Category: Self-Sabotage

Why You Can’t Let Go of Your Ex

I’m just going to say it… break ups suck!

They are heart wrenching, sad and confusing. And they’re even more devastating when we can’t let our ex go.

I’ve been through my share of breakups and each one had its own unique brand of suck-ness. But there was one that wins the award. I hung on to that guy post-break up for two anxiety-ridden years.

Although I didn’t see him in those two years, he was rooted in my psyche like a Kansas Chigger in July. It was so off character for me, people around me were shocked and frankly, tired of hearing about it. At some point, I couldn’t stand the suffering any longer and I begged God for help.

Why am I hanging on to him? I can’t stand this any longer! Please help me let him go.

God responded.

It wasn’t what I expected, but I knew it was Truth. I was done betraying myself with illusion, so I looked to Truth instead. Shortly after, I was able to detach with peace and never look back.

Here’s what I learned:

Oftentimes, we interpret our inability to let a partner go as “love” when in fact, there’s an unhealthy attachment keeping us stuck. Those attachments can include: a need for belonging, connection, attention, validation and/or security. When we believe someone “out there” can fill our hollows and quell our fears, we naturally wouldn’t want to let them go. It appears like a quick easy fix!

But the problem is, it’s not Real Love we are feeling. It’s obsession. Real Love is compassion, understanding, forgiveness and freedom. Obsession is a preoccupation with something to a troubling extent. What may have started as love, became a hustle to fill our emptiness the minute our person left. If we’re super honest with ourselves, we will see it’s not the person we’re stuck on; it’s the deep need they were filling.

Awareness is always key to transcending emotional stuckness. Once we’re clear what the problem is, we can seek for solution. Without awareness, we will continue the suffering cycle.

In my case, my unhealthy attachment was security. I had gone through a horrific life situation and my security was rocked to the core. I had lost everything. I was not aware how deeply my security was affected until I examined it. The material world was showing me where I needed healing in my spiritual world. It became very clear why I had hung on so long. I was desperate to feel secure and somehow my psyche decided a partner was the cure.

Once I realized my desperation for security, it finally made sense. I could see the undercurrent of it in my behavior. It became clear love was not holding on to him, fear was. I healed my desperation by recognizing all the ways I was already secure. My unhealthy attachment began to dissolve.

Then my second epiphany came.

I was in my early 40’s, twice divorced, showing signs of age, had 3 kids, lived with my parent’s and more. I was cruelly judging my current situation and my worth. I didn’t see myself as valuable so I couldn’t believe a man would either. But somehow I managed to land this guy! When he left, my mind hung onto him because I subconsciously believed he was my only chance. If I let him go, I’d be alone forever. Again, I healed this false belief by recognizing all the ways I am valuable. This time, my unhealthy attachment dissolved completely. I was finally able to release him with love.

I’d be remiss if I failed to mention how important it is to grieve a relationship’s end. A break up is the death of something we once saw as alive and thriving. Give yourself ample time to grieve the relationship. Endings can be difficult and sad. They need your love and attention. You need your love and attention. Do your best to refrain from filling the void with another relationship while grieving your previous one.

But hold on! Here’s the most ironic and fascinating part of the story!

After healing my destructive beliefs and grieving properly, I learned something that shocked the heck out of me. Are you ready for this?

He wasn’t the man of my dreams.

I couldn’t believe I had held on to him so tightly!

There were aspects of his personality and the way he lived his life that would not work for me long-term. When the filter of need was removed, I could see him clearly. His leaving and refusal to get back together was a blessing in disguise. I was just too blind to see it at the time. A partner’s rejection is often our protection. It’s Divine Intervention in action. I am so grateful God took care of me when I was unable to care for myself.

Relationships are designed to show us ourselves. They are a mirror of our unhealed wounds. An inability to let go of an ex is only an indicator we are looking to the outside world for acceptance and love. The key to transcending your stuckness is to be 100% honest with yourself.

Discover what’s really behind your inability to let go and do the work to heal it.

