Category: Communication & Projection

10 Things to Remember About Fighting Fairly 

 Podcast Episode #28 Show Notes

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It’s so beautiful to witness couples willing to break old habits and adopt new behaviors that support the relationship.

Whether you’ve been with your partner for 6 months or 30 years, the 10 principals below can shift the way you work through your issues in a respectful, faster and supportive way.

Even if you’re the only half of the relationship reading this blog, I’m positive you will walk away with some tidbit that you can put into action immediately. Never underestimate the power of being the only half to work on healing.

Your contribution may be all it takes to shift the dynamic of your arguments for good!

Seek to understand

Listen with an open heart. A huge issue within arguments is people not listening to understand the other person. Instead, they listen to rebut, defend or win. Opening our heart and mind allows for deep understanding and compassion of the other person’s experience. Agree ahead of time to take turns. Give your partner the respect of hearing them out even if you don’t initially agree with them. And expect the same in return.

Speak Truth and Hear Truth –

No one is a mind reader. Hinting, beating around the bush and not speaking up are not resolution behaviors. Keeping someone confused and/or guessing only confuses the situation more.

Be willing to share your observations, opinions, ideas, needs, feelings, forward movements etc. You are part of the equation and your part matters.

Secondly, we must be willing to hear the truth. There is no healing/resolution/forward movement if we deny what’s true – whether it’s our stuff to own or the facts of a situation.

Admitting the truth does not make you bad, wrong or unworthy. It makes you a responsible adult doing your part to build a healthy relationship.

Stick to Facts –

Its’ amazing what kind of mud gets slung when people are disagreeing. Sticking to the facts keeps the situation very clear and on task. Do your best to not get pulled into your person’s detouring, deflecting or projecting. Stick to facts only. Keep in mind “opinions” are not necessarily facts.

Facts are things like:

I saw the text on your phone

You said ____ blank to me.

I didn’t hear from you for 3 days.

You said you would and didn’t follow through.

Facts only.

Don’t interrupt –

Interrupting happens because (a) we don’t like what we are hearing or they have it all wrong or (b) we are afraid we will forget the point we want to make. Interrupting is disrespectful and rude. It is not a resolution behavior. You will get your chance to speak.

Secondly, (for the non-stop talkers) don’t go on and on and on because you will lose your listener. I promise you. When you continue to beat a point, they will zone out on something else because you are repeating yourself. Keep to a paragraph or two and let your partner respond.

Humility is Automatic Cease Fire! –

This is SO important. When you see the light go on in your partner’s eyes, the moment of A-Ha, or when they take ownership of their wrong… Stop. Right. There.

Your point has been taken and understood. More importantly, do not shame them when they finally take responsibility. It’s not easy for some people to take responsibility. Shaming them for their ownership will work against you in future disagreement. They will see the negative effect of what taking responsibility does and they will stop doing it. We don’t want that.

Now that doesn’t mean they’re immediately off the hook with a weak apology. That’s not what I’m saying. It means tune into your partner. Use your spidey senses. You will be able to see and feel when they finally “get it”.

When you or your partner takes full responsibility and apologizes, that’s a conversation shifter. At this point, the next step is resolution planning.

How can you/me catch ourselves from making this same mistake in the future?

No Name Calling/Degrading/Low Blows –

I would hope I wouldn’t have to state the obvious, but let’s face it, when things get hot, sometimes sh*t starts flying. I get it because I’ve been there too and it’s never helped a situation.

Name calling/demeaning/low blows is often a design of the ego to break someone down by attacking who they are. It is aimed at “winning” not at healthy resolution.

Any of the above can quickly override the initial issue because they often hurt far more than the initial offense. Now there are two issues that need tending.

There’s far better words to use to make a point than name calling, degrading and low blows.

Tone Matters –

We have the power to deliver a message with judgment and condemnation or with kindness and love. That doesn’t mean we have to whisper to our person. It means we check in with our hearts and motives FIRST and align ourselves with the intent to heal not to harm.

