Category: Changing Perceptions

People Who Need to Be Right – A Collaborative Column

Dearest Readers,

This is a very powerful column as each one of us delves into a different perspective. As you might notice there is a running theme throughout… Self-Worth. I hope you find inspiration in what you read!

Much Love, KB

kristen-bio  KRISTEN BROWN

Chances are you’ve come across this article because someone in your life is driving you mad with his/her need to be right. It’s likely they are ridiculously aggravating to be around and you might even be considering relinquishing the relationship.

Before you make a rash decision, let’s take a deeper look into what may be going on behind the scenes.

My personal healing path combined with decades of research and close contact with the public has taught me a few things about people who stubbornly have to be right:

  1. They feel powerless in their life and often become stubborn as a means to feel like they are in control. They are often individuals who give away their power easily.
  2. They have a deep belief of unworthiness or inadequacy based on words spoken over them or life circumstance. Unfortunately, these people “right fight” in order to show others what they feel has been overlooked – their value as a brilliant and equivalent contributor.
  3. Their “right fighting” is a raw and real plea to be seen and heard – to matter to someone. It is a cry for love and acceptance.

Most of us know we cannot change others. However, our “difficult” relationships offer us a magnificent growth point for ourselves!

Other’s annoying behavior is often a clever design of the Universe to help us uncover the shadow (unhealed wounds) we need to work on.

The times we are judging the most are the times we actually need to look closer within to learn where we might possess the same trait. It’s called projection.

So the question then becomes…

Do I have a need to be right?

At first glance, you might be unwilling to see where “right fighting” is true in yourself, because self-responsibility begins the fragmentation (or death) of the ego and the ego will do whatever it takes to preserve itself!

However, the good news is…

Self-evolution begins when we are ready and willing to look within and heal all that may be standing between righteousness and happiness.

People on high evolutionary paths are willing to be wrong and willing to choose their battles.

So with this new perspective, I’d like you to circle back to the list above and humbly ask yourself, “Is this me?”

And here’s where it gets really good!

Once we heal in ourselves what we are judging most in others, we naturally stop being aggravated and annoyed by them. Our new healed position replaces annoyance with compassion because we begin to understand their behavior on a much deeper level.

Their “right fighting” might still be present, but our experience will shift from judgment to observation which will give us opportunity to respond to them in a much higher way.

So the next time you find yourself or another person battling to be right, ask yourself this:

Is it vitally important to my health and well-being to be right or can I sit this one out?

Kristen Brown is the founder and Page Admin of Sweet Empowerment. Kristen learned (the hard way) to heal her unworthiness in order to step into a life of peace and empowerment. She is on fire to heal your wounds and step into your best life. Contact Kristen HERE to begin your journey to empowerment today.

20160617_131442-1_resized  LISA MARQUIS

If you’ve ever seen Dr Phil, you’ve probably heard the term “right fighter.” A right fighter is defined as someone who is more concerned about being right in a conflict or situation than they are about resolution that’s best for all. They have to be right, period. There is no compromise.

We all know right fighters. Some are more stubborn about their “rightness” than others, and will argue the most innocuous points! Their need to be right can be so uncomfortable that we feel the need to feign agreement, slink away, or play small to avoid confrontation. While this might keep the peace, it leaves us feeling not so good about them or the situation.

This issue is very personal to me. I grew up with a family of right fighters, and the need to be right was modeled to me all my life. It was normal to me. I knew what I knew and you weren’t going to tell me any differently. Being the youngest fueled this dynamic, as everyone else came before me, they knew it all, and I was determined to show them differently.

In my search for personal empowerment and peace, I’ve learned that for me, the need to be right comes from feeling unworthy inside.

If I’m right I feel worthy, validated, intelligent, accepted, so therefore I need to be right! I need that validation. If I’m right then I can’t be wrong, right? Yeah, right!

You’ve probably heard the phrase “would you rather be right or be happy?” Great question. Does it really matter if everyone thinks I’m right? And what if I’m wrong? Shouldn’t I just be happy?