In closing, I’ll leave you with this beautiful quote from one of my favorite spiritual teachers.

“How do you let go of attachment to things? Don’t even try. It’s impossible. Attachment to things drops away by itself when you no longer seek to find yourself in them.” – Eckhart Tolle

How to Recognize Your Intuition

Intuition:  The ability to acquire knowledge without inference or use of reason.  It comes from the Latin word, “Intueri” which translates into “to look inside”. Intuition is our communication with God, the very essence of the Universe, whose intelligence far outreaches our human understanding.

Intuition is an innate gift or trait we are born with. We all have it.  Male or female.  Young or elderly.  Black, white and everything in between. It is an inner knowing, sense or feeling.  A gentle nudge pushing us in the right direction.  Sometimes it is a warning and other times it’s a clear step to the next step to take on our path.

Our intuition comes in moments when our mind is free-flowing- the times we are not attached to outcome, but are allowing for truth.

It is best described as a whisper resonating with truth.  Our intuition does not come attached to emotion.  On the contrary, intuition feels emotionless.

Many of us have difficulty discerning between what is intuitive guidance and what is not.  Many times our intuition may guide us in a different direction than our thinking mind is.  With this, we are oftentimes confused as to what is real and what is not.  The best way I have learned to distinguish between the two is this:

Intuition is a whisper, fear (over-thinking mind) is a shout.

Fear yells at us. It’s emotional and subjective. It’s screams WARNING, WARNING, WARNING even where there may not be real danger. It’s the loudest voice in our head, thus the easiest one to pay attention to.

Intuition is gentle. It’s non-emotional, neutral and objective.  It is found in the space between our thoughts. It has a different quality than every day passive thinking and is outstandingly different than fear. It’s the moment God speaks to us and we consider a different possibility. One rooted in peace, truth and for the highest good of all concerned.

Oftentimes, we may discount our intuitive message because it is not as loud or overpowering as our fearful mind is.  Remember, the squeaky wheel gets the grease? We often pay attention to our fearful mind because it’s loud and intrusive.

In moments like this it is imperative to get quiet.  Whether your quiet comes through meditation, exercise, driving or other experiences. To truly hear your divine guidance, it is important to make time to create space between your thoughts.

I used to think I had to handle all my life’s questions and decisions by myself.  (I only called upon God in times of great pain and distress) In those times I found myself repeating the same behaviors over and over again because my thinking was always the same.  I may have received guidance, but quickly discounted it because I was sure I knew better.  My egoic/fearful mind wanted to control.

I learned that God is in/through/with us at all times. I didn’t need to “save” my calls only for desperate times. I could connect any time, any where. My life changed in a profound way. I began to co-create with God instead of believing I had to do it alone. Things got easier. I made better choices and life began to flow like never before.

We all get intuitive “hits” and often choose not to heed our message. Afterwards, we say, “Ugh! I knew I should have done it the other way!” A great way to learn to trust your intuition is to recall the times you knew better, but chose differently. Remember what your knowing felt like. Remember the medium through which it was delivered:

Did you hear it? See it? Feel it? Or just know it?

When we become aware of  those times, it opens our consciousness and we are better able to recognize and receive our guidance the next time.

As with any practice, getting good at hearing/seeing/feeling/knowing our guidance will take time.  As long as you are diligent to the practice and truly wish to connect with Universal Intelligence (God), you will prevail!

Our life’s decisions and choices become much easier when we learn to connect to our center (God) and trust in the divine guidance we receive.

I believe in you!

How to Get Comfortable Taking Risks

A few weeks ago, I had a conversation with a friend about taking risks. She said she wasn’t a big risk taker. She also said it seemed to her like I don’t have a lot of fear. I was a little stunned by her observation. I remember saying, “Well, I feel fear. I feel fear all the time. I guess I just don’t attach to it.”

I thought about our conversation for weeks. I wondered how I learned to feel fear, but not attach to it. I thought back to my childhood and what it was like growing up with four brothers and a neighborhood full of boys. The boys were always on the go doing something “scary”. They would roam the neighborhood at night, play rough games or meet up with other kids I didn’t know. As a little girl, those things were quite scary.

