Category: Self-Sabotage

How to Get Comfortable Taking Risks

A few weeks ago, I had a conversation with a friend about taking risks. She said she wasn’t a big risk taker. She also said it seemed to her like I don’t have a lot of fear. I was a little stunned by her observation. I remember saying, “Well, I feel fear. I feel fear all the time. I guess I just don’t attach to it.”

I thought about our conversation for weeks. I wondered how I learned to feel fear, but not attach to it. I thought back to my childhood and what it was like growing up with four brothers and a neighborhood full of boys. The boys were always on the go doing something “scary”. They would roam the neighborhood at night, play rough games or meet up with other kids I didn’t know. As a little girl, those things were quite scary.

Oftentimes they would offer me to come and I wouldn’t respond right away. I’d have to think about it. But during my thinking time, they’d leave, and I’d spend the next couple hours wishing I was with them. Each time the boys returned from their adventures, I would feel regret for allowing my fear to rule me. I would always wish I wasn’t so afraid and had said yes!

Growing up with boys taught me that I didn’t have the luxury to feel fear for long. My young mind learned that even if I feel fear, I must act, or I will miss an opportunity.

I learned to feel the fear and do it anyway.

So, when they asked me to partake in a “scary” activity, I started answering without hesitation. I would say yes! And the super cool part was, the event was never near as scary as my mind had conjured up. I learned my mind had built things up to be so engulfing and overpowering, I was sure I would get hurt or worse die!

I learned to get what we want out of life, to move forward, to experience big stuff, we are going to feel afraid. And our only two choices are to freeze and stop or to grab the opportunity and go.

I will disclaim if there was something I didn’t want to do (like ride my bicycle into the pool!) I didn’t do it. I’m not saying to take physical or emotional risks that can harm you. Risks that you are not equipped to handle, or your intuition is telling you is not a good idea.

What I am telling you is fear is an illusion. It’s a thought we make up in our heads designed to keep us comfortable and to keep us small.

So, when my girlfriend said I don’t look afraid, I am afraid.

I feel fear all the time, but I have learned to push through it because it’s exciting and inspiring!

It feels like I am living to full capacity!

I don’t know about you, but I’m not in the market to play small anymore.

Some of you might know that public speaking was my worst fear. So much so that I’d rather take an “F” for a project in school than to speak in front of people. I would even turn beet red when speaking in front of as little as three friends.

In June 2010, I was in my first month of coaching school. I got invited to be a guest speaker on a local morning television show. Without thinking I said yes, then I completely freaked out. No joke. The gig was weeks away and my heart was already pounding in my chest.

The day arrived, and I sat in the “green room” waiting for my segment. I watched as guest after guest shared their knowledge without skipping a beat.

The fearful thoughts rose up again.

Who I am to be here? Why is this happening? Why did I say yes?! I’m going to get this over with and hightail it out of here. No one will even know I was on the show, so they won’t have to feel embarrassed for me.

Then something magical happened. I wouldn’t have believed it if I hadn’t experienced it myself.

I loved being on that stage!

I loved it so much I skipped out of studio and raced home to watch the recording. My desire to reach and teach large audiences hit me full force! This is what I want to do! Not only did I do okay, they invited me back three more times and referred me to another local show as well!

And even though I felt the same horrific fear each time, I did it anyway!

Recently, I’ve been thinking about measures I need to take to expand my business. I was thinking about how the change required is going to take some risk. This change felt extra risky to me because I had made this same change years ago and it backfired in a big way.

But somewhere deep inside I knew this was the next best step. I also knew the thought, “this is risky” is a thought, nothing more. It is no sign of how my future will play out. It has no power over me. I also know, when I align myself with my intuition, my center and my truth everything always works out.

I also reminded myself my situation is not the same as it was the first time. The circumstances are completely different.

For example, let’s say you were cheated on in a past relationship. You were devastated and heartbroken. Then a new relationship opportunity comes along and you think, “Oh, heck no! I will never do that again because I don’t want to get cheated on again.”

My questions to you would be:

Do you know that thought is true?

Can you absolutely know it is true?

Because it happened in your history does that mean it’s going to happen in your future?

Are you closing off your life?

Are you shutting down because of a thought?

Would you be willing to take a chance if you didn’t believe that thought?

Friends, I’ve been scared. I’ve been petrified. I’ve been anxious, depressed and frozen. I believed things would never get better – that this is what life dealt me and I am basically screwed. My fearful thoughts begot more fearful thoughts creating a dreadful cycle of doom.

