Category: Relationships

How to Break Unhealthy Relationship Patterns For Good!

How to Break Unhealthy Relationship Patterns For Good

The Sweet Empowerment Podcast

Episode #51  Show Notes

Link to Show

 

Are you tired of relationships not working out? Perhaps being cheated on, abandoned, disrespected or not being a priority?

 

In this episode, I’m going to share why our unhealthy relationship patterns persist and what we can do to break them once and for all.

 

How we think about ourselves and treat ourselves is what is reflected back to us in our relationships. Where we were hoping our person would fill the holes in our heart, we are left with even more when the relationship breaks.

 

If we don’t see our value, our person won’t see our value either.

 

Then we blame them for treating us badly and we try to change them.

 

Which never works.

 

So, we become frustrated upset and build up resentment. A chasm is inserted and eventually the relationship breaks. Or at the very least we stay in an unhappy, unfulfilling relationship.

 

All because we tried to change them, instead of changing ourselves. We tried to make them value us instead of us valuing ourselves.

 

Remember, how we think about and treat ourselves is what is reflected back to us.

 

The only true power we have in relationships and life is loving ourselves so much, we are willing to speak our truth, set boundaries and walk away if necessary.

 

It’s the defining moment. The moment we see whether our partner values the relationship enough to do the necessary work or not.

 

And whether they do or not, has nothing to do with your worth! No one has the power to determine our worth. That was determined by God, long before we even came here.

 

Their choice to grow will only depend on how motivated our boundaries make them combined with their level of humility and willingness to take responsibility for their behavior.

 

Are they blamers? Are they arrogant, spoiled and entitled? Are they willing to own their stuff?

 

Are they emotionally weak, emotionally immature and/or childish?

 

Or are they humble and willing to see truth and act on it?

 

Are they fearful of losing of you or willing to cash you in for someone who doesn’t challenge them to grow? Some people are just that stuck and it has nothing to do with you!

 

YOU did not create this.

 

You might ask yourself… If they are not fearful of losing the relationship and willing to cash you in, is this the type of person you want as your lifer? Is this someone who would make you a priority and be there for you no matter what?

 

I’ve had my share of lopsided relationships. Not once, but several times. In fact, it’s why I now teach what I teach. I learned how to break the pattern so I could attract and maintain a mutually loving and respectful relationship.

 

I learned that by setting limits, men who didn’t value me or were ready for the caliber of relationship I was, left. It’s never fun when someone leaves you, but in hindsight, I realized it was the best thing they could’ve done for me.

 

Have you ever considered that a person’s rejection is your protection? Yeah, that’s a good one isn’t it?

 

I also learned that the ones who valued me and the relationship, were willing to grow.

 

Here’s the deal, when we begin to see behaviors we don’t like (and this could take some months), it’s important to start setting the precedence of what you require by speaking up and setting and maintaining healthy boundaries if necessary.

 

Iyanla Vanzant says, “People violate you when you don’t have clear boundaries and they run amok!”

 

But setting clear boundaries is next to impossible if we are desperate or needy because we tend to overlook, ignore and deny what we’re seeing.

.

We make excuses for what they do so that we don’t have to push the limits because we’re deathly afraid of losing them.

 

But the problem is, we don’t weed out people who are not good for us. People who will not treat us respectfully and honorably. And we end up with people who will continually cause us pain.

 

Who wants to live like that?  I sure don’t!

 

When we don’t question behavior and/or set limits when we start to see questionable or unacceptable behavior, we teach them their behavior is OK. I say when we “start” to see the behavior because many people wait to long.

 

And that’s on us, my friends, because we are responsible for how we let others treat us. It’s time to speak up!

 

Otherwise, their poor treatment eventually eats at us over time and we become attacking, blaming, angry and resentful or the contrary of distant, shut down, detached and uncommunicative.

 

When we wait too long, our person is not motivated to change. Because they’ve been getting away with it for so long. Have you ever had someone “change” for a week or two then go right back into the same crap? That’s because there was no motivation for long-term healing. They adjusted for a minute most likely to shut us up, but there was no real motivation for long-term healing because they know we’re not going anywhere.

