Tag: attracting right mate

How to Break Unhealthy Relationship Patterns For Good!

How to Break Unhealthy Relationship Patterns For Good

The Sweet Empowerment Podcast

Episode #51  Show Notes

Link to Show

 

Are you tired of relationships not working out? Perhaps being cheated on, abandoned, disrespected or not being a priority?

 

In this episode, I’m going to share why our unhealthy relationship patterns persist and what we can do to break them once and for all.

 

How we think about ourselves and treat ourselves is what is reflected back to us in our relationships. Where we were hoping our person would fill the holes in our heart, we are left with even more when the relationship breaks.

 

If we don’t see our value, our person won’t see our value either.

 

Then we blame them for treating us badly and we try to change them.

 

Which never works.

 

So, we become frustrated upset and build up resentment. A chasm is inserted and eventually the relationship breaks. Or at the very least we stay in an unhappy, unfulfilling relationship.

 

All because we tried to change them, instead of changing ourselves. We tried to make them value us instead of us valuing ourselves.

 

Remember, how we think about and treat ourselves is what is reflected back to us.

 

The only true power we have in relationships and life is loving ourselves so much, we are willing to speak our truth, set boundaries and walk away if necessary.

 

It’s the defining moment. The moment we see whether our partner values the relationship enough to do the necessary work or not.

 

And whether they do or not, has nothing to do with your worth! No one has the power to determine our worth. That was determined by God, long before we even came here.

 

Their choice to grow will only depend on how motivated our boundaries make them combined with their level of humility and willingness to take responsibility for their behavior.

 

Are they blamers? Are they arrogant, spoiled and entitled? Are they willing to own their stuff?

 

Are they emotionally weak, emotionally immature and/or childish?

 

Or are they humble and willing to see truth and act on it?

 

Are they fearful of losing of you or willing to cash you in for someone who doesn’t challenge them to grow? Some people are just that stuck and it has nothing to do with you!

 

YOU did not create this.

 

You might ask yourself… If they are not fearful of losing the relationship and willing to cash you in, is this the type of person you want as your lifer? Is this someone who would make you a priority and be there for you no matter what?

 

I’ve had my share of lopsided relationships. Not once, but several times. In fact, it’s why I now teach what I teach. I learned how to break the pattern so I could attract and maintain a mutually loving and respectful relationship.

 

I learned that by setting limits, men who didn’t value me or were ready for the caliber of relationship I was, left. It’s never fun when someone leaves you, but in hindsight, I realized it was the best thing they could’ve done for me.

 

Have you ever considered that a person’s rejection is your protection? Yeah, that’s a good one isn’t it?

 

I also learned that the ones who valued me and the relationship, were willing to grow.

 

Here’s the deal, when we begin to see behaviors we don’t like (and this could take some months), it’s important to start setting the precedence of what you require by speaking up and setting and maintaining healthy boundaries if necessary.

 

Iyanla Vanzant says, “People violate you when you don’t have clear boundaries and they run amok!”

 

But setting clear boundaries is next to impossible if we are desperate or needy because we tend to overlook, ignore and deny what we’re seeing.

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We make excuses for what they do so that we don’t have to push the limits because we’re deathly afraid of losing them.

 

But the problem is, we don’t weed out people who are not good for us. People who will not treat us respectfully and honorably. And we end up with people who will continually cause us pain.

 

Who wants to live like that?  I sure don’t!

 

When we don’t question behavior and/or set limits when we start to see questionable or unacceptable behavior, we teach them their behavior is OK. I say when we “start” to see the behavior because many people wait to long.

 

And that’s on us, my friends, because we are responsible for how we let others treat us. It’s time to speak up!

 

Otherwise, their poor treatment eventually eats at us over time and we become attacking, blaming, angry and resentful or the contrary of distant, shut down, detached and uncommunicative.

 

When we wait too long, our person is not motivated to change. Because they’ve been getting away with it for so long. Have you ever had someone “change” for a week or two then go right back into the same crap? That’s because there was no motivation for long-term healing. They adjusted for a minute most likely to shut us up, but there was no real motivation for long-term healing because they know we’re not going anywhere.

 

Another point is we’ve also not deemed ourselves as valuable so we are often taken for granted or not made a priority. We don’t matter to ourselves, so why should we matter to another person?