I’ve been humbled time and again, having discovered a conversation or argument where I wasn’t right about something I was so certain about! At some point the truth dawned on me or somehow I found out that I erred in my thought process. Still, that didn’t change my need to be right. My auto pilot of “rightness” was alive and well.

In recovery programs like AA, it is said:

“What you live with you learn, what you learn you practice, what you practice you become.”

This was so true for me, and I brought this behavior of needing to be right well into adulthood. I projected my own insecurities and feelings of low self-worth onto others, and oftentimes it manifested itself as the need to be right.

I’m still working on this and my feelings of unworthiness and inadequacy. It’s not an easy task after so many years of letting my ego run the show.

When I find myself in that “need to be right” space, I try to stop and consider the situation. Is it really necessary to force my opinion on others? Can I let it go? I pause, think, agree to disagree if need be and learn from the situation.

What I’ve learned is, being right isn’t as important as being peaceful or happy.

Lisa Marquis is a Hair Stylist, Truth Seeker and aspiring Author! If you would like to follow Lisa on her Facebook biz page, click here: Straight Up Hair

Sue BIO  SUE MARKOVITCH

It’s election year. As someone who spends time on social media for business and pleasure, I see a lot of political discussions going on. What comes to light is some people desperately need to be right.

My older brother was here from Texas last week. I hadn’t seen him in four years, but we are connected on Facebook. He has lots of political opinions, so I was a little nervous when we got into a deep conversation about the world, faith and justice. What I found, though, was an extremely respectful conversation. He asked me about my views, then listened. He didn’t interrupt me. He didn’t call me an idiot or raise his voice. He didn’t try to make me feel wrong. In his love for me, he was authentically seeking to understand my views.

It was fucking awesome!

I felt heard and loved and validated, even though we do not share specific faiths, or candidates. I believe he felt the same way.

Not all conversations go that way. Things escalate as one response leads to another response and no one actually hears anyone. I’ve come to believe a few things about people who need to be right.

  1. Be Willing To Hear

People who need to be right are actually people who desperately long to be heard. Am I willing to show up in love and just hear them? Does the conversation have to be a debate, or can I, with authentic curiosity, seek to know this person and why they hold the beliefs that they do? I am learning to do that, knowing that I have people who can then hold space for me and hear me, without debate.

  1. Healthy Boundaries

Sometimes, we need healthy boundaries to keep from being pulled down into the lower vibe conversation of who is right and who is wrong. I am always willing to tell my story, but my faith is not up for debate. I can’t prove to you that God exists or that one candidate or party will lead better than another. So sometimes I choose to bow out, or change the subject. I’d much rather talk about eighties music anyway!

  1. Damn You, Projection

The most important thing to remember, when I start thinking about this person or that person needing to be right, is owning that projection. Meaning, if I see the need to be right in another, to the extent I am judging and pointing it out, I’d better quickly own that I have a need to be right. If I didn’t, it would not be a hot button of judgment for me. They are the trigger. The issue is in me.

Once I own my need to be right, I can begin to heal. I am empowered to see things differently. I no longer engage in debate, as much as radical love for my fellow brothers and sisters. I can listen with the intent to simply understand. I can be with a different point of view and stay rooted in love. I can put my relationships above my need to be right and feel heard, and make the miraculous shift from fear to love. In doing so, I become an empowerment warrior in the healing of this broken, hurting world.

Sue Markovitch is an empowerment warrior and writer in Columbus, Ohio. Her book, I Know What to Do, I Just Don’t Do It is available on Amazon. She works with women over 40 to reclaim their personal power to live a life of integrity. Sign up for her weekly newsletter at www.clearrockfitness.com.

KelliHeadshot  KELLI DAVIES

We’ve all encountered that person who’s done everything and knows everything. They might even ask you a question and then argue with you about the answer! Dealing with people who always need to be right is exhausting and frustrating.

In this current age of social media access, now more than ever, people feel the need to express, post, and tweet their views/opinions about any and everything. Inevitably, someone with the opposite viewpoint is going to comment, and before you can blink, it’s turned into a full blown social media brawl.