 

Another point is we’ve also not deemed ourselves as valuable so we are often taken for granted or not made a priority. We don’t matter to ourselves, so why should we matter to another person?

 

To be honest, being a pushover is not an attractive quality either. In truth, it’s often seen as boring and weak.

 

So, let’s back up to when we are initially faced with bad treatment and behaviors.

 

Know that THIS is the magical opportunity to teach our person how to treat us by communicating what is okay and what is not. Learning to speak up from the start is how we demonstrate our value and teach others what’s required to be with us. It’s how we sort through who has the potential be an ideal partner and who does not.

 

At that point, if the person is open to personal growth and has deemed you/relationship valuable, the person will adjust his/her behavior in order to keep the relationship. Remember, any change or morphing based in love, respect, honor, ethics, morals or values, is always good thing!

 

So please know, your boundary is aiding your person in their spiritual development and growth. It is truly a win-win situation for both parties.

 

Keep in mind, we are not asking someone to change the essence of who they are or their unique individuality. In fact, we are not asking for change at all.

 

We are simply demonstrating that we will not stick around for crap behavior. If our boundary motivates them to heal or grow, then beautiful! If not, we can exit the relationship without deeper investment. Because we all know once we get further invested with sex, finances, children, property and in-laws, it becomes even more difficult to exit when necessary.

___________________________________

 

Unfortunately, there are millions of people who get caught in the excitement that someone might “complete” them and ignore potential warning signs.

 

So, what stops us from speaking up and setting and maintaining healthy boundaries?

 

We are unable and unwilling to set boundaries and speak up for ourselves when we are desperate for a relationship. And why are we desperate?

 

Because we think there is no one out there for us or this is our last chance.

 

We may also think I can’t get better than him/her or time is running out. Or maybe you think there’s something wrong with you because you are single, short, tall, old, young, black, white or rainbow. There’s many, many reasons we compromise our sacred self.

 

The bottom, bottom line is we want someone to love and accept us so we can feel better about ourselves.

 

Because deep down we don’t feel like we are enough. Since we don’t believe who we are, we believe someone or something outside of ourselves will make us feel enough.

 

Which is flawed thinking because that job is ours and ours alone.

 

Furthermore, when we enter any relationship with an energy of desperation, we are weak. We are so dependent for the relationship, we will not challenge our person’s bad behavior the way we should. Because there’s a possibility our person will leave us.

 

This is NOT gender specific by any means. This is true in males as well as females.

 

This desperation also masquerades as love because it feels powerful. It feels addicting and like we can’t live without the other person.

 

And calling it love gives us an excuse to stay. Because saying I am staying for love sounds more acceptable than I am staying because I am desperate and afraid.

 

But when we get radically honest and sort through our patterns, we clearly see the root of all we do and do not do in relationships is based on our level of self- worth.

 

The level to which we matter to ourselves is directly proportional to how willing we are to challenge poor behavior from others.

 

Let me say that again…

 

The level to which we matter to ourselves is directly proportional to how willing we are to challenge poor behavior form others.

 

It’s also a clear indicator how likely we will attract, create and maintain a reciprocally loving and respectful relationship.

 

Hence, the one true antidote to bad relationships is, “Clean up your self-worth, clean up your life!”

 

If you’re interested in the work I did to heal my self-worth and reclaim my personal power, you can buy my book HERE.

 

Or if you’d like to dive deeper, you can contact me for specialized coaching to help you reveal and heal your unhealthy relationship patterns.

 

I’m interested in specialized coaching.

 

It’s always good to speak and hear truth. I hope this episode landed in your heart in a way that sparks hope and inspires you to reclaim your personal power so you can end your dysfunctional relationship patterns for good!

 

 

 

How to Open Your Guarded Heart

The Sweet Empowerment Podcast Episode #48 show notes.

 Listen to Episode #48 on SoundCloud Here or on iTunes Here. 

 

Recognize your guarded heart – Own it. But don’t judge it. Recognize where your guarded heart is causing destruction or difficulties in your relationships and life.

 

Pinpoint the moment of lock down – It’s possible you might be open sometimes then close up when certain situations trigger it.