When we are in touch with delivering a message for healing, it comes out much better than when we deliver a message to hurt.

This doesn’t mean your honest, well-toned message won’t necessarily hurt. The truth hurts sometimes. What it does mean is you will do your part to stay within your higher self and integrity.

Your business is how you speak. Their business is how they respond.

Take a Time-out –

It’s is 100% okay to call a time-out if the situation is getting out of hand. Let your partner know you need a break, tell them where you’re going, what you’re doing and when you’ll be back. Make a plan to revisit the conversation when you are clearer.

And stick to it.

This is about respect and a commitment to resolution.

It’s not cool to walk out leaving things incomplete. That’s called emotional abandonment.

Your person cannot trust you if you continually ignore issues, brush them away or abandon conversations.

Healthy relationships require a solid foundation of trust. You have the right to take a break and it’s also your responsibility to revisit the conversation.

Commitment to healing –

Make a commitment with your partner that your intention for the conversation is to draw you both closer. Let them know it’s the behavior or situation you don’t love, not them.  Arguments can frighten people. Your person may view them as an indicator you don’t love them or you’re going to leave them. Be willing to say I Love You within an argument to ease your partner’s fear.

Provide a safe space –

Be willing to give your partner sacred space to share their truth without judgment. Allow them to have their own experience and opinion of the situation. Be vulnerable and open with your heart so your partner feels safe being vulnerable and open with theirs. Cultivate a “no topic off limits” culture within your home and relationship.

Miracles happen when we make the shift from fear to love, from lower self to higher self and from winning to grinning!

I believe in you all so much! 

Much Love,

KB

People Who Need to Be Right – A Collaborative Column

Dearest Readers,

This is a very powerful column as each one of us delves into a different perspective. As you might notice there is a running theme throughout… Self-Worth. I hope you find inspiration in what you read!

Much Love, KB

kristen-bio  KRISTEN BROWN

Chances are you’ve come across this article because someone in your life is driving you mad with his/her need to be right. It’s likely they are ridiculously aggravating to be around and you might even be considering relinquishing the relationship.

Before you make a rash decision, let’s take a deeper look into what may be going on behind the scenes.

My personal healing path combined with decades of research and close contact with the public has taught me a few things about people who stubbornly have to be right:

  1. They feel powerless in their life and often become stubborn as a means to feel like they are in control. They are often individuals who give away their power easily.
  2. They have a deep belief of unworthiness or inadequacy based on words spoken over them or life circumstance. Unfortunately, these people “right fight” in order to show others what they feel has been overlooked – their value as a brilliant and equivalent contributor.
  3. Their “right fighting” is a raw and real plea to be seen and heard – to matter to someone. It is a cry for love and acceptance.

Most of us know we cannot change others. However, our “difficult” relationships offer us a magnificent growth point for ourselves!

Other’s annoying behavior is often a clever design of the Universe to help us uncover the shadow (unhealed wounds) we need to work on.

The times we are judging the most are the times we actually need to look closer within to learn where we might possess the same trait. It’s called projection.

So the question then becomes…

Do I have a need to be right?

At first glance, you might be unwilling to see where “right fighting” is true in yourself, because self-responsibility begins the fragmentation (or death) of the ego and the ego will do whatever it takes to preserve itself!

However, the good news is…

Self-evolution begins when we are ready and willing to look within and heal all that may be standing between righteousness and happiness.

People on high evolutionary paths are willing to be wrong and willing to choose their battles.

So with this new perspective, I’d like you to circle back to the list above and humbly ask yourself, “Is this me?”

And here’s where it gets really good!

Once we heal in ourselves what we are judging most in others, we naturally stop being aggravated and annoyed by them. Our new healed position replaces annoyance with compassion because we begin to understand their behavior on a much deeper level.