Why would anyone spend so much time and energy arguing with people on social media?

Because they need to be right. They’ve taken such a rigid stance on what they feel to be true, they lack being open to seeing things from another perspective.

When dealing with these situations, ask yourself questions, questions, and more questions!

How important is this issue in the grand scheme of things?

Do I really want to engage in this debate?

Are they open to understanding my perspective?

Do I need to be understood or am I trying to win?

What is it going to cost me to be right?

Usually, I only have these conversations with people that I know to be open minded and rational. If you know from past experience that the person you’re dealing with lacks the ability to be open to truly hear you, then you must decide if it’s worth the energy to engage. 

Sometimes you have to communicate to the person what you need from them. You might have to say, “I need for you to put yourself in my shoes and understand where I’m coming from”. It might be an obvious thing to do in your eyes, but not everyone thinks that way.

When you lack the ability to see things from another person’s perspective, not only do you alienate those around you, but there is also a lack of the ability to be compassionate. We could all spend more time seeking to understand things that we oppose/disagree with or don’t have knowledge about, and less time convincing people why we’re right.

I believe that having this mindset will create peace and harmony in your relationships.

Kelli Davies has spent over 20yrs working as an aesthetician/makeup artist whose current work home is Prova Salon in Scottsdale, Az. Kelli is a church-going, intuitive, spiritual gangster!  Kelli’s spiritual journey has invoked a deep passion in her to encourage and speak life into others. 

Why Receiving Compliments Can Be Difficult- A Collaborative Column

kristen-bio Kristen Brown

In my 20’s, my “I suck” wound (unworthiness) was so big I could hardly look in the mirror because all I saw were my flaws – flaws I noticed myself and flaws that had been pointed out to me by others. No matter how wholeheartedly a compliment was given, it felt fake and untrue to me. Although I’d say “thank you” to be kind, I couldn’t receive it.

One day I read an article that said to ignore or push out a compliment was to turn your back on a loving gift. Can you imagine how it would feel if you wholeheartedly and excitedly handed someone a heartfelt gift and they said, “I don’t want that!”?

I know for me it would sting.

The article went on to say that when we graciously receive a compliment we are actually giving back to the giver because their heart becomes full with our receiving! In other words, their soul expands with their giving of love and our receiving of it.

Makes perfect sense doesn’t it?

So why is it we don’t easily apply this principle, graciously receive compliments and get with the program? Because…

When we don’t deem ourselves worthy of glory, we will not ever believe someone else does.

Many of us hold ourselves hostage to an unachievable standard of perfection. We believe: Unless or until I achieve (fill in the blanks) _____, _____ or _____, I will never be worthy.

Instead we are forever reaching, striving, straining and draining our way to reach a place we believe will finally make us worthy.

Loves, there is no amount of stuff we can acquire that will make us feel worthy. No amount of relationship, money, body or career status will ever fill the unworthiness void in our hearts.

Unworthiness healing is an inside job and here’s how it starts:

Know your true origin as a child of God – Equal to all living beings on this Earth. Not above, not below. Magnificent, unique and beautiful in your creation. God does not make mistakes and you are no exception.

Focus on what is right with you rather than what is “wrong” – We naturally begin to reflect our inner beauty and worthiness when we give ourselves grace for our mistakes and embrace our journey as one of learning and growing not of perfection.

Be your own best friend – Encourage yourself. Speak kindly to yourself. Forgive yourself and love yourself. Treat you the way you treat others. You need your acceptance, love and compassion just as much as your loved ones.

Receive the love coming your way – It’s there! Love is all around you! Open your eyes and heart to receive it. You are worthy of every compliment given. We came here to make manifest all that God is, to shine in our own special way. If someone is giving to you, open your palms wide and receive.

And most importantly…

Choose to see compliments as a reminder of your glory!

Kristen Brown is Sweet Empowerment’s page admin.  She is a spiritual and relationship coach/mentor who is on fire to help others heal their wounds and attract the life they’ve always dreamed of! If you would like to hire Kristen for personal coaching, click HERE for your free 15 minute consultation!

