Category: Divine Timing

My Beloved Momma’s Transition

When I returned back to work after taking a week off after my mother transitioned, I was not sure what I was going to encounter. I asked my manager to please not have flowers and cards enveloping my work station. I had already been inundated with sympathy (which is so beautiful), however, it was not allowing me the moments of quiet when I could focus elsewhere. Not only do I know a lot of people, my mother knew a lot of people and the ripple effect kept going and going and going. I couldn’t find quiet. I needed quiet. I needed peace.

My second day back to work, one of my clients, an elderly, Jesuit man, came in. He looked in my eyes with deep love and expressed his sorrow for my loss. He said this, “I’m sorry for the loss of your mother, but I am happy for HER.”   That’s not a message that would sit very well with some people, but for me it was perfect.  I don’t believe he had any idea how he blessed me with his words that day.

You see, I had cringed and shuddered my whole life any time I thought about walking this earth without my mom. We had a very close relationship especially after co-housing for 4 years during and post “tsunami”. I often referred to her as “the best husband I ever had!” In those years, I was able to heal myself and divinely, she was able to heal herself as well. She said to me several times, “I know why you are still here [unable financially to move out yet]…. You’re here to help me set my soul right before I die.”

My mom had dealt with cancer for over ten years. It was a very slow growing cancer and she opted to try many chemo/medical trials as her treatment. Although she did everything with grace, I lived in very close proximity with her “struggle” every day. Even though she constantly told everyone she was fine, I knew better. I watched her with an eagle eye. I couldn’t help it. Every ache, pain, cough, long days in bed, energetic spurts, eating, not eating, hair loss, hair growing back, bruises from needle pokes, hospitalizations, diarrhea blow outs in Walmart (yes, that happened) and appointments, appointments, appointments, I felt deeply inside my heart. Even though she had her husband and oftentimes I was just in observance, she’s my momma, I’m her daughter, and we carried one another.

So often I had to hide the pain that watching her journey caused me, because I knew if she felt for one hot second that she was a burden or causing me pain, she wouldn’t let me in.  It was always the juggle between letting her to know how much I care and showing up bravely so she would feel free to lean on me when needed.

On Sunday February 1st at 6:30 a.m. I received a call from her best friend, Marcie, who was visiting her at the hospital requesting, “Please come quickly.  Mom wants you. She thinks it’s time. They have moved her to ICU.”  Although this was completely out of the blue (she was doing great yesterday!) somehow I knew I had to be brave for her one last time.  I walked into her room with a smile and love written all over me.  I did not have a chance to assess the situation before the doctor inquired about her Living Will.

I almost hit the floor.  Suck it up, Kristen!  Suck it up!  She needs you now more than ever.  You CAN do this.  You can do this! Allow your love for her to guide you.  And I did.  I held and studied her hands.  I kissed her face.  I whispered loving, peaceful words in her ear.  I kissed and kissed and kissed her face some more.  With all her ducklings, her husband and close friends in the room, momma made her transition 3 hours later.

When my elderly client said he was happy for her, I understood completely, because I, too, am happy for her.  She was engulfed by love her whole life because she exuded love. I know where she is. I know she is existing only in peace and love now. I know she lives inside me as I live inside her. I have not gone one day without feeling/knowing her presence. I don’t see her physical body anymore, but I FEEL her as if she is in the same room with me.

Even though a day does not pass without missing her, I can say with utter conviction and certainty, I am happy she is finally resting. And from the position she now “lives”, she can do an even better job watching over her ducklings which is absolutely her most favorite thing to do.

Stop Trying to Control Everything

It’s funny how when we stop trying to control everything, things fall into place even better.

Once again the Divine stepped in and interceded with a much better plan than what was about to go down.  Here’s what happened…

I was in a texting conversation where a very important/touchy/heated topic was being discussed.  I felt very centered and connected to Source during this conversation.  No shenanigans or egoic rantings, just presence.  When BAM! my person attacked me hard.

Whoa… What the heck was that? I couldn’t believe what this person was saying to me. I took a second to let it sink in, then I prepared to fire back.

I started to push my screen to respond and nothing.  My phone was frozen. I tried again. Nothing.  I backed out of text and tried to use another app.  Nothing.  I tried turning off my phone to reset it.  Still nothing.