 

To be honest, being a pushover is not an attractive quality either. In truth, it’s often seen as boring and weak.

 

So, let’s back up to when we are initially faced with bad treatment and behaviors.

 

Know that THIS is the magical opportunity to teach our person how to treat us by communicating what is okay and what is not. Learning to speak up from the start is how we demonstrate our value and teach others what’s required to be with us. It’s how we sort through who has the potential be an ideal partner and who does not.

 

At that point, if the person is open to personal growth and has deemed you/relationship valuable, the person will adjust his/her behavior in order to keep the relationship. Remember, any change or morphing based in love, respect, honor, ethics, morals or values, is always good thing!

 

So please know, your boundary is aiding your person in their spiritual development and growth. It is truly a win-win situation for both parties.

 

Keep in mind, we are not asking someone to change the essence of who they are or their unique individuality. In fact, we are not asking for change at all.

 

We are simply demonstrating that we will not stick around for crap behavior. If our boundary motivates them to heal or grow, then beautiful! If not, we can exit the relationship without deeper investment. Because we all know once we get further invested with sex, finances, children, property and in-laws, it becomes even more difficult to exit when necessary.

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Unfortunately, there are millions of people who get caught in the excitement that someone might “complete” them and ignore potential warning signs.

 

So, what stops us from speaking up and setting and maintaining healthy boundaries?

 

We are unable and unwilling to set boundaries and speak up for ourselves when we are desperate for a relationship. And why are we desperate?

 

Because we think there is no one out there for us or this is our last chance.

 

We may also think I can’t get better than him/her or time is running out. Or maybe you think there’s something wrong with you because you are single, short, tall, old, young, black, white or rainbow. There’s many, many reasons we compromise our sacred self.

 

The bottom, bottom line is we want someone to love and accept us so we can feel better about ourselves.

 

Because deep down we don’t feel like we are enough. Since we don’t believe who we are, we believe someone or something outside of ourselves will make us feel enough.

 

Which is flawed thinking because that job is ours and ours alone.

 

Furthermore, when we enter any relationship with an energy of desperation, we are weak. We are so dependent for the relationship, we will not challenge our person’s bad behavior the way we should. Because there’s a possibility our person will leave us.

 

This is NOT gender specific by any means. This is true in males as well as females.

 

This desperation also masquerades as love because it feels powerful. It feels addicting and like we can’t live without the other person.

 

And calling it love gives us an excuse to stay. Because saying I am staying for love sounds more acceptable than I am staying because I am desperate and afraid.

 

But when we get radically honest and sort through our patterns, we clearly see the root of all we do and do not do in relationships is based on our level of self- worth.

 

The level to which we matter to ourselves is directly proportional to how willing we are to challenge poor behavior from others.

 

Let me say that again…

 

The level to which we matter to ourselves is directly proportional to how willing we are to challenge poor behavior form others.

 

It’s also a clear indicator how likely we will attract, create and maintain a reciprocally loving and respectful relationship.

 

Hence, the one true antidote to bad relationships is, “Clean up your self-worth, clean up your life!”

 

If you’re interested in the work I did to heal my self-worth and reclaim my personal power, you can buy my book HERE.

 

Or if you’d like to dive deeper, you can contact me for specialized coaching to help you reveal and heal your unhealthy relationship patterns.

 

I’m interested in specialized coaching.

 

It’s always good to speak and hear truth. I hope this episode landed in your heart in a way that sparks hope and inspires you to reclaim your personal power so you can end your dysfunctional relationship patterns for good!

 

 

 

Attracting The Ideal Mate

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I’m sure by now most of you have heard the quote, “Stop looking for the right person and become the right person.” Pre-tsunami I would have had no clue what that meant. Going on the assumption some of you may have no clue what that means, I thought I’d delve into this more deeply.

Historically, I was always looking outside myself for someone to be perfect for me. I had no idea what this really meant; I just thought he’d magically show up and we’d ride into the sunset together. Little did I know that he couldn’t present himself until I had healed the blocks inside of myself that would change my energy from undeserving to deserving.

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I had to endure one hell of a bomb in order to be reduced enough to open my heart to other possibilities. What I learned was this:

I did not know who I was, what I really wanted or that I was worthy of the partnership of my dreams. Somehow I kept repeating relationships and situations that were not reciprocally loving.