Sue BIO  Sue Markovitch

There is a chemistry principle called “Like Dissolves Like”, that describes how substances with similar characteristics will dissolve in each other. Salt shares similarities with water, so salt dissolves easily in water. Oil has the opposite polarity of water, so it does not. We’ve all seen oil floating on top, or in a separate layer from the water. It is because they repel.

For most of my life, compliments were oil to my water. I repelled them. If someone said, “You look great!”, I would grab a roll of belly fat and respond with, “Are you kidding? Have you seen this disgusting belly?” If someone said, “Your hair looks so nice like that”, I’d squirm around talking about how I’d gotten up late, didn’t have time to straighten it, blah blah blah.

Compliments were oil to my water. I repelled them.

Once I realized how rude it was to argue with someone, just because they complimented me, I tried to change. I would say, “Thank you!”, but it didn’t feel authentic. Compliments still made me feel seen, called out and vulnerable.

Then I started to learn about my wounds. My brokenness. I became aware of how rooted in Not Good Enough and I Don’t Matter I was. My solvent was composed of fear, so love bombs in the form of compliments could never really get in. They were always repelled, because fear and love are as opposite as oil and water.

Not being able to receive compliments is a symptom of fear and unworthiness, often rooted in shame.

I realized that I’d never be able to truly accept a compliment until I was made up of Love and only Love. It was chemically impossible. So I got to work. I started sharing my story. I started sharing my shame. I found amazing support groups and coaches who knew how to create a safe, sacred space for me to process all the shit that had happened. How I got so filled with fear and lies.

I started coming out of agreement with all the false beliefs that had been my life map for so long. And I got on a new path.

As I did the work of letting go of who I was not, and remembering who I was, I started to become rooted in Love. My identity was no longer Not Good Enough and I Don’t Matter. It was now a worthy, oh so loved Child of God. Once I knew who I was, when someone saw that glorious light within me and took the time to tell me with a compliment, I finally understood the salt.

And I saw the light in them right back, and said, “Thank you.”

Sue Markovitch is a Fitness Coach, Author, Speaker, Spiritual Leader and my beloved Soul Sister! If you would like to discover more about Sue’s awesomeness check out her website Clear Rock Fitness!

KelliHeadshot Kelli Davies

I am very fortunate to be married to a man who gives me compliments on a daily basis.

One morning we were having a deep conversation and he proceeds to tell me that I’m flawless.  It was all I could do to 1) not laugh, 2) tell him he was nuts, and 3) not rattle off a list of all the reasons his statement wasn’t true.

Although I refrained from saying anything, the look on my face said it all.  He said “You’re flawless in my eyes. You’re everything I’ve ever wanted”.

His statement almost made me cry because I knew he was speaking from his heart . He was looking at me through love filtered glasses. So why was I having such a hard time receiving his heartfelt words? Unbelief.

Unbelief that he saw me as complete.  Unbelief that he could look past my physical flaws and still see beauty. Unbelief that he could look past my character flaws and still see a great person.  Who am I to argue with what he sees?

When you’re not accepting, you are rejecting. You are rejecting a gift that is being offered to you.  It is a gift of acceptance, encouragement, and love.

Unbelief is also the reason we feel the need to explain why a compliment isn’t valid.  If someone compliments your shoes, you don’t need to ramble on about how old or how cheap they were.  Just say thank you! How long you’ve had or paid for them is irrelevant to how fabulous it looks.

On the flip side, if you’ve ever had to deal with someone who doesn’t know how to receive a compliment, it can be kind of annoying.  You just want to shake them and say “Snap out of it!  You have good qualities!”.

This speaks to a deeper issue. Is the root of your unbelief unworthiness?

Accepting a compliment doesn’t make you arrogant.  All it means is that you have chosen to believe that someone sees you through love filtered glasses.  It’s OK to receive the gift of acceptance, encouragement, and love.  It is up to you to believe that you are worthy.