At first I was annoyed, then I started to panic!  Omg, what if I can’t respond?  What if this person thinks I’m ignoring them?  What if they think I’m being mean, rude or some other negative thing?

The ol’ worried people pleasing Kristen began to emerge.  Then all at a once I just stopped, sat back and my new pattern of surrender (not trying to control) took over.  (That in itself was fascinating to observe.) I decided to let this be exactly what it was – it is simply an inability to respond “right now.” I can always respond later.

I thought to myself:  Welp, apparently I am not supposed to respond now.  For some reason there needs to be space between our responses.  I’m going to trust this is Right because this is what is happening right now. Spirit knows better than I, and I’m going to trust that. 

Awhile later I received another text from my person. (my phone still frozen) This text was filled with clarity, humility and compassion.  It changed the entire direction and energy of the original conversation.

I realized my person had been reacting with fear rather than responding from center.  Their fear/self-protection was leading them to defend and attack rather than be clear and open.  The response I could not send, would have ignited more fear in them causing further separation between us.  It became quite apparent this space was created for us so to inspire a different possible outcome.  When my phone froze and I was unable to respond, my person had time to sort through their emotions thus responding from a higher place.

God/Source/Universe was guiding us and we didn’t even know it.

Because that pause was created, we had a completely different outcome than where we were headed. However, if I had tried to “control” by firing back at them, I will bet that conversation would have gotten uglier and lasted much longer than needed.

I don’t know why this stuff still fascinates me, but it does!  I’m forever in awe of the infinite intelligence of the universe.  Times like these cause me to reflect on how much chaos can be avoided when we’re willing to stop trying to control, control, control and let God in.

Let this fun little story be a reminder to us all that we are not alone in this life. God has our backs.

When we sloooooow down, practice quiet mind, and listening to our guidance, life begins to flow for us.  When we learn to flow with life rather than control everything, we stop interfering with Divine guidance and THAT is when the miracles happen!


From Doormat to Sweet Empowerment Introduction

from doormat to sweet empowerment book cover

Dear Empowerment Seeker,
After a major life upset brought me to my knees, I set course to heal the unhealthy relationship patterns repeating in my life. I didn’t know how this was going to happen, but I was willing to do whatever it took. It took me two years (by myself) of dedicated work to heal what I now recognize as shame and unworthiness recovery. The results of my work were so astounding, so life-altering, I realized I had cracked the empowerment code.

There is a shame and unworthiness epidemic that plagues humanity. Our healing points show up in our people-pleasing (doormat), approval seeking, controlling, self-protection, mask wearing and desperate behaviors. We all (males and females) have wounds that require healing to attract and maintain the life and relationships we’ve always craved. My goal for writing this book is to help you shorten the learning curve so you can experience your dream life as soon as possible. I’ve done it and I can help you get there.

I have taught this concept to hundreds of people and those truly dedicated to the work, achieved their goal! Healing doesn’t just happen by wishing it so. We must be willing to take radical responsibility for our lives, intake and study new concepts then retrain our conditioned mind by applying what we’ve learned. Healing work is not “difficult”, it’s simply a new method of operating. I sectioned this book into 9 Modules. A module is defined as any number of distinct but interrelated units from which a program may be built. Each module in this book is a component of Shame and Unworthiness Recovery. All equally important.

All stories are true life situations of my own, coaching/consulting clients, friends and family. All names have been changed to protect and respect the privacy of others.
Although I now passionately teach shame and unworthiness recovery, I am a work in progress. I continue to take responsibility for my life, expand my knowledge and practice new concepts and tools. Empowerment is not a destination; it is a way of living.

I invite you, the purchaser of this book, to read the text slowly, high-light concepts you’d like to revisit, complete the exercises, journal your thoughts and apply what you’ve learned. Keep moving forward no matter what!

Always remember, life is a process. Healing is a process. Change is a process. Be gentle with yourself while on your journey. Stay your course, encourage and congratulate yourself often and most importantly, honor yourself for the unique and sacred individual that you are! You are deserving and capable of living a beautiful life!
I am extremely honored to assist you on your healing path.

I believe in you!