Oftentimes they would offer me to come and I wouldn’t respond right away. I’d have to think about it. But during my thinking time, they’d leave, and I’d spend the next couple hours wishing I was with them. Each time the boys returned from their adventures, I would feel regret for allowing my fear to rule me. I would always wish I wasn’t so afraid and had said yes!

Growing up with boys taught me that I didn’t have the luxury to feel fear for long. My young mind learned that even if I feel fear, I must act, or I will miss an opportunity.

I learned to feel the fear and do it anyway.

So, when they asked me to partake in a “scary” activity, I started answering without hesitation. I would say yes! And the super cool part was, the event was never near as scary as my mind had conjured up. I learned my mind had built things up to be so engulfing and overpowering, I was sure I would get hurt or worse die!

I learned to get what we want out of life, to move forward, to experience big stuff, we are going to feel afraid. And our only two choices are to freeze and stop or to grab the opportunity and go.

I will disclaim if there was something I didn’t want to do (like ride my bicycle into the pool!) I didn’t do it. I’m not saying to take physical or emotional risks that can harm you. Risks that you are not equipped to handle, or your intuition is telling you is not a good idea.

What I am telling you is fear is an illusion. It’s a thought we make up in our heads designed to keep us comfortable and to keep us small.

So, when my girlfriend said I don’t look afraid, I am afraid.

I feel fear all the time, but I have learned to push through it because it’s exciting and inspiring!

It feels like I am living to full capacity!

I don’t know about you, but I’m not in the market to play small anymore.

Some of you might know that public speaking was my worst fear. So much so that I’d rather take an “F” for a project in school than to speak in front of people. I would even turn beet red when speaking in front of as little as three friends.

In June 2010, I was in my first month of coaching school. I got invited to be a guest speaker on a local morning television show. Without thinking I said yes, then I completely freaked out. No joke. The gig was weeks away and my heart was already pounding in my chest.

The day arrived, and I sat in the “green room” waiting for my segment. I watched as guest after guest shared their knowledge without skipping a beat.

The fearful thoughts rose up again.

Who I am to be here? Why is this happening? Why did I say yes?! I’m going to get this over with and hightail it out of here. No one will even know I was on the show, so they won’t have to feel embarrassed for me.

Then something magical happened. I wouldn’t have believed it if I hadn’t experienced it myself.

I loved being on that stage!

I loved it so much I skipped out of studio and raced home to watch the recording. My desire to reach and teach large audiences hit me full force! This is what I want to do! Not only did I do okay, they invited me back three more times and referred me to another local show as well!

And even though I felt the same horrific fear each time, I did it anyway!

Recently, I’ve been thinking about measures I need to take to expand my business. I was thinking about how the change required is going to take some risk. This change felt extra risky to me because I had made this same change years ago and it backfired in a big way.

But somewhere deep inside I knew this was the next best step. I also knew the thought, “this is risky” is a thought, nothing more. It is no sign of how my future will play out. It has no power over me. I also know, when I align myself with my intuition, my center and my truth everything always works out.

I also reminded myself my situation is not the same as it was the first time. The circumstances are completely different.

For example, let’s say you were cheated on in a past relationship. You were devastated and heartbroken. Then a new relationship opportunity comes along and you think, “Oh, heck no! I will never do that again because I don’t want to get cheated on again.”

My questions to you would be:

Do you know that thought is true?

Can you absolutely know it is true?

Because it happened in your history does that mean it’s going to happen in your future?

Are you closing off your life?

Are you shutting down because of a thought?

Would you be willing to take a chance if you didn’t believe that thought?

Friends, I’ve been scared. I’ve been petrified. I’ve been anxious, depressed and frozen. I believed things would never get better – that this is what life dealt me and I am basically screwed. My fearful thoughts begot more fearful thoughts creating a dreadful cycle of doom.