Identifying the moment or the “why” will aim you towards healing.

A person of my past said he would physically swallow anytime an unwanted emotion entered.

 

Change your story about feelings and an open heart – What was unsafe in childhood is often safe in adulthood because we are not at the mercy of superiors adults when we become an adult.

Use mantras –

I am safe to open my heart. I am in control of who I surround myself by and how I am treated.

 No one will die if I share my feelings – sounds dramatic but often the psyche cannot distinguish emotional fear from physical fear – it fears death. Soothe the fear.

 

Practice gratitude – Gratitude does wonders! It releases fear, promotes mindfulness, focuses on the positives in our life, centers us and balances emotions. Practice at least once a day for 5 full minutes. While driving, showering, eating breakfast, at night before sleep.

Become childlike – Lighten the heck up! Guarded hearts are often, but not always, serious and stoic. Counteract seriousness by acting silly! Sing, dance, talk in funny voice, make faces, play games, play in grass or dirt, examine it, be curious.

 

Heal old wounds – If you have trauma in your background, seek help. Find a conscious therapist or coach to work with you. Your best life is on the other side of your healing.

 

Forgive people whose behavior caused you to close your heart. If you’re not yet capable – that’s okay – at least be willing. Tell God you are “willing” to forgive. God can do for us what we are not capable of doing for ourselves.

 

Meditate! – I believe meditation is the great emotional cure all! Everyone should meditate as much as possible. Even if only 1 minute a day. It clears your mind and helps to break dysfunctional patterns by changing the chemistry of our brain. For more about this, check out Dr. Joe Dispenza.

Great ap called 10% Happier. I highly suggest you download it. Great blogs and short meditations for free!

*I receive no dividends from either Dr. Joe or 10% Happier. I simply love sharing great things with you!

 

Practice disclosing/sharing intimate details about self – Operative word here “practice”. As with any healing, it takes time. Start by sharing something small about yourself, work your way up to something bigger. As Brene’ Brown says, “Share your story with someone who has earned the right to hear it.” That means with someone who you believe has your back and your highest good at heart.

 

Cry – Yes, please cry. It releases built up emotion. It also releases endorphins that make us feel good. If you’re unable to cry for you, cry for another by watching a sad movie. Get the ball rolling. And don’t stop until you feel satisfied.

 

Physically touch others – Initiate a hug. Touch people’s arms when you’re talking. Give loved ones random back caresses or play with their hair. Start small and move up. When you see you are safe, you will retrain your brain that physical touch is not only okay, it feels amazing.

 

Be gentle with yourself while in process – There is nothing tragically wrong with you. You are not fatally flawed. Everyone has their shiz to work on. This just happens to be yours. It’s okay. YOU are okay!

10 Things to Remember About Fighting Fairly 

 Podcast Episode #28 Show Notes

Listen on iTunes

Listen on SoundCloud 

or read the notes below!


It’s so beautiful to witness couples willing to break old habits and adopt new behaviors that support the relationship.

Whether you’ve been with your partner for 6 months or 30 years, the 10 principals below can shift the way you work through your issues in a respectful, faster and supportive way.

Even if you’re the only half of the relationship reading this blog, I’m positive you will walk away with some tidbit that you can put into action immediately. Never underestimate the power of being the only half to work on healing.

Your contribution may be all it takes to shift the dynamic of your arguments for good!

Seek to understand

Listen with an open heart. A huge issue within arguments is people not listening to understand the other person. Instead, they listen to rebut, defend or win. Opening our heart and mind allows for deep understanding and compassion of the other person’s experience. Agree ahead of time to take turns. Give your partner the respect of hearing them out even if you don’t initially agree with them. And expect the same in return.

Speak Truth and Hear Truth –

No one is a mind reader. Hinting, beating around the bush and not speaking up are not resolution behaviors. Keeping someone confused and/or guessing only confuses the situation more.

Be willing to share your observations, opinions, ideas, needs, feelings, forward movements etc. You are part of the equation and your part matters.

