienced the worst betrayal of my life did I finally open my mind to the idea that I had played a part in the downfall of my failed relationships.

I finally recognized I was the common denominator. I was the who allowed my partners to dishonor and disrespect me. That was my contribution. It didn’t matter if my part was only 10% or not as destructive as his; I still had to take complete responsibility for what part was mine. My relationships served to show me that I was not honoring or respecting myself.

Recognize the Common Theme

If we truly open our minds and look close enough, we will see the common theme that runs through all our failed relationships. Here is a few examples of common themes.

I invite you to keep an open mind as one or several of the following may look familiar to you:

• You are fearful of communication
• You are too walled off to allow someone close
• You let your partners walk all over you then resent them for it
• You choose people who are exciting (i.e. Bad boys) rather than partners who are rich in character
• You attract commitment phobes or are one yourself
• You think nothing of yourself therefore you partners treat you like nothing
• You lie to avoid confrontation
• You avoid difficult subjects
• You allow your partner to get away with bad behavior
• You fail to set and maintain healthy boundaries
• You fail to take care of yourself for fear of losing their love
• You have high expectations that no “human” could ever meet

Discovering your common theme is…

The First Step

This is when the magic happens!

We cannot heal what we do not know exists. Once you become clear on your part of the equation, celebrate it!

I am so grateful I discovered my pattern of _______! I will focus on doing the work to heal this disempowered pattern so I may dissolve it for good!

Friends, I could not maintain appropriate boundaries with my partners when they were clearly wrong. I’d pout, cry, talk, talk, talk, and talk, threaten and yell, but nothing would ever change. I couldn’t set boundaries because I was afraid I would lose their love or the relationship would end. I was weak and afraid. I banked my self-worth on how they thought of me and fell short of empowerment every time it mattered most.

I had no idea I was a doormat and repeatedly attracted men who treated me the way I treated myself.

When I recognized my common theme, focused on my healing and learned to transcend my disempowered places, my boundaries became unwavering because I was no longer afraid of losing the love. My emotional health and well-being had become more important to me than anything.

Not long after doing the work, as if by magic, I attracted a man who reciprocally loves and respects me. A man who works with me, grows with me and complements my personality beautifully.

And the same can happen for you!

Open Your Mind and Be Gentle With You

Please understand you are a work in progress just like everyone else. Give yourself grace for the points of healing you discover within yourself. Beating yourself up will only strengthen and perpetuate the unworthiness behind your fearful and disempowered behavior.

Rest knowing your healing will change the dynamic of all your relationships for the better and forever!

Allow a sense of freedom to wash over you as you now have been released from a hidden place inside yourself that has dictated the theme in your relationships. You are now on path to attracting the relationship of your dreams!

Contact me at sweetempowement@gmail.com for a FREE 30 minute coaching session to get your started!

I believe in you!