Category: Higher Self vs. Lower Self

The Point of Receiving

I’m sure you’ve all encountered a relationship situation where your person has finally owned up to his/her wrongs and apologized. It may even have been quite humble and very heart-centered; however, you simply were not at the point of receiving because the pain inflicted needed to run its course in order for you to be open to your person’s apology.

Just because someone finally sees his/her error, doesn’t always mean we have reached the point of returning to center. What mostly determines this is how often the offense has been committed and what came from the previous times. When we are repeatedly faced with the same disrespect or lack of compassion, care or respect, it can get more difficult to return to status quo because our limits are being reached and our patience is running out.

It’s important for both parties to know that sometimes the “offended” might need a minute. Not only is the “offender” learning in this situation, but the “offended” is learning too. Spiritual growth often takes processing time. All situations are designed for us to grow and learn from. What that looks like from person to person and situation to situation can vary greatly. Our job as an empowered (worthy) person is to take the time needed to feel our way through while staying connected to Source so we can come out of the situation better for having experienced it.

Relationships are so important and so incredibly relevant on our spiritual path of evolution. They are designed to show us ourselves. If we did not have them, we wouldn’t have the mirror so needed to reflect back our ways – good and not-so-good. How we handle and transcend what comes about is paramount to our personal growth, future empowerment and success of our relationships.

I’m not saying we have permission to hold grudges and stand in stubborn attitude.

I’m saying that giving yourself permission to return to center organically through process and connection is okay. This is about honoring your sacred self. If you are still hurting and can’t quite seem to meet your person at their apology (yet), you are only doing what is necessary to heal and return to the relationship whole. Returning as “half” isn’t going to cut it in the long-term. It would be like taking a short-cut that leads you in a circle.

With a deep understanding of this process by both parties, relationships can overcome some serious disconnection.

It’s all about respect and compassion for where your person is at.

I’m always so inspired and humbled when another accounts for his/her wrong doings. I see the Spirit in my beloved seeking higher, wanting more and desiring to overcome his/her fears and choosing differently next time. And even still sometimes it takes me a bit to process through my own emotions regarding the situation. The same goes when it’s the other way around. If I have offended and owned, I allow my person to return to his/her center on their own time as well. I do my best to give them the space and time needed to work through the emotion all the while trusting in the love between us.

Relationship offenses happen. They just happen. It does not mean our person is beyond redemption (nor are we), nor does it mean the world is going to end. It means we have come together in this relationship/situation as a means to evolve our sacred self to a higher level.

Standing in complete self-worth during these historic moments is a prime way to show our person that we love ourselves enough to not condone someone who does not honor us. When we are strong enough to say “enough”, we open the door for our beloveds to see their own darkness, their own fears and their own disconnection from Source as well.

A truly humble person standing in full responsibility understands this. He/she knows that trust was broken, pain was inflicted and time is needed. If your person attempts to manipulate or bully you into instant acceptance, there is most likely an alternate motive behind his/her apology. If this is true, it’s not your job to make him/her take ownership. It’s your job to stand in your self-worth and take care of you first no matter what. Your well-being is your responsibility and by making good choices rooted in your worth, most often your beloveds will see their error and make their amends.

Your thoughts?

6 Steps To Discover What’s Really Bothering You

Yesterday I was feeling angst. I didn’t know why, I couldn’t explain it, I just knew it was there. When I had a moment to have a conversation with a good friend, I started right smack in the middle. “I’m feeling grrrr today and I don’t know why. Have you noticed I’m off my game?” She agreed without judgment and asked me to explain further so I did.

As I recalled events of the previous few days, I was able to locate the cause of the grrrr and I could feel myself wanting to blame someone. However, knowing what I know, we blame when we are attempting to give away our power by putting the focus on another. Even though my ego was fighting me hard, I consciously knew it wasn’t the other person’s fault and there was something inside of me that needed my attention.

As we talked, I began to uncover the trigger my loved one had touched. A-ha! There it is… I was then able to discover the root belief/fear that was causing all the chaos and with even more certainty, I knew my person had really done nothing wrong. All this emotional chaos was about me.

