When Friends Unfriend Us- A Collaborative Column
June 20th, 2016
Losing a friend can make us feel like there is something wrong with us.
After all, if there wasn’t wouldn’t they still be our friend?
I used to think this way, but not anymore.
Having gone through this situation/feeling a few times, I began to notice there was a common denominator that ran congruent with my “unfriending friends”.
The common denominator wasn’t that there was something wrong with me, it was that there was something “Light” with me.
In my most recent unfriending episode, I was randomly and without notice unfriended and blocked from Facebook by a woman I considered a dear friend.
Before I mentioned anything to her, I decided to do a little personal introspection first.
Was there something that I had changed about myself that affected her?
The answer was yes, but not in a way you might be thinking.
Historically, when this friend would talk to me about situations in her life, I would play small and dumb with her. I would say very little and be very careful not to disagree with her.
I was her walking-on-eggshells-yes-man.
What’s more I did this for almost the entire duration of our relationship out of fear.
Fear of moving up to the #1 position on her Shit List, fear of becoming the anonymous subject of one of her Facebook assaults or worse, fear of being bad-mouthed to our community behind my back.
It was exhausting.
A few months ago while in the midst of a personal growth spurt, I decided that playing small and dumb with her was not living in connection with my authenticity. I decided I had to face the fear of literally being myself with her and no longer allow my fears to mangle my true nature.
It’s almost laughable how quickly I was removed after doing so; however, it did validate what I always knew in my heart to be true – she did to me exactly what I had witnessed her do to many people before me.
I was no different.
Our friendship was conditional on how long I was willing to keep up the charade and wear a mask to keep her happy.
The next time someone unfriends you and you are absolutely clear you have not disrespected, hurt or defamed them in some way rest knowing it wasn’t because you are bad, wrong, inadequate or unworthy.
It’s most likely because you are amazing, beautiful and brilliant!
Rest knowing your Light (awesomeness) was shining on their unhealed places and it was difficult for them to be around a constant reminder of what they have not yet become.
I invite you today to stop playing small in your life.
Be willing to be 100% yourself!
If you lose a “friend” because you let your Light shine, so be it.
Be confident knowing your beautiful, authentic nature is a beacon calling forth new friends who will cherish and value all that you are!
Kristen Brown – Page Admin and Wonderful Friend to Many!
What I’ve Learned About Losing Someone I Thought Was a Friend
I had a friend named Tami, who I shared my heart and soul with. She introduced me to two really cool women, Sherry and Carla. At no time during our years of friendship were all four of us friends. One was always on the outs, rejected for unacceptable behavior, as judged by Tami.
When it was my turn to be ousted for speaking out of turn, I was completely shocked.
I had a friend named Amanda. For a decade we travelled, hiked and hung out. She often spoke horribly about other people; friends, her boyfriend, everyone. She had a strained relationship with her family. She held incredible grudges and forgave no one. In flurries of judgment, she would block and unfriend people on social media.
When it was my turn to be blocked for saying the wrong thing, I was completely shocked.
Both of these experiences hurt so much, and I had a hard time letting them go. I tried to fix, tried to forget, but they kept coming back up in my mind. What had I said or done that was so wrong? So utterly unforgiveable?
“What you can’t be with, won’t let you be.” – Debbie Ford
These experiences were trying to tell me something, because they certainly weren’t letting me be. I felt myself get angry over and over, blaming each of them in my mind for how I got dumped. Then, I saw it.
I saw my finger pointing at them. I saw my blaming, and I know if I have a finger pointing out there, it is time to look in here – inside my own heart. What was the truth? What wasn’t I owning? What was my responsibility in all this?
The truth was, they each showed me exactly who they were, right from the beginning. I chose to look the other way and not believe them. Instead, I subconsciously thought, I would work hard, I would be rock solid, I would earn their acceptance.
But that doesn’t work.
You see, it is not about them. It is about me.
Maya Angelou reminds us, “When people show you who they are, believe them.”
My fear of being alone kept me from acting on all the red flags I’d seen. My unworthiness kept me from setting healthy boundaries with these “friends” the moment I saw their character in how they treated others.
I don’t need to be forgiven by them. I don’t need to fix these broken relationships. I need to take radical responsibility. I chose them!
To heal, I need to remember who I am, and what I am worth.
From that place of worthiness, I can walk away and love them from afar. It was me, after all, not them. They are completely forgiven and so am I.
I’m moving on.
In the future, I am empowered to choose better.
I am empowered to honor my boundaries and my heart.
From there, I can make room for the rock solid grace-filled friendships that show up when I let my light shine from this radically empowered place of healing, worthiness and most of all, love.
Sue Markovitch is a Fitness Coach, Author, Speaker and All-Around Kick Ass Friend! If you would like to discover more about Sue’s awesomeness check out Sue’s website Clear Rock Fitness!
Have you ever lost a friend due to a major life event?
If so, you know how painful it can be. When it happened to me, I was surprised and greatly saddened.
The event was my divorce. My ex and I had been friends with this couple for twenty years. We’d done all the things you do with good friends: dinners, movies, trips, just hanging out. You get the picture.
After I decided to end our eighteen year marriage, she and I went to lunch and she just didn’t want to accept the fact that it was over. “Have you done everything?” “Are you sure you can’t just make it work?”
Truth was, our marriage had been to the brink before and this was simply the end of our journey. It was as amicable as it could be, and I didn’t understand why she couldn’t get on board. I tried to make her understand my reasons, but like many conversations with many other people over the next few months, I was subconsciously needing her approval. I wasn’t getting it.
As a friend I expected her to support me no matter what. After all, I had good reasons for leaving my marriage: money issues, anger issues, etc.
I had done all I could. Weren’t my reasons valid? If the roles were reversed, I would have supported her hands down. Why couldn’t she just be on my side?
Over the next three months while we sold our house, I packed up my life to move back home to Arizona. No calls from either of them, no texts, no reaching out to support my transition. I felt the sadness and frustration you feel when you realize another person has willfully cut you off.
After I moved and was getting settled into my new life, I sent a few text messages in an attempt to keep up communication, only one of which was answered. The response was curt at best.
My greatest dilemma while trying to get through this was:
Weren’t we good friends?
Why can’t she see past her own discomfort with my divorce?
I needed to get past this to get on with my life. So I sent them an email that basically said, “I wish you the best, but I’ve realized that our friendship wasn’t real.” That made me feel better for a minute, but with no response and having not resolved it in my mind, I realized I hadn’t truly dealt with the rejection and disapproval.
So I brought it to my real tribe – the authentic friends who truly do have my back.
It wasn’t just the discussion that followed about having a new perspective, but the fact that they really listened to my story, felt my pain and did not judge me. Instead they helped me own my piece in it.
And that was the hurdle to jump: my piece was needing the approval of someone, that when I really thought about it, had been a very shallow pal.
My peace came with knowing that I didn’t need their approval about my divorce.
I only needed my own.
Lisa Marquis is a practicing Hair Stylist, Truth Seeker , aspiring Author and one helluva Space Holder! Lisa’s divine gifts of logic and compassion coupled with her articulate, sweet, but oh-s0-witty demeanor, make her one of my favorite people! If you would like to follow Lisa on her Facebook biz page, click here: Straight Up Hair