I remember after my first divorce, not even being able to explain what went wrong. I just knew the marriage wasn’t right and I had become bitter and angry. I later learned that I had attracted a mate that completely mirrored back the places in me that I was not respecting or honoring in myself. It wasn’t his fault; he was just being himself. It was my responsibility because if I wasn’t respecting and honoring myself, there was no possible way I could teach him how to. I had no boundaries because I had no worth to support those boundaries.

Instead of stating my feelings/truth and following it up with actions that supported my worth, I’d be nasty and spiteful. The “nice” had never worked, so I went to the extreme. And guess what… that didn’t work either! Instead, I just became a miserable asshole.

That was a hard realization to admit because from the outside, I wasn’t being reciprocally supported, loved or honored. Of course it was his fault. In my mind, I had every reason to be a jerk because HE wasn’t treating me right. It was all HIS fault.

Wrong.

Just because someone doesn’t treat us right, we don’t have license to lower ourselves to their level. In fact, that behavior only creates more friction and chaos!

Our BEST CHOICE ALWAYS is to empower ourselves. We must be willing to do the work to heal the unworthiness wounds inside ourselves that keep attracting partners that are meeting us at that lower energetic level. In order to attract a partner that respects and loves us wholly, we must respect and love ourselves wholly! When we change our energy from the inside out, our life naturally shifts to meet us at this new level.

In my book From Doormat To Sweet Empowerment, I go in depth into the 9 keys areas I shifted/healed in my life in order to attract reciprocally respectful relationships.

No longer will we be attracted to someone who doesn’t honor our worth. We will sense the lack of cohesiveness very early on and our worthiness will support our exit.

I remember always, always, ALWAYS second guessing my feeling/thoughts/actions. Maybe I’m not seeing this right? I’d attach excuses to the person’s behaviors and I’d convince myself to “Just stay a little longer. He’ll figure it out.” They never did because they never do. We’ve attracted the wrong partner and until we fully love and honor ourselves, we will continue to do so.

Taking full responsibility for our lives starts with recognizing our unworthiness wounds.

I remember my second husband (the tsunami husband) saying scornfully to me once, “You are now going to be divorced twice! See, something is wrong with YOU, not me. YOU are the common denominator!” The complete irony of this statement is this… He meant those words as a way to point the finger outward instead of owning his sh*t and I knew that then. However, somewhere along my healing path, I remember thinking, “Damn! He is so right! I AM the common denominator!” But not in the “you suck” way he was saying. It was ME that kept attracting disrespect. It was ME who made excuses for my partner’s bad behaviors. It was ME who stayed when I saw the warning signs early on. It was ME who didn’t love me enough to say ENOUGH. I always giggle when I tell this story, because it was just so perfect! Although his words were meant to hurt, they brought awareness instead! How ironic is that?

Freedom comes when we finally open our hearts to truth.

Now that I knew it was I that was repeating a pattern, I could actually do something about it! No more finger pointing! No more shame and blame! I had some work to do and I got busy doing it.

I made a vow to not even consider dating until I felt empowered enough to be able to hold my lines. I even constructed an “Unacceptable Treatment Guideline”, a list of deal breakers, to warn me when I was with someone of non-reciprocal quality. I used the guideline as a reminder until I was strong enough to spot and respond effectively to behaviors naturally. I needed a go-to check list at first as I was fine-tuning my worth and strengthening myself.

When I finally dated again, I was Divinely put into a situation where I had to demonstrate my worthiness. He didn’t have any huge flags about it him, but there were several small ones. I asked questions to clarify my thoughts and gratefully he was honest enough with me to confirm what I was seeing/feeling. We ended after 5 weeks. Thank you for that opportunity, Spirit! The mere experience of that solidified my worth even more because each time we act from our worthiness, we become stronger, more rooted.

Shortly thereafter, I did meet my equal. I have never before experienced such respect, love and devotion! I still shake my head in wonder sometimes… However, I could not have attracted him until I had deemed myself worthy of him.

No work done on self is ever in vain! Even though you might not see the immediate fruits of your labor, it is there behind the scenes aligning people and circumstance to help lead you to your best life! With each step toward self-love, you are getting closer and closer to your life’s dreams.

Take care of you.

Love you unconditionally

Cultivate your worth

And watch as miracles envelope your life.

 

Your thoughts?