But I found a way out. I transcended the doom by realizing those fearful thoughts were not true. Yes, I was dealt a dreadful situation, but it did not dictate my future. I realized that I have the power (as do you) to respond to any situation from a place of fear or a place of inspiration. The choice is mine and the choice yours.

To achieve the life of our dreams, to reach those places we’re craving to reach, we must be willing to transcend our fear. We must be willing to question our fearful thoughts, reveal the truth and be willing to move through them.

Here are four powerful questions to ask yourself:

Am I allowing fear to guide me?

Am I missing out of a great opportunity because I’m afraid?

Do I want to stay imprisoned by my fearful thoughts?

The reason we are not getting what we want out of life is we believe the fearful thoughts standing in our way. We are sabotaging our own greatness, our own fun, our own passions. It’s up to us to ask ourselves: Do I want this or am I going to let another opportunity pass me by?

No person is any greater or more deserving than anyone else. We all have the same capacity for greatness. We are all divinely wired and inspired to live a full life! The difference between us is some people are willing to transcend fear and act while others are not.

Can you guys feel how much I want you to get this message?!

I know you can achieve anything you want!

I invite you today to think about a place in your life where you are holding back out of fear. Whatever the fear may be. The fear of failure? The fear of disapproval? The fear of being disliked?

Whatever fear you come up with, question it.

Question it!

Is it worth giving up the things you crave because of a thought?

Let’s live a no regrets life, friends. Let’s live knowing we ran a good race. We gave it our all. And we did not let fear stand in our way.

Here’s to feeling the fear and doing it anyway!

Check out my podcast episode On Taking Risks (iTunes Link) Don’t forget to leave an iTunes Review!

Chronic Hair Loss in Women May Be Anxiety Related


I have blissfully spent the last 27 years as a hairstylist. I even dropped out of college to embrace my passion. However, this post is not about my career choices, it’s about the common denominator I have discovered among my female clientele who experience chronic hair loss for no known medical reason.

And boy, oh boy, they are always shocked at the remedy I have for them.

I am not a doctor nor do I ascribe to be. (Always consult a medical professional if you are experiencing changes in your body) However, I am a tried and true researcher in my field. I was born fascinated with psychology and the human experience. By nature, I ask a lot of questions and I have come to see many connections/patterns emerge with common struggles that people have over my almost three decades working closely with the public.

What I am about to share is a fascinating tidbit I discovered along my path regarding random chronic hair loss among women, and it is something your own hairdresser may not even know.

For those of you who have experienced random chronic hair loss or patchy balding (alopecia areata) and have undergone extensive testing with your doctor (For example but not limited to: thyroid, adrenals and hormones) and the results were normal, I venture to say you might be suffering from chronic anxiety.

Chronic anxiety is running rampant in our society these days and many people are darn good at hiding it to the world. However, your intense desire to maintain an acceptable facade to the outside world could be causing you great internal distress.

Ladies, your hair may be telling the story you are not.

The sad part is many people are too ashamed to admit what is truly going on inside of them and their lives. They are embarrassed to admit they are scared, anxious, fearful and/or their life is imperfect. They would prefer something biological being the problem than something emotional so they can continue to ignore and hide their shameful places.

When my clients come to me depressed and afraid because they are experiencing random chronic hair loss, I question them thoroughly about their medical testing first. When it appears that “everything is normal”, I delve into what is going on in their personal lives and how they are handling it (their emotional processing system).  Across the board without fail, female clients dealing with random chronic hair loss are struggling (often secretly) with large amounts of stress and anxiety.

The cause is not something physiological, it is emotional.

But here’s the good news, my stressed-out sisters, there is a tried and true remedy to help restore your body and emotions to homeostasis and stop your hair from falling out. It is easy, highly effective and does not cost a cent!

Express your emotions, fears and worries in a healthy way

  • Meditate daily
  • Create and maintain healthy boundaries
  • Exercise

Ladies, ladies, ladies, your body is desperately trying to get your attention. Your hair loss is only a symptom of a greater problem… chronic anxiety. And your chronic anxiety is only the symptom of an even greater problem yet… your lack of self-care.

The remedy is to make yourself a priority and take care of you.

Give yourself permission to be scared, anxious, fearful and imperfect and to speak it out loud! I promise you are not the only one dealing with spousal, child, work or money issues. In fact, I bet if you start to share your struggle, others would be willing to share theirs with you. You would soon discover you are not alone.


Check in with these four anxiety causing areas:

Do I hide my thoughts and emotions?