But I found a way out. I transcended the doom by realizing those fearful thoughts were not true. Yes, I was dealt a dreadful situation, but it did not dictate my future. I realized that I have the power (as do you) to respond to any situation from a place of fear or a place of inspiration. The choice is mine and the choice yours.

To achieve the life of our dreams, to reach those places we’re craving to reach, we must be willing to transcend our fear. We must be willing to question our fearful thoughts, reveal the truth and be willing to move through them.

Here are four powerful questions to ask yourself:

Am I allowing fear to guide me?

Am I missing out of a great opportunity because I’m afraid?

Do I want to stay imprisoned by my fearful thoughts?

The reason we are not getting what we want out of life is we believe the fearful thoughts standing in our way. We are sabotaging our own greatness, our own fun, our own passions. It’s up to us to ask ourselves: Do I want this or am I going to let another opportunity pass me by?

No person is any greater or more deserving than anyone else. We all have the same capacity for greatness. We are all divinely wired and inspired to live a full life! The difference between us is some people are willing to transcend fear and act while others are not.

Can you guys feel how much I want you to get this message?!

I know you can achieve anything you want!

I invite you today to think about a place in your life where you are holding back out of fear. Whatever the fear may be. The fear of failure? The fear of disapproval? The fear of being disliked?

Whatever fear you come up with, question it.

Question it!

Is it worth giving up the things you crave because of a thought?

Let’s live a no regrets life, friends. Let’s live knowing we ran a good race. We gave it our all. And we did not let fear stand in our way.

Here’s to feeling the fear and doing it anyway!

Check out my podcast episode On Taking Risks (iTunes Link) Don’t forget to leave an iTunes Review!

 

Chronic Hair Loss in Women May Be Anxiety Related

hair-loss

I have blissfully spent the last 27 years as a hairstylist. I even dropped out of college to embrace my passion. However, this post is not about my career choices, it’s about the common denominator I have discovered among my female clientele who experience chronic hair loss for no known medical reason.

And boy, oh boy, they are always shocked at the remedy I have for them.

I am not a doctor nor do I ascribe to be. (Always consult a medical professional if you are experiencing changes in your body) However, I am a tried and true researcher in my field. I was born fascinated with psychology and the human experience. By nature, I ask a lot of questions and I have come to see many connections/patterns emerge with common struggles that people have over my almost three decades working closely with the public.

What I am about to share is a fascinating tidbit I discovered along my path regarding random chronic hair loss among women, and it is something your own hairdresser may not even know.

For those of you who have experienced random chronic hair loss or patchy balding (alopecia areata) and have undergone extensive testing with your doctor (For example but not limited to: thyroid, adrenals and hormones) and the results were normal, I venture to say you might be suffering from chronic anxiety.

Chronic anxiety is running rampant in our society these days and many people are darn good at hiding it to the world. However, your intense desire to maintain an acceptable facade to the outside world could be causing you great internal distress.

Ladies, your hair may be telling the story you are not.

The sad part is many people are too ashamed to admit what is truly going on inside of them and their lives. They are embarrassed to admit they are scared, anxious, fearful and/or their life is imperfect. They would prefer something biological being the problem than something emotional so they can continue to ignore and hide their shameful places.

When my clients come to me depressed and afraid because they are experiencing random chronic hair loss, I question them thoroughly about their medical testing first. When it appears that “everything is normal”, I delve into what is going on in their personal lives and how they are handling it (their emotional processing system).  Across the board without fail, female clients dealing with random chronic hair loss are struggling (often secretly) with large amounts of stress and anxiety.

The cause is not something physiological, it is emotional.

But here’s the good news, my stressed-out sisters, there is a tried and true remedy to help restore your body and emotions to homeostasis and stop your hair from falling out. It is easy, highly effective and does not cost a cent!

Express your emotions, fears and worries in a healthy way

  • Meditate daily
  • Create and maintain healthy boundaries
  • Exercise

Ladies, ladies, ladies, your body is desperately trying to get your attention. Your hair loss is only a symptom of a greater problem… chronic anxiety. And your chronic anxiety is only the symptom of an even greater problem yet… your lack of self-care.