Secondly, we must be willing to hear the truth. There is no healing/resolution/forward movement if we deny what’s true – whether it’s our stuff to own or the facts of a situation.

Admitting the truth does not make you bad, wrong or unworthy. It makes you a responsible adult doing your part to build a healthy relationship.

Stick to Facts –

Its’ amazing what kind of mud gets slung when people are disagreeing. Sticking to the facts keeps the situation very clear and on task. Do your best to not get pulled into your person’s detouring, deflecting or projecting. Stick to facts only. Keep in mind “opinions” are not necessarily facts.

Facts are things like:

I saw the text on your phone

You said ____ blank to me.

I didn’t hear from you for 3 days.

You said you would and didn’t follow through.

Facts only.

Don’t interrupt –

Interrupting happens because (a) we don’t like what we are hearing or they have it all wrong or (b) we are afraid we will forget the point we want to make. Interrupting is disrespectful and rude. It is not a resolution behavior. You will get your chance to speak.

Secondly, (for the non-stop talkers) don’t go on and on and on because you will lose your listener. I promise you. When you continue to beat a point, they will zone out on something else because you are repeating yourself. Keep to a paragraph or two and let your partner respond.

Humility is Automatic Cease Fire! –

This is SO important. When you see the light go on in your partner’s eyes, the moment of A-Ha, or when they take ownership of their wrong… Stop. Right. There.

Your point has been taken and understood. More importantly, do not shame them when they finally take responsibility. It’s not easy for some people to take responsibility. Shaming them for their ownership will work against you in future disagreement. They will see the negative effect of what taking responsibility does and they will stop doing it. We don’t want that.

Now that doesn’t mean they’re immediately off the hook with a weak apology. That’s not what I’m saying. It means tune into your partner. Use your spidey senses. You will be able to see and feel when they finally “get it”.

When you or your partner takes full responsibility and apologizes, that’s a conversation shifter. At this point, the next step is resolution planning.

How can you/me catch ourselves from making this same mistake in the future?

No Name Calling/Degrading/Low Blows –

I would hope I wouldn’t have to state the obvious, but let’s face it, when things get hot, sometimes sh*t starts flying. I get it because I’ve been there too and it’s never helped a situation.

Name calling/demeaning/low blows is often a design of the ego to break someone down by attacking who they are. It is aimed at “winning” not at healthy resolution.

Any of the above can quickly override the initial issue because they often hurt far more than the initial offense. Now there are two issues that need tending.

There’s far better words to use to make a point than name calling, degrading and low blows.

Tone Matters –

We have the power to deliver a message with judgment and condemnation or with kindness and love. That doesn’t mean we have to whisper to our person. It means we check in with our hearts and motives FIRST and align ourselves with the intent to heal not to harm.

When we are in touch with delivering a message for healing, it comes out much better than when we deliver a message to hurt.

This doesn’t mean your honest, well-toned message won’t necessarily hurt. The truth hurts sometimes. What it does mean is you will do your part to stay within your higher self and integrity.

Your business is how you speak. Their business is how they respond.

Take a Time-out –

It’s is 100% okay to call a time-out if the situation is getting out of hand. Let your partner know you need a break, tell them where you’re going, what you’re doing and when you’ll be back. Make a plan to revisit the conversation when you are clearer.

And stick to it.

This is about respect and a commitment to resolution.

It’s not cool to walk out leaving things incomplete. That’s called emotional abandonment.

Your person cannot trust you if you continually ignore issues, brush them away or abandon conversations.

Healthy relationships require a solid foundation of trust. You have the right to take a break and it’s also your responsibility to revisit the conversation.

Commitment to healing –

Make a commitment with your partner that your intention for the conversation is to draw you both closer. Let them know it’s the behavior or situation you don’t love, not them.  Arguments can frighten people. Your person may view them as an indicator you don’t love them or you’re going to leave them. Be willing to say I Love You within an argument to ease your partner’s fear.

Provide a safe space –

Be willing to give your partner sacred space to share their truth without judgment. Allow them to have their own experience and opinion of the situation. Be vulnerable and open with your heart so your partner feels safe being vulnerable and open with theirs. Cultivate a “no topic off limits” culture within your home and relationship.