 Do I withhold truth to keep the peace?

 Do I tread lightly not to offend or to avoid confrontation?

 Do I feel as though I have to do it all?

 If you answered yes to these questions, there is a huge disconnect between your mind, body and spirit. It’s time to admit you are about to lose it and you need help. Running yourself into the ground is not going to help yourself or those you love.

You can start by taking a deep breath and saying these words out loud until you feel the truth of them:

I cannot do it all. It is okay to ask for help. My worth is not determined by being perfect.  

You may be fooling the outside world, but you can never fool your inside world.

To all of you trying to be perfect to deem yourself worthy of love, it’s time to stop. Living within the constructs of unworthiness will inevitably show up negatively in your life in some capacity.


Nothing “out there” is ever going to make you feel accepted and loved other than your own self-acceptance and love.

And here’s how that looks:

  • Honor your feelings
  • Speak your truth
  • Set healthy boundaries
  • Tell people how you feel
  • Be authentic in word and deed
  • Give authentic Yes’s and No’s
  • Give yourself mental breaks (meditation)
  • Calm your heart (deep breathe)
  • Soothe your body (exercise, massage, baths, healthy food)
  • Speak loving, grace-filled words to and about self

Your worth has never been about how perfect you are and it never will be. God doesn’t make mistakes and you were not his first.

It’s time to stop hiding your truth and honor all of who you are. Stand up and say, “I need help right now and it’s okay!” Open your heart, use your voice and know there are better ways to deal with stress. The world is full of great wisdom and healing.

Go find it!

Always consult a medical professional if you are experiencing physical or emotional changes in your body.


Apology Letter to Myself


Dear Sweet Self:

I owe you my deepest apology. I allowed people to treat you as if you didn’t matter. I did not stop people from emotionally and physically abusing you. I ignored your pleas to be heard. Instead I kept seeking love outside of you and kept you in situations where you should have held your head high and walked out.

I didn’t believe there was better love out there. I believed that whatever situation you were in was as good as it would get. I know better now.

I am deeply sorry for putting you through the hell of trying to make you into someone you are not. I could feel you urging me to stop, but I just could not. I didn’t want people to disapprove of your silliness, intelligence, inner beauty and shyness, so I kept you small and hidden. I wanted you to blend in with the crowd so you wouldn’t be made fun of. I’m sorry I dishonored your heart and true essence.

I’m sorry I disrespected your emotions. I only allowed you to feel anger instead of the rainbow of emotions we humans are intended to feel. Emotions that would allow others to see who you really are and connect with you at a soul level.

I’m sorry I compromised your spirit by making you feel powerless to the world. I could feel there was so much more to you, but I was afraid to let the world see who you really are.

I’m sorry I’ve disrespected your body. You very clearly expressed your dislike of alcohol and I didn’t listen because I didn’t want you to stand out. I also allowed men to use your body who did not deserve the sacredness of it. For this I am eternally sorry. I did not understand how precious you really are.

I’m truly sorry I compromised your value by failing to uphold healthy boundaries. I let others walk all over you. I let them hurt you and treat you as if you were nothing other than dirt. You never ever deserved it. It was only a reflection of how little I regarded your worth.

Sweet self, I promise you, I will always, always do my best to protect and love you. You are my priority now. Thank you for unconditionally loving me and forgiving me before I even asked.

I want you to know that I’m in charge now and everything is going to be okay! I have been reborn. I get it now! From this point forward you are my priority.

I love you.


Are You Resilient and Don’t Even Know It?


I have been called “strong” as long as I can remember; however, these remarks often perplexed me. What is it about me that appears so strong? I certainly don’t feel strong! If they only knew how afraid I was they wouldn’t be saying this at all. Inside, I am a frightened little girl waiting for the next traumatic event to befall my life. What is it about my behavior that compels people to speak this over me time and time again?

These thoughts and questions swirled in my head for decades. Always leaving me as perplexed as the time before. I just didn’t get it.

Then one day, it became clear.

By definition resiliency is:

the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties; toughness

Strong is just another word for resilient and resiliency was a definition I could identify with. Funny how a simple change in nomenclature made sense out of years of confusion.

I’ve written many articles on resiliency and each piece took on a life of its own. There are many ways to achieve resiliency just as there are many paths to God or spiritual enlightenment. But today I’m going to focus on one piece. It’s the piece that was modeled for me so distinctly by the most resilient woman I know, my mother. And that piece is:

To keep going no matter what.