Their “right fighting” might still be present, but our experience will shift from judgment to observation which will give us opportunity to respond to them in a much higher way.

So the next time you find yourself or another person battling to be right, ask yourself this:

Is it vitally important to my health and well-being to be right or can I sit this one out?

Kristen Brown is the founder and Page Admin of Sweet Empowerment. Kristen learned (the hard way) to heal her unworthiness in order to step into a life of peace and empowerment. She is on fire to heal your wounds and step into your best life. Contact Kristen HERE to begin your journey to empowerment today.

20160617_131442-1_resized  LISA MARQUIS

If you’ve ever seen Dr Phil, you’ve probably heard the term “right fighter.” A right fighter is defined as someone who is more concerned about being right in a conflict or situation than they are about resolution that’s best for all. They have to be right, period. There is no compromise.

We all know right fighters. Some are more stubborn about their “rightness” than others, and will argue the most innocuous points! Their need to be right can be so uncomfortable that we feel the need to feign agreement, slink away, or play small to avoid confrontation. While this might keep the peace, it leaves us feeling not so good about them or the situation.

This issue is very personal to me. I grew up with a family of right fighters, and the need to be right was modeled to me all my life. It was normal to me. I knew what I knew and you weren’t going to tell me any differently. Being the youngest fueled this dynamic, as everyone else came before me, they knew it all, and I was determined to show them differently.

In my search for personal empowerment and peace, I’ve learned that for me, the need to be right comes from feeling unworthy inside.

If I’m right I feel worthy, validated, intelligent, accepted, so therefore I need to be right! I need that validation. If I’m right then I can’t be wrong, right? Yeah, right!

You’ve probably heard the phrase “would you rather be right or be happy?” Great question. Does it really matter if everyone thinks I’m right? And what if I’m wrong? Shouldn’t I just be happy?

I’ve been humbled time and again, having discovered a conversation or argument where I wasn’t right about something I was so certain about! At some point the truth dawned on me or somehow I found out that I erred in my thought process. Still, that didn’t change my need to be right. My auto pilot of “rightness” was alive and well.

In recovery programs like AA, it is said:

“What you live with you learn, what you learn you practice, what you practice you become.”

This was so true for me, and I brought this behavior of needing to be right well into adulthood. I projected my own insecurities and feelings of low self-worth onto others, and oftentimes it manifested itself as the need to be right.

I’m still working on this and my feelings of unworthiness and inadequacy. It’s not an easy task after so many years of letting my ego run the show.

When I find myself in that “need to be right” space, I try to stop and consider the situation. Is it really necessary to force my opinion on others? Can I let it go? I pause, think, agree to disagree if need be and learn from the situation.

What I’ve learned is, being right isn’t as important as being peaceful or happy.

Lisa Marquis is a Hair Stylist, Truth Seeker and aspiring Author! If you would like to follow Lisa on her Facebook biz page, click here: Straight Up Hair

Sue BIO  SUE MARKOVITCH

It’s election year. As someone who spends time on social media for business and pleasure, I see a lot of political discussions going on. What comes to light is some people desperately need to be right.

My older brother was here from Texas last week. I hadn’t seen him in four years, but we are connected on Facebook. He has lots of political opinions, so I was a little nervous when we got into a deep conversation about the world, faith and justice. What I found, though, was an extremely respectful conversation. He asked me about my views, then listened. He didn’t interrupt me. He didn’t call me an idiot or raise his voice. He didn’t try to make me feel wrong. In his love for me, he was authentically seeking to understand my views.

It was fucking awesome!

I felt heard and loved and validated, even though we do not share specific faiths, or candidates. I believe he felt the same way.

Not all conversations go that way. Things escalate as one response leads to another response and no one actually hears anyone. I’ve come to believe a few things about people who need to be right.