Kelli Davies has spent 20 years working closely with the public as an aesthetician/makeup artist whose current work home is Prova Salon in Scottsdale, AZ.  Kelli is a church going,  self-empowerment loving, spiritual gangster!  Kelli’s spiritual journey has invoked a deep passion in her to encourage and speak life into others as they travel through life challenges.

20160617_131442-1_resized  Lisa Marquis

How do you take your compliments, straight up or with a side of squeamish?

When someone compliments you, say, on what you’re wearing, your sense of humor, your beautiful eyes, how do you respond? Do you say thank you very much, or do you minimize what they’ve just said? Shy away from them, deny that it’s true?

If you have trouble accepting compliments, perhaps you are suffering from low self worth. You fear it will make you look conceited or full of yourself to say thank you. It’s just always what you’ve done when being complimented: deflect so as to seem humble.

When we deny a compliment aren’t we somewhat insulting the giver of it? After all, they are making a point to let us know that they like something about us, so isn’t it up to us to be gracious about receiving it? The answer is yes. We should be gracious and accept, but it’s  more than that. We need to improve our self worth, so we can actually believe and appreciate that compliment.

I think we are afraid of the compliment because it puts us in the spotlight for that moment in time, draws attention to something about us. And lots of us just aren’t comfortable in that light. Either because we doubt ourselves, don’t feel good about ourselves or just plain don’t like to be focused on. Or as mentioned above, it feels like we are full of ourselves to be in that place and we don’t want others to perceive us that way.

Daily affirmations can help with the issue of self worth; try saying to yourself that you are worthy, you are kind, pretty, funny, whatever you can come up with that you even remotely like about you. Then focus on the things that you think are your strongest attributes; maybe you are really great at your job, or have a way with people that is really disarming and engaging. It will be easier to start with your strongest qualities and go from there, as those are easier to grab onto. Doing this will also help you with where you need improvement.

Telling yourself what’s good about you doesn’t make you conceited. It doesn’t make you perfect, it makes you aware. It goes toward being grateful. I happen to be very good at my profession, but it doesn’t mean I never make mistakes; when I do, I have enough belief in my abilities to learn from them and move on. And it makes me grateful for the lesson. Boom. Compliment accepted, from myself! That’s what a daily affirmation is, a compliment to you, from you.

Just try it. It will be awkward at first because we’re so used to the deflection and denial. But as you keep at it, you will see that starting with you is the first step to bringing a better you to the rest of the world.

Lisa Marquis is a practicing Hair Stylist, Truth Seeker and aspiring Author! Lisa’s divine gifts of logic and compassion coupled with her articulate, sweet and oh-s0-witty demeanor, make her one heck of a space holder. If you would like to follow Lisa on her Facebook biz page, click here: Straight Up Hair

The Secret Key to Cultivating a Healthy Relationship

emotional-triggers-in-mediation-300x283

I have found through coaching many couples that there is a hidden aspect to relationships that many people have no idea exists.

After the initial awe and lust phase of the relationship, many couples begin frequent fighting over what appears to be ridiculous and resolution seems ever elusive as a cycle begins to take form.

Love and attraction is still present in this phase, but if the secret key I’m about to reveal is not known or dealt with in a conscious and healthy way, the relationship will inevitably end or leave one or both partners unfulfilled and unhappy.

The secret key I am referring to is:

Recognizing and understanding your partner’s hidden pain.

I venture to say there is no one walking around on earth who has not been hurt in some way, shape or form. It’s inevitable and evident in everyone’s life.

However, a good majority of people feel they have overcome or healed their issues and continue on through life.

Little do they know their shadow (the unhealed aspects of their heart) continue to show up in ways that one might not connect back to their betrayals, losses and/or emotional or physical abuse.

At some point, the close proximity of a partner will trip an emotional trigger and cause us to act in ways that can damage the relationship. If our triggers are not recognized and we don’t seek to heal our underlying wounds, we end up in difficult, unruly and disconnected unions.

So how do we know when our partner has been triggered?