Years ago when I went through “My Tsunami”, I was left fairly destitute. I say fairly because fortunately for me, I had family who swept us up and loved us back to healing. However, the foundation rocking that occurred had left a deep wound. My life has completely turned around; however, the wound has not been fully healed. My loved one’s fear had reopened my wound and unbeknownst to me, I was floating around in the unconscious space of fear, insecurity and lack once again. My wound had been touched and I was allowing it take over my well-being and emotions.

My fear had manifested as frustration and anger as it often does for us. Being a person who resonates centeredness the majority of the time, I recognized my grrrrr as unusual and fought my finger-pointing-blaming ego so I could take the steps to locate the cause and hopefully feel better!

As all empowerment work, it is our duty to keep close tabs on ourselves by recognizing our dis-ease and doing what it takes to move through it. In Chapter 5 of my book, From Doormat to Sweet Empowerment, I discuss the importance of Building A Supportive Community and this story exemplifies this perfectly.

In order to discover/uncover what is subconsciously bothering you, follow the outline below.

6 Steps to Discover the Cause of Angst:

  1. Recognize your angst! Give yourself grace and space to feel off-center. Be willing to own your mood and know there is a root thought causing the problem.

 

  1. Take it to a mighty companion. If you cannot seem to locate the root of your mood, be willing to ask for help. Talk therapy with someone who knows you and your story can speed up the discovery.

 

  1. Sit with the discovery. Revel in the miracle of discovery. Allow yourself to truly feel and understand why you were triggered. Let it sink in.

 

  1. Turn your fear around. Find statements that support your healing. As in: This belief is simply not true. I am grateful I was shown this wound so I can heal it further. Amplify your discovery with three or more additional, postitive statements as to why your fear is not true.

 

  1. Take ownership of your healing. Be willing to own anything you wrongfully said to your triggering person in attempt to blame outwardly. Share your discovery – give your person a glimpse into your soul. Most often we will find our discovery becomes healing ground for both parties.

 

  1. Return to joy. Believe in your turn around statements. Allow your joy to return. You’ve done well!

Oftentimes in life, we don’t take the time to pay attention to ourselves. We allow ourselves to move from one mood to the next without much recognition and continually complain or point outward, thus, never moving through what is really causing all the upheaval. And unfortunately, a large piece of the world operates this way so it’s not often someone will stop us and say, “Hey, what’s going on with you? I’m sensing you’re not yourself, do you need some help?”

When we surround ourselves with truth seekers, healers and awareness chasers, we position ourselves for victory. We no longer have band-wagoners (people who agree with us no matter what) as friends. We have mighty companions who care about our well-being as much as their own.  They are beloved souls who are willing to sit in the bog with us as we wade through the muck and uncover/discover the truth all the while loving (not judging) us through it.

Your community matters. YOU matter.

Thank you, Lisa, for being my safe place yesterday. I appreciate and love you.

Stubbornness Is False Empowerment

I used to observe the stubborn people around me and wonder why on earth they felt the need to take a stand over something so minute or something that clearly wasn’t going to serve anyone’s highest good. I observed it. I studied it. I went within. I took it to God. Then I realized that stubbornness is often born to those who feel powerless in life. Somewhere along the line they learned that the only way to be heard, to get what they wanted or to matter was to burrow in so deep they were unmovable. To the stubborn one this may (for a moment) feel like strength; however, soon thereafter a piece of them will feel silly for their narrow views and bratty behavior and regret will follow.

We simply do not have to act like petulant children to get what we want out of life. Stubbornness to achieve a well-placed, well-intended goal is great. Stubbornness born out of a need to feel powerful is not. It causes disruption, disharmony and lack of connection. It separates one from another. Believe it or not, it makes “your” vision more important than another’s vision. And if we are really honest with ourselves, when our stubborn stance is challenged by others’ opinions, we may start to see a better way but feel too embarrassed to retract our stand because we’ve made such a fuss. Now we are stuck with the previous choice and the regret that will inevitably follow. The stubborn one has no idea that his cry for empowerment has trumped his true power and all he has successfully proven is how ridiculous he can be.

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How To Release Stubbornness

When we do the work to heal our lack of worthiness (yes, that sneaky devil is behind this) we stop feeling the need to dig in. We become open to options and opinions and actually welcome input from others because worthiness understands we can’t know it all and there may be some great information out there worth listening to. The empowered understands that “personal power” comes from knowledge and wisdom and taking all external information and processing it effectively to make the best choice. There is peace in this process where as stubbornness feels prickly and uncomfortable for all involved.