  1. Be Willing To Hear

People who need to be right are actually people who desperately long to be heard. Am I willing to show up in love and just hear them? Does the conversation have to be a debate, or can I, with authentic curiosity, seek to know this person and why they hold the beliefs that they do? I am learning to do that, knowing that I have people who can then hold space for me and hear me, without debate.

  1. Healthy Boundaries

Sometimes, we need healthy boundaries to keep from being pulled down into the lower vibe conversation of who is right and who is wrong. I am always willing to tell my story, but my faith is not up for debate. I can’t prove to you that God exists or that one candidate or party will lead better than another. So sometimes I choose to bow out, or change the subject. I’d much rather talk about eighties music anyway!

  1. Damn You, Projection

The most important thing to remember, when I start thinking about this person or that person needing to be right, is owning that projection. Meaning, if I see the need to be right in another, to the extent I am judging and pointing it out, I’d better quickly own that I have a need to be right. If I didn’t, it would not be a hot button of judgment for me. They are the trigger. The issue is in me.

Once I own my need to be right, I can begin to heal. I am empowered to see things differently. I no longer engage in debate, as much as radical love for my fellow brothers and sisters. I can listen with the intent to simply understand. I can be with a different point of view and stay rooted in love. I can put my relationships above my need to be right and feel heard, and make the miraculous shift from fear to love. In doing so, I become an empowerment warrior in the healing of this broken, hurting world.

Sue Markovitch is an empowerment warrior and writer in Columbus, Ohio. Her book, I Know What to Do, I Just Don’t Do It is available on Amazon. She works with women over 40 to reclaim their personal power to live a life of integrity. Sign up for her weekly newsletter at www.clearrockfitness.com.

KelliHeadshot  KELLI DAVIES

We’ve all encountered that person who’s done everything and knows everything. They might even ask you a question and then argue with you about the answer! Dealing with people who always need to be right is exhausting and frustrating.

In this current age of social media access, now more than ever, people feel the need to express, post, and tweet their views/opinions about any and everything. Inevitably, someone with the opposite viewpoint is going to comment, and before you can blink, it’s turned into a full blown social media brawl.

Why would anyone spend so much time and energy arguing with people on social media?

Because they need to be right. They’ve taken such a rigid stance on what they feel to be true, they lack being open to seeing things from another perspective.

When dealing with these situations, ask yourself questions, questions, and more questions!

How important is this issue in the grand scheme of things?

Do I really want to engage in this debate?

Are they open to understanding my perspective?

Do I need to be understood or am I trying to win?

What is it going to cost me to be right?

Usually, I only have these conversations with people that I know to be open minded and rational. If you know from past experience that the person you’re dealing with lacks the ability to be open to truly hear you, then you must decide if it’s worth the energy to engage. 

Sometimes you have to communicate to the person what you need from them. You might have to say, “I need for you to put yourself in my shoes and understand where I’m coming from”. It might be an obvious thing to do in your eyes, but not everyone thinks that way.

When you lack the ability to see things from another person’s perspective, not only do you alienate those around you, but there is also a lack of the ability to be compassionate. We could all spend more time seeking to understand things that we oppose/disagree with or don’t have knowledge about, and less time convincing people why we’re right.

I believe that having this mindset will create peace and harmony in your relationships.

Kelli Davies has spent over 20yrs working as an aesthetician/makeup artist whose current work home is Prova Salon in Scottsdale, Az. Kelli is a church-going, intuitive, spiritual gangster!  Kelli’s spiritual journey has invoked a deep passion in her to encourage and speak life into others. 

Boundaries: What Are They And How Do I Set Them? Audio Interview With Kristen Brown

Boundaries are a topic near and dear to my heart both as a recovering doormat and an empowerment coach/mentor.  Boundaries are essentially where we find the courage to express to others what are limits are, what is not acceptable and how to treat us with honor and respect.

Boundaries are essential to healthy, reciprocal relationships as equally as they preserve and foster our self-worth.