A great way to tell when our partner’s wound (or ours) has been triggered is they will either:

  • Strike out verbally or physically
  • Get silent and/or retreat
  • Withhold love
  • Cry
  • Or any other seemingly random display of emotion

I can always tell when one particular friend of mine gets triggered because her mood will change drastically on a dime. Her easy going, fun nature transforms in an instant to sarcastic and rude. A-ha! There’s that little bugger again.

So What Can You Do to Help?

  1. Share the pattern you are seeing – Let your partner know you notice an abrupt change in his/her mood and calmly ask them what your words or behavior touched in them.
  2. Give them a safe place to share – Judgment does not work here, friends. It may seem stupid or insignificant to you, but this is not about you. Your person has a past that hurt them. It’s their story and very real to them.
  3. Ask how you can help – At this point, your person may still be unconscious to why they are acting out or how you can help them. Encourage them to dig a little deeper into their heart and share with you. Tap into your own inner knowing and wisdom to help them recognize what’s happening.
  4. Talk about it often as needed – Relationships are designed to show us ourselves. And that stands for both parties involved. Wounds are not healed overnight. They need light to heal! Talking about it as often as needed brings light to the darkness.
  5. Take ego out of it – It can be difficult to be the recipient of your partner’s attack especially when it is unfounded or based on a wound being touched that has nothing to do with you. Our ego will always want to fight and defend. By removing your ego’s nudge to fight, you are clearing space for compassion.
  6. Encourage your person to seek professional help – You will not be able to “fix” your partner. Leave that to a professional. Your job is to hold sacred, loving space for them while they do the work to heal. Healing does not happen overnight, so your “work” as their partner will be an important piece to their healing.

Through all of this, it is vitally important to remember…

Love heals – ego wounds.

When we can clearly see what is going on behind the scenes of our partner’s psyche, we are better equipped to handle their trigger moments (love) and not take them personally (ego). Understanding brings healing. It may not happen immediately, but with love and patience nothing is insurmountable.

And lastly, if your partner is unwilling to work on his/her wounds and triggers and their behavior elicits a need for a firm boundary, be willing to set one. Healthy boundaries are rooted in love and what is rooted in love will serve the highest good for both parties involved always.

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Your thoughts?

Drainers – Are You Helping or Enabling?

For the kind hearted it’s quite natural to want to help those in need. In fact, more often than not, we will hand over great gobs of our time, money and emotional resources to help someone in need achieve success in whatever area they are struggling with. With that being said, there comes a time when we might feel that all our efforts are in vain. We may feel like no matter how much we show up for them, nothing is changing. Our person remains stuck.

I’ve run across these situations many times in my life and I can confidently say I stayed in them far longer than was healthy for my well-being. I would find myself performing all kinds of gymnastics for them and even pondering their issues throughout my day rather than my own! At the time I thought this was my duty as a good human being because after all, didn’t I need help too sometimes? Yes, for sure. However, there is a vast difference between someone seeking for change and someone choosing stagnation and victimhood.

The Difference Between Seekers and Drainers:

  1. The Seekers – People who seek for knowledge and wisdom in order to promote themselves out of suffering. They are willing to get uncomfortable while reconstructing a new method of operation. They are grateful for what they receive and neither party feels drained after their interactions. Additionally, both parties feel happy and fulfilled when the seeker begins to see the light and takes necessary steps towards positive forward movement.

 

  1. The Drainers – These are folks who exploit your time and attention and continue to stay right…where…they…are. Conversations with them are repeating and energy draining. They are comfortable in their story of woe and as long as we’re giving, they’ll keep taking! There is little to no change happening and oftentimes the helper may feel like they are wasting their time.

It’s important to realize (and take personal responsibility) that the drainer did not waste your time – you gave your time freely. To blame the Drainer for your contempt is misplaced. You accepted the role and chose to stay in it indefinitely.

I applaud anyone who helps another and I applaud those in life who want to see the good and redeeming qualities in everyone. Because truth be known, there IS good in everyone and we all need a little TLC and help from time to time. Drainers are not “bad” people, they are stuck. However, there comes a point when we have to realize what stuck really looks like and that no matter what we do or say, we cannot make change happen for them.

