When Leavers Leave Us
January 21st, 2015
I know how easy it can be to want to hang on to the one who is leaving us. We begin all kinds of mental gymnastics looking for a way to get them to stay. We hash and rehash past scenarios and want to beat ourselves up for whatever we said or did that we perceive is the reason he or she left. We take their exit words as gospel and fall deeply into the pit of despair. We think: if only I could have done it differently!
We begin to imagine life without them and panic sets in. We are frightened that we will never find another – that we aren’t worthy of a loving relationship – that something is terribly different or wrong with us. Depression sets in and we cannot see life beyond the pain we are currently in.
People leave for ALL kinds of reasons! And believe it or not, unless you are an abuser, an adulterer or an addict, those reasons have nothing to do with you. Although some leavers take full responsibility, most often they don’t. They choose to blame their partners and inflict even deeper wounds to justify their exit or betrayal.
Unfortunately, through the haze of our pain and anguish, we cannot see reality clearly. All we want is our person back. For things to be as they once were. To forget all of this nonsense and continue forth. To kiss and make up and act as though it never happened.
In times like these, it is mega important to stop looking at the situation one dimensionally. What your person is doing or has done is about them, not you. To personalize it is to not only stunt your healing, but to sabotage your life. One might say: how can I not personalize it?! He/she left me!
I completely understand that notion. I’ve been there before. The “how to” is knowing that your person came on board with a living and breathing past. Whatever happened to them in their life (that has not been healed) has now dictated their future. You happen to be collateral damage of an unhealed heart. We will always bring our pasts forward into our relationships unless we do the work to heal them. It’s not “if”, it’s”when”. It may take months or even decades to unfold, but somehow, some way, it will.
It’s not your fault.
Your life is not over and you are deserving more than ever of a reciprocal loving and respectful relationship.
Take a good, long look at yourself. What do you see?
Would you date you? Would you be your friend? Would you marry you? If the answers are Yes, it’s time to stop giving your power away by playing victim and get on with what the Universe has in store for you! Nothing is taken away from us that does not have a new and better option to fill its space. The Universe abhors a vacuum. Where there is space to fill, you can bet the Universe is working to fill it for you. However, this cannot happen unless we get up, brush off and get back to living this glorious existence that is ours to explore and celebrate.
In my opinion, any leaving is a blessing in disguise. You may not see it now, but it will be if you choose the “victory path” forward and reclaim your life, your joy. All pain serves our growth in some way if we are willing and courageous enough to point ourselves in that direction. In fact, most often we come out the other side even better and more brilliant than we were before!
It’s time to set down the sadness. It’s time to claim your worth, your freedom, your second chance and your empowerment!
Tell me that you will!