Miracles happen when we make the shift from fear to love, from lower self to higher self and from winning to grinning!

I believe in you all so much! 

Much Love,

KB

What Your Man Really Needs From You

We hear a lot of talk about oppressed women, but do we hear much about repressed men? Quite frankly, I never have. At least not in the way I’m about to explain.

As a life coach and hairstylist for 28 years, I have had my share of personal conversations with men. I have also had countless conversations with women. I’ve always been fascinated with relationships and human nature and have compiled a large amount of organic data through both my careers and personal relationships.

The one thing I have seen repeatedly is what I call “The Knight in Shining Armor Syndrome.” This syndrome is comprised of women thinking a man is going to fill all the gaps in her heart. He will ride into her life atop his steed, emotionally healthy and always doing the right thing. He will be complete and whole in his emotional body and deliver her from all the evils of the world.

It’s about time someone advocates for the men out there because quite frankly, this has gotten way out of control.

Somehow through the passage of time and in addition to television, movies and fairy tale stories, a “good” man has been stigmatized to have to be darn near close to perfection. Women have gotten the insane notion that this God-like human is going to sweep into their lives and rescue them from all the bad men who came before them and heal their insecurities. 

He’ll know just what to say and just how to do it. He will build me a beautiful house, buy me pretty gifts, let me cry on his shoulder, put his jacket over rain puddles, brush my hair and always, always make me feel special.

What a tremendous amount of pressure to put on a person. No wonder so many men are afraid of commitment. I would be too.

Today I am going to bat for the repressed man — the human who’s not allowed to feel. The boys behind the brawn.

The boys who had their heart broken by a parent or were bullied through school. The boys who weren’t allowed to share their emotional pain or given tools to heal their hearts. The boys who repressed their feelings not to feel ashamed, unmasculine, weak or unworthy.

I know men who have gone through all types of painful backgrounds and dysfunctional relationships and here’s the whopper…

Are you ready for it?

Men feel deeply.

They just don’t show it.

We do our men a grave disservice when we attach a persona to them they cannot possibly live up to and then feel let down when OMG he’s not perfect!

Today I’d like to give our men a fighting chance to heal their hearts and their stories. My deep desire is to see men get the emotional support they’ve always deserved. I’d like to see women everywhere treating their men like they wish themselves to be treated. By giving their man the same love and support they desire when they’re afraid, betrayed, confused or in pain.

You see, our men are not given the opportunity to be human. They are not allowed to cry, fail or be weak. I heard a man say to an author at a speaker’s conference, “My wife and daughters would rather see me die than fall off my white horse.”  That broke my heart in more ways than I can say.

In that moment, I decided it’s time for a world view shift. A radical change in perspective regarding the males in our lives

Men suffer painful stories as equally as women; however, they are taught to repress their emotion by the repressed men before them. And the pathology continues. To the men reading this (because I know you are) I ask if you can recall a time you were told to:

Suck it up!

Stop being a pansy!

Man up!

Quit being a baby!

Men don’t cry!

I bet the farm you have. In fact, I imagine it’s a high percentage of you.  You are in good company.

If men were “allowed” to openly discuss their pain, the shame attached to feeling emotion would decrease immensely!

Ladies, it is time for us to stop this madness not only for our partners and the state of our relationships, but for the children we’re raising. It’s time for us to shift the outdated perception of:

Man = Invincible

to

Man = Human Being

Unhealed wounds is the number one cause of divorce. Behind any disempowered behavior is an unhealed wound. This is not a gender specific issue; this is a human being issue.  As the sacred feminine, we have the power to help our men heal their wounds and teach our sons a new way of being in the world.

Your man’s heart is as big as yours. He loves as deeply as anyone else and he is hurt just as easily by the words and actions. Just because he isn’t openly displaying it does not mean it’s not there. Bring me any man’s unsavory behavior and I will find the unhealed wound behind it.

I was recently read this quote on a yoga studio wall:

“The role of every woman is to birth the God in every man”.   Sigh…

That quote was my inspiration to write this article.