What we don’t often know is, boundaries serve both parties involved.  Where we think we are “being mean”, we are actually leading another to his/her healing as well.

If you are having trouble understanding what your boundaries are, how to set them or how to maintain them, this audio is for you!

I would love to hear your thoughts and/or questions!

Much Love,

Kristen Brown

How To Have Difficult Conversations – Audio Interview With Kristen Brown

It has almost become a societal norm to avoid topics that could potentially make our person uncomfortable or squirmy and instead of forging through the discomfort to gain clarity and a deeper connection, we oftentimes choose silence.

As most of you may know, this doesn’t work. Silence only causes additional drama, deeper discomfort and even greater confusion.

One of the hardest things we face in new relationships is venturing into the world of difficult topics; however, by forming a plan and honoring our worth first, we can make this venture a whole lot easier!

If you’d like to learn more about having difficult conversations, take a few minutes to absorb the interview between myself and a popular website I frequently contribute written articles to.

There is a lot of information jam packed into this ten minutes! Enjoy!

I’d love to hear your thoughts!

Much Love,

Kristen Brown

What To Do When Your Fear Freezes You

We’ve all had those moments when we know we need to speak up or act differently, but choose otherwise. Oftentimes, we are later sitting alone with our regret silently pining a missed opportunity to speak our truth or act from our authentic center.

First off, congratulate yourself for recognizing you could have done better!

The first step to ANY change is recognizing our pattern and knowing we’d like to change it in the future. You’ve already taken an important courageous step!

The next step is to dig a little deeper into why you chose to stay silent. Was it a fear of offending another? A fear of losing the love/attention of another? Fear of being belittled or disregarded? Inquiry leads us to better perceptions.  Once we know what fearful thought we are holding onto, we are better positioned to dispelling that thought.

Anytime we don’t speak our truth, a piece of our self-worth dies. And anytime we do stand in our truth, a piece of our self-worth grows! By withholding what our soul is calling us to do can only hurt us in later on. We might experience missed opportunity after missed opportunity or allow our lives to remain small and shriveled rather than luscious and full.

Our journey here is to know Who we are, our worth and to live within the beauty and bounty of our souls.

Fear is only an illusion.

It is something that our mind (ego) makes up to keep us small. We cannot thrive when we are believing our lower thoughts and functioning from a dense vibration.

When we speak our inner knowing, our truths and our experiences, we are honoring the very essence of Who we are. When we honor our essence, we ignite our passion. We get stronger. Our confidence grows. We don’t fall for others’ manipulative tricks as often or even at all. Our entire being begins to thrive and each truth brings us closer to living a more fulfilled life!

Six Steps To Transcending Your Fear

  1. Notice when you are holding back. Mere ownership is more powerful than you think! Allow your process to begin.

 

  1. Ponder how you could have handled the situation better. Resist the urge to add emotion to it. Simply be with the situation and allow your higher self to speak up. How could I have handled this better? What would I be willing to do differently next time?

 

  1. Do not beat yourself up. You are a work in progress. We sabotage our growth when we continually beat ourselves up. Be gentle with yourself on your journey.

 

  1. Consider that all truth will lead to better results. Initially, yes, you might rock a few worlds when you start to have an opinion. So what. Self-worth is about honoring your authentic self. How you feel and what you have to contribute matters! In the end, the truth sets everyone free.

 

  1. Start small. Make a deal with yourself that the very next time you notice you are holding back, say something. It does not have to be some major grandstanding announcement. Something small, but truthful will do just fine.

 

  1. Release expectations. Remember, how others’ react is their reality, not yours. If you expect a certain outcome or reaction, you will be disappointed every time and most likely never want to speak up again. The only approval you need is your own.

Once you begin to “feel the fear and do it anyway”, you will begin noticing a sense of peace and freedom! Allow your new feelings to take root. Do not disregard your growth! You’ve just taken a mighty courageous step. Bring it to the Light and be proud of yourself! Onward and upward!