A person has to want change in order to create change for themselves.

Giving to others at the expense of our energy does not create enormous growth in our people. Actually, it often promotes enabling and where there is enabling going on, both parties will inevitably be sucked into the suffering. At some point, we must recognize we are being an enabler and stop doing it by putting loving, but firm boundaries into place. If you’re not sure if you are helping or enabling a loved one, consult the list below.

6 Steps to Recognize if You’re Enabling Someone

  1. You are frustrated and unhappy with your stuck person because their strife appears never ending.

 

  1. You are aware that your “help” is not helping at all. In fact, no one’s help is helping.

 

  1. You feel drained in their company and are tired of dealing with them.

 

  1. You’ve heard their victimhood repertoire so much you can repeat it verbatim.

 

  1. Your person attempts to guilt or manipulate you if you try to change your strategy when dealing with them.

 

  1. You start to feel contempt for the person rather than compassion.

As I state in my book From Doormat to Sweet Empowerment, boundaries are beneficial to both parties involved. When we begin to set and maintain healthy boundaries, our person is “forced” to figure things out on their own. They must approach life from their own spiritual center rather than relying on yours (which is only temporary anyway). They will have to learn to become resourceful in their own life and find their own answers – answers that they are comfortable with and are willing to put into action.

Being a massively soft-hearted person, I had to really give boundary setting some serious thought. I had to know for sure that it was indeed the right thing to do before I could do it. I did my research and learned all about boundaries: what they are, what they meant and how to implement them. I was convinced that setting loving boundaries was the best thing for me AND my drainer.

I understand that setting boundaries may feel like turning your back on your person. So, I ask you this:

What if you knew for sure that boundary setting was serving to both parties?

What if you knew for sure that you were only harming them (and yourself) more by staying in something where there is no healthy forward movement or emotional advancement?

Would you be more willing to set a boundary with them?

I remember the first time I set a really difficult boundary with a loved one. It was a drainer situation that I had stayed in for over a year. I stayed because I felt it was my duty. After a year of the same dialogue between the two of us with zero change, I pulled out. I set a clear boundary that I was no longer going to be available to discuss the same situations over and over again. I explained that I had given her all the knowledge and wisdom I had and it was time for her to stand by her own power. It was scary and she did not like it, but it felt really good!

Within 36 hours, she came back to me with a dialogue full of awareness! I was stunned! By taking myself out of the situation, she only had herself to rely on. She pondered all that we had talked about and she took it to her center. She processed what felt Right and True for her and she began to act from that place. I observed my beloved transforming right before my eyes! It was fascinating and humbling to watch.

My role had been to hold loving space for her AND to remove myself when it was time.

You are not bad or wrong for needing to back up or out of a situation where a person is choosing stagnation and draining all your precious energy. Give yourself grace for being there in the first place and for offering your heart and wisdom for their becoming.

We can only do so much for others before we start sacrificing our sacred selves. It’s important for us to know when it is time to step out with love and give ourselves permission to do so.

The rest is up to them.

Be Open to the Truthtellers in Your Life

We’ve all encountered those moments when someone attempts to tell us about ourselves and we just don’t want to hear it. Somewhere deep inside a mechanism kicks in telling us their words are not relevant to what we are going through and we kick the idea to the curb shortly after word three.

If this sounds familiar, this article is for you.

First, I’d like to state up front, this article is not designed to shame or attack you. It’s designed to get you started on your healing path so you can release your self-sabotaging behaviors for good.

All throughout our lives we encounter others’ opinions – some resonate and some not so much. However, there are those “special” times when we hear what someone is saying and immediately disclaim their insight because, truth be told, they are touching a place inside us we have worked diligently to ignore – our shadow side.