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Worthiness doesn’t allow us to backdoor our way to power. It naturally exudes strength through active listening, research and exploring options. When we feel and know our worth, we let go of our disjointed behaviors that may be causing disruption where there really needn’t be any and replace them with solid, educated decisions.

I understand that sometimes there is a necessity to hold firm in front of certain people and any sign of perceived “weakness” may be exploited to the point that your opinion goes unnoticed. However, isn’t it better to gather information prior to making your final decision rather than having to backtrack later after you’ve made such a fuss? The latter only proves further that the stance you’ve so vehemently took was for naught. With that, we teach others that our stance is weak and eventually we will be proven ineffective. Our stubbornness eventually becomes a joke to those around us and they eventually lose faith in our decision making capabilities.  In the end, we will get exactly what we were trying to avoid.

Empowerment is allowing yourself time to discover ALL options.

Empowerment means being open to a change of heart.

Empowerment is the giving of kudos to another when they’ve enlightened you to a better way.

Empowerment is taking time to decide your position prior to digging your heels in.

Empowerment is exuding your personal power naturally without bullying tactics or hard lines.

Empowerment is gentle but firm.

Is it time for you to let your stubborn nature go? A change in perception can change your direction right here, right now. The choice is yours.

Your thoughts?

Truth Telling vs. Judgement

Truth tellers are the people in our lives who support us on our journey. They are the ones who truly love us enough to say the hard truths. Hard truths are the parts of ourselves that we are not yet recognizing for ourselves that others on the outside may see more clearly. They are oftentimes the hidden clues that once recognized and acted upon, could heal us of our self-sabotaging behaviors.

For a sensitive person or a recovering doormat, it is oftentimes extremely difficult to hear the truth about our behaviors and choices because it ignites the inner shame we already feel regarding the subject at hand. Our soul and inner guidance has been quietly urging us in the right direction, but we have not yet been courageous enough to follow it. Subconsciously, we know we haven’t treated ourselves well and we feel ashamed for it. When someone points this out to us, we oftentimes want to lash out because the shame becomes unbearable. We already feel bad enough and we misconstrue their words as attack rather than love.

We tend to use excuses as to why our behavior is okay and sometimes those excuses are finger-pointing at the person who is trying to shed light for us. We may excuse their observations as “this person is just judging me” Or “he/she isn’t accepting me as I am.” Or “why is he/she trying to control my life!

Regarding a genuine truth teller, this could not be further from the truth.

It is possible that we do indeed have “judgers” in our lives. I will not disclaim that! Most likely, they are the ones who are dealing with the same weaknesses we are (and are in hiding themselves) so they point at us in attempt to keep the focus off of what they, too, are doing. They are most often the low vibrating individuals in our lives that seek to hide their own lack of self-love by projecting that onto us. It can be a fine line discovering who we are dealing with unless we do some serious introspection.

However, the tragedy happens when we completely discount what is being said to us and we immediately barrel into our excuses with loaded guns of defense. Poor listening and immediately firing shots back at the person, never gets anyone anywhere.

For a person who has truly set course for healing their unworthy behaviors, examining the words spoken to us is crucial. We cannot and should not accept all that is coming our way; however, we should take some time to process the information effectively. During this time, we must stay in touch with what we already know for sure.

Inquiry questions:

  1. What is this person’s character? We know who people are whether we want to admit it or not. As sentient beings, we are privy to far more information than we allow ourselves to admit. A person’s character will tell you if their observation was coming from judgement or coming from love.

 

  1. Does this person function from a high level of awareness? Chances are you’ve had more than one conversation with said person. Does he/she live the words they speak? Is it possible they possess some wisdom that you have not yet learned? Are their words resonating in/for you? Based on past observations, is this someone whom I can trust?

 

  1. Am I hiding from the truth? As human beings we come equipped with a higher-self and a lower-self. We always have the choice to which self we listen to. The lower-self (ego) can oftentimes be the first voice heard. It’s loud, it’s disruptive, it’s disclaiming and it’s obnoxious. After the ego declares its position, it is the quiet, powerful voice afterward that will speak the truth. At this point, we have a decision to make. Do we listen to the truth? Or do we fall back into our distracting, egoic behaviors that we are used to?