The remedy is to make yourself a priority and take care of you.

Give yourself permission to be scared, anxious, fearful and imperfect and to speak it out loud! I promise you are not the only one dealing with spousal, child, work or money issues. In fact, I bet if you start to share your struggle, others would be willing to share theirs with you. You would soon discover you are not alone.

samegame

Check in with these four anxiety causing areas:

Do I hide my thoughts and emotions?

 Do I withhold truth to keep the peace?

 Do I tread lightly not to offend or to avoid confrontation?

 Do I feel as though I have to do it all?

 If you answered yes to these questions, there is a huge disconnect between your mind, body and spirit. It’s time to admit you are about to lose it and you need help. Running yourself into the ground is not going to help yourself or those you love.

You can start by taking a deep breath and saying these words out loud until you feel the truth of them:

I cannot do it all. It is okay to ask for help. My worth is not determined by being perfect.  

You may be fooling the outside world, but you can never fool your inside world.

To all of you trying to be perfect to deem yourself worthy of love, it’s time to stop. Living within the constructs of unworthiness will inevitably show up negatively in your life in some capacity.

allareimperfect

Nothing “out there” is ever going to make you feel accepted and loved other than your own self-acceptance and love.

And here’s how that looks:

  • Honor your feelings
  • Speak your truth
  • Set healthy boundaries
  • Tell people how you feel
  • Be authentic in word and deed
  • Give authentic Yes’s and No’s
  • Give yourself mental breaks (meditation)
  • Calm your heart (deep breathe)
  • Soothe your body (exercise, massage, baths, healthy food)
  • Speak loving, grace-filled words to and about self

Your worth has never been about how perfect you are and it never will be. God doesn’t make mistakes and you were not his first.

It’s time to stop hiding your truth and honor all of who you are. Stand up and say, “I need help right now and it’s okay!” Open your heart, use your voice and know there are better ways to deal with stress. The world is full of great wisdom and healing.

Go find it!

Always consult a medical professional if you are experiencing physical or emotional changes in your body.

[DISPLAY_ULTIMATE_SOCIAL_ICONS]

Apology Letter to Myself


Dear Sweet Self:

I owe you my deepest apology. I allowed people to treat you as if you didn’t matter. I did not stop people from emotionally and physically abusing you. I ignored your pleas to be heard. Instead I kept seeking love outside of you and kept you in situations where you should have held your head high and walked out.

I didn’t believe there was better love out there. I believed whatever situation you were in was as good as it would get. I know better now.

I am deeply sorry for putting you through the hell of trying to make you into someone you are not. I could feel you urging me to stop, but I just couldn’t. I didn’t want people to disapprove of your silliness, intelligence, inner beauty and shyness, so I kept you small and hidden. I wanted you to blend in with the crowd so you wouldn’t be made fun of. I’m sorry I dishonored your heart and true essence.

I’m sorry I disrespected your emotions. I only allowed you to feel anger instead of the rainbow of emotions we humans are intended to feel. Emotions that would allow others to help you when you needed it.

I’m sorry I compromised your spirit by making you feel powerless to the world. I could feel there was so much more to you, but I was afraid to let the world see who you really are.

I’m sorry I disrespected your body. You clearly expressed your dislike of alcohol and I didn’t listen because I didn’t want you to stand out. I also gave away the sacredness of your body to men who didn’t deserve it. For this I am eternally sorry. I did not understand how precious you really are.

I’m truly sorry I compromised your value by failing to uphold healthy boundaries. I let others walk all over you. I let them hurt you and treat you as if you were nothing. You never ever deserved it. It was only a reflection of how little I regarded your worth.

Sweet self, I promise you, I will always, always do my best to protect and love you. You are my priority now. Thank you for unconditionally loving me and forgiving me before I even asked.
I want you to know I’m in charge now and everything is going to be okay! I have been reborn. I get it now! From this point forward you are my priority.

I love you.

Kristen