What I hear in these words is that a loving, good woman has the capacity to serve as the gateway to a man’s healing if she chooses to see him as imperfect and fallible, but lovable nonetheless. We must understand that men are not put into our lives to save us. As a couple, we are put into one another’s lives to save each other!

A Course in Miracles speaks of the difference between a Holy Relationship and a special relationship. The Holy Relationship is one where both parties equally show up to help one another heal their fears and pain while supporting their growth opportunities and potential. A special relationship is based on ego: what we can “get” from our partner. The special relationship says, “What can I get from you?” not “What can I give to you?”

It has been said, “Behind every great man is a great woman.” This does not mean a man cannot achieve success by himself. What is does mean is men (and women) achieve far greater success and achievement when they are supported by a loving, compassionate partner.

Like any human being on this planet, we all need a soft place to fall. As depicted in movies like Braveheart and 300, the “hero” had a strong, loving woman supporting him who allowed him to break down and cry on her breast. She didn’t judge him, she supported him. She stepped up to meet his heart and offered her love.

Ladies, the truth is this, men are not going to say, “Hold me” Or “I just need a good cry.” They need us to read between the lines and have compassion for their situation or story. They need us to offer the security of our unconditional love. Your man does not need more negativity, shame or stigmas attached to him. He needs your kindness, love, security and tenderness.

Love heals all wounds. Ego, fear, control and manipulation perpetuates them.

The next time you feel compelled to attach a perceived persona to your man and then feel disappointed when he falls short, ask yourself this: How can I better support him right now?

Don’t be discouraged if your new course of action doesn’t work right away. If you have a backstory of non-support, he most likely won’t trust your motive. Instead learn to see the soul inside your man. Learn to understand his hidden emotions and act from this new perspective. Teach him that you are trustworthy of holding his innermost feelings and fears sacred. Provide a solid place for him to open his heart.

He may try to push you away, tell you he’s fine or he doesn’t need your help, but I implore you to keep on. After all you are dealing with an ingrained societal norm that won’t be dispelled easily.

This doesn’t mean become pushy or smothering. It means teach him over time that you have his back. That he can trust you like no other person on this planet. That you see both his strengths and his weaknesses and love him just the same.

What Does Broadcasting Love Mean?

Awhile back I answered an email regarding what it means to "broadcast love". Usually when one person asks a question, there are others wondering the same thing. So I decided to share my reply. I have removed the person's name for privacy purposes.

Hello,
Learning to broadcast love by being a conduit of light is the most effective method available when dealing with difficult relationship situations.

When we are in difficult situations where emotions are high, most often our ego or lower self steps up in attempt to "get power back".

This is only a distraction and never works for true resolution because Love is the only reality. When we come from a place of Love (meaning any word or behavior rooted in Source Energy) we act from Truth and actually steer situations to better outcomes/results.

I used to say, "Why is it I always take the high road and I don't get to see results?!" That was my ego wanting revenge, to be right, or to see someone's karma returned. The problem is we don't always get to see the results quickly or if at all.

When we "broadcast" love, true healing begins even if we can't see it right away. There is an energetic shift we are often not privy to. Stuff happens behind the scenes we are not privy to. And people start to grow in ways we are not privy to.

In some instances I never got to see the results, but in other situations I have. One time it took 10 years for a person to own their shit and in another instance it took the person 10 seconds.

Only the ego wants to see results quickly. Our soul does not. Our soul is only concerned with how WE show up to the situation.

By connecting with Source, we position ourselves to live a better life. And when a person comes from a place of Light, it often illuminates the way for others as well!

Just to be clear, rooting ourselves in Love does not mean we bow down. It means we come from a space of Love whether it's speaking more calmly, being more compassionate, setting a healthy boundary or removing yourself from the situation. Either way, we pray for an outcome that is best for all concerned.

When we seek to come from our Highest Self and learn to detach from outcome, radical shifts in healing and personal evolution ensues. When Love is the essence we exude, healing is the result. We just don't get to choose how or when that will happen.

At first it may seem difficult to choose Higher Self over control, winning or the need to be right (ego), but I assure you over time you will begin to see the results and think...

"Wow, it really is that simple..".