Our distracting/egoic behaviors can feel verrrrry comfortable. In essence, we like it here because it is something we know very well. It’s the place where we stay rooted in our same ol’ perceptions and patterns of yesterday and keep repeating the same un-serving behaviors over and over again.

On the same note, truth can feel verrrry UNcomfortable. Oh, God! This means there is something wrong with me! I’m going to have to step outside my comfort zone to make change happen. I don’t like that! I’m going to find reasons why what I am doing is okay. And we keep on keepin’ on with no real change that could literally alter the course of our experience.

But remember, when we are uncomfortable, we are learning.

The truth tellers in our lives are a blessing from the Universe! I know they don’t feel that way when they ignite our egos and challenge us to be and do better; however, only Love would want better for you than what you have been giving yourself.

All great change starts with a change in perception.

And sometimes that new perception will come via a loving, individual who truly cares about your well-being and your life! It’s a choice to keep our hearts open and it is always our choice as to what we believe or not believe. I will never say, listen to all that comes your way. I will say when someone has the courage to speak openly to you, consider their words. Discover for yourself if they resonate in your soul and be courageous enough to do better for yourself.

Always remember… you matter!

Your thoughts?

Consider The Source

You know that person (or several) in your life that no matter what you do or say, he or she always has some negative reply, controlling remark, victim mentality or wants to blame something irrelevant on you?  I’m sure you know exactly what I’m talking about because we all have them. This post is aimed at how to get better results when dealing those types.

You might think off the bat, Oh yay!  She’s going to give me the best comeback!  Or  I’m about to learn what can really put him or her in their place.  I’m sorry to disappoint you, but I’m not going to do that. What I am going to do is share with you how to change your mind in order to change your experience.

Currently, I’ve been coaching a woman about her horrible boss.  When I say horrible, I mean this guy is angry, blaming, controlling and a non-responsibility taker.  Just a plain out jerk.  The woman absolutely loves her job, but has began to develop anxiety/panic about going there because she may be faced with one of his random tirades.  And when she walks in already emotionally compromised, any exchange sets her reeling and she is then unable to perform at her best. The higher ups seem to be doing nothing about him because not enough people have stepped forward and she was at her wits end.

We first had a convo about how we cannot ever change another person.  How the only way to change any relationship is to change OUR side of the equation.  I invited her to begin to view him differently – as a man in pain instead of a blood thirsty villain. A person who has so little self-worth that he always has to point outward because pointing inward just may be his entire demise (or so his ego thinks). We talked about how she was responsible for the energy she brought to the table and the energy of fear and cowering would only perpetuate his bullying behavior.

My client is highly loved by ALL of her supervisors. She has enough people telling her what a good job she’s doing to ensure her position, but somehow Jerk Boss eats away at her worth.  I asked her to check her fear at the door and step into her higher self- the woman who is well-loved and respected at work.  I asked her to begin to view Jerk Boss from a different angle.  We renamed him “Man in Pain”.  I explained how she had to consider the source with every word and deed that came from him.  A person in pain simply cannot be loving and it has nothing to so with us!  One might argue that his behavior is still unacceptable, and I completely agree.  However, there are relationships we encounter that we simply have to put up with for the time being and for her, this was one of them.

When we begin to view others’ uncomely behavior as pain seeping outward, compassion enters the picture.  When compassion enters, we are better able to come from our higher self.  This does not condone what they are doing or saying AND we most definitely need to speak up if we are being wrongly accused or blamed.  What happens is, when our response is centered in love, rather than fear, we begin to lose the disempowered feeling and our responses are more centered, clear and powerful rather than weak, meek and cowering. This small change has the power to shift the dynamics of the relationship considerably if we stay on task and don’t give in to fear.

The only person we can ever change is ourselves and the only way to do this effectively is to come from our highest place.  Remember, any action rooted in love eventually prevails.  Any action rooted in fear (ego) will only perpetuate suffering and strife.

Changing your perception leads to changing your energy which then leads to a change in the dynamic.

And in case you’re wondering, when my client walked into work that day with her new perspective, she had a completely different experience with her boss.  :)