The problem with this mechanism is unless we are willing to hear the truth, we will forever wash, rinse, repeat the same situations over and over again. We then return to the same friends with the same problems and hear the same thing! At this point we begin to convince ourselves that our friends have no idea what they are talking about. They just don’t get it! Instead, we go find someone who we can fool and get the validation we are craving. However, if your friends or “truth tellers” have walked in your shoes and healed those same places, they mostly likely DO know exactly what you are talking about and are trying to help you. To continue to push away their wisdom is to perpetuate your story of pain and suffering.

After having experienced an awakening some years back, I learned this valuable truth:

We cannot do it alone and the truth will indeed set us free!

We need others to shine light on our darkness when we are blind – to love us enough to tell us the truth. And believe me when I say, it’s not any easier to be the truth teller! Truth tellers often get yelled at, shunned and even ignored after sharing the truth. They become the “bad guy” when in fact, they are the good guy!

Let’s face it, some people are not so easy to talk to (and this could be you). However, ironically, the truth tellers are the people in our lives that have the courage to at least try. They often know that they are risking the friendship and/or connection by doing so, yet they desperately want peace for their friend so they keep trying. It’s difficult to go up against the ego in a blind person. The ego don’t take kindly to truth! However, by altering your perception of your truth teller from “mean and hurtful” to “loving and caring”, you will hear them differently than you have before and shift can begin.

Healing one’s wounds and disempowered places begins with truth. Just like in Alcoholics Anonymous where the alcoholic stands up and declares, “Hello, I’m John. I’m an alcoholic”, the wounded needs to own their behaviors and begin to take responsibility. Ownership is Step One.

Hello, I’m Kristen and I’m a recovering doormat.

We cannot move forward towards a solution until we are ready to recognize the problem.

I remember the precise moment I took responsibility for my self-defeating behaviors. I was standing in my bedroom some time midday and I decided to try to locate the places I did not act from my highest self and the places where I was wanting another to fill my void. Of course, my ego told me there would only be a few… Wrong! To be completely honest, out came a torrent of all my needy and disempowered places! Picture a family of hungry monkeys clamoring for the zookeeper holding a bunch of bananas. It was mayhem! It was gross, appalling and embarrassing! Even though no one was around, I squirmed and cringed as each memory came to the forefront.

And then the miracle happened…

The torrent stopped as quickly as it started. Silence. I looked around quizzically and wondered, “Is that it? Am I done?”

After noticing lightning didn’t strike me dead nor did I didn’t shrivel up into a warted troll, I felt the weight of the world lift off of me. Whoaaaa… What? I felt free… Finally free! I didn’t know what to do with all this, so I layed down on my bed to let it sink in. I observed there was no shame. There was no regret. There really wasn’t anything, but peace. My truth had set me free. Nothing more, nothing less. My shadow had finally been heard and it was now at rest.

THAT was the day my life changed forever. From that point forward, I set course to work on my self-worth and self-esteem. I finally realized I had created this whole frenetic scene and I could equally and successfully un-create it.

I occasionally wondered why no one ever brought my behavior to my attention. I considered myself an open book and knowing there is a lot of wisdom in the world, I was perplexed as to why no one had ever shed light on my darkness. Then the answer came. I had kept the really shameful parts to myself. I only shared parts of my story that would gain the oooohs and ahhhhhs from my cohorts. I never told the entire truth about the things I did because my ego convinced me those parts didn’t matter. My lower-self wanted so badly to be right; it subconsciously undermined my truth in the just perfect way to keep me stuck. Instead, I received all the appropriate statements like, What an a**hole! and You deserve so much better! My ego was validated, but my soul was not. Sound familiar?

When we are truly suffering and truly wanting for change, we must be willing to take radical responsibility for our behavior and if possible share it with a trusted friend. It’s important we share the uncut, unedited and raw version in lieu of some manipulated version that will only gain you the validation your ego so desperately wants.

I promise you, your ownership will not magically turn you into a warted troll, nor will lightning strike you down. Only healing and grace comes from radical self-honesty.

And one more thing… Always remember, there is nothing exclusively wrong with you! You are spirit having a human experience like the rest of us on this planet. You are fallible, forgivable and healable!

Show us what you got!