No matter if it was my father’s adulterous affair, the tragic death of my brother at age 16, the illness’ and subsequent deaths of her parents, my parents’ divorce, her cancer diagnosis or her double knee replacement, she always responded the same way – with resiliency.

She kept going no… matter… what.  

I believe because resiliency was modeled so powerfully in my home, it became part of who I am. There were no words spoken to me about it, no cheerleading, it just was. This is how we handle times like this. This is how we do heavy. This is how we keep going when we are frightened, sad or shattered.

Even though I had a tremendous role model, it does not mean it came easy. Resiliency is a choice. A day to day and sometimes minute by minute choice.

The choice to rise up as a victor instead of adopting victimhood.

The choice to see the blessings in the mire instead of suffocating under its sludge.

The choice to reposition the heavy weight rather than giving up and quitting.


This might come as a shock to some of you, but a couple years back when I was first asked to write a piece on resiliency, I had to look up the definition. Prior to that, I had no clear idea of what it really meant.

Simply by discovering the word and its definition, I was able to identify a force inside myself that I had not yet been able to label.

Resilient. I am resilient. I choose a forward path. I keep moving forward no matter what. I refuse to be anyone’s victim. A setback is not the end of my life. There is more life to live. Other’s bad choices are not a reflection of my goodness and worth. I get to choose how I view and handle my own life. This is my personal freedom and my right. Bad things are going to happen and I cannot stop them, but I can sure choose how I will respond to them and…

I will keep going no matter what!

Unfortunately, not many of us have resiliency modeled for us in our youths and even if we do, our personality may choose a different response to our situation.

What my mother didn’t speak, but probably understood was that no difficulty is forever. It passes eventually. Life is a series of events challenging us to step into our higher selves – to evolve into our richness and destiny. No “thing” out there can beat us unless we allow it.

By no means am I suggesting we emotionally bypass the pain that comes our way. That is not resiliency, it is rug sweeping and numbing. It is a grand gesture of avoidance that will only repress the pain and fear for a little while. Eventually we will have to meet it again face to face.

Resiliency is about feeling the feelings, letting them out, talking about the situation to a trusted friend, then choosing your next best step. It’s about releasing attachment to the future by funneling all your energy into the present moment knowing God is leading you one tiny step at a time.

Resiliency is to keep going no matter what.

How Jealousy Can Change the Trajectory of Your Life


It was recently brought to my attention that some people delete their Facebook accounts because they hate to see other people’s happy lives. This notion took me by surprise as it was something I, personally, have not considered.

Naturally, it got me thinking.

Is it possible my Facebook posts piss people off? Is someone out there jealous of the happy times I share? Could I be the reason someone shuts down their Facebook?

If I knew this to be true, I would respond like this:

My family and I have gone through more tribulations than most people I know. I’ve shared quite a bit of it on Facebook and my blogs, although there is much more that I keep behind the scenes to protect the privacy of others.

But in spite of our trials, we’ve triumphed. I’m now watching the manifestation of my focal points taking form in the physical world. I find myself mesmerized as I watch one beautiful moment after another unfold around me. In awestruck wonder, I often ask myself:

Is this really happening? Do you see what I see? Is this really the beneficial reaping of my focus, determination and healing?

 Each sweet moment, every tiny victory and each step of spiritual growth has become super important to me. I cherish it. I roll around in it. I allow it to integrate into my spirit.

Posting on Facebook is my personal way of shouting from the mountaintops with outstretched arms, “Thank you, God! I see what I have, I’m receiving it and I’m so incredibly grateful!”

My hope would be for you to understand where I’ve been and how important celebrating my “good stuff” is for me.

One might be thinking,  You just don’t understand. My life is a mess. Nothing goes my way. It’s hard for me to be happy for anyone because I’m so miserable.

Oh, my dear… I understand more than you know. And you have the power to change that.

In my not-so-distant past, I was in the gutter so low I felt my life was over. I believed a happy life was only reserved for others. Depression, anxiety, self-loathing and negativity were oozing out of my pores.

In December of 2010 all my brothers and their families were gathered at our mother’s house for Christmas. Everyone was joyfully chatting and laughing with their spouses by their sides. I had just entered “my tsunami”. My husband had abandoned our family and left us homeless and incomeless. I couldn’t get past the belief that I was the “loser divorced child”. I desperately wanted what they had.

I could barely contain my depression, sadness and unworthiness. I wanted to hide out in my room until the holiday was over then slink back into my dreadful existence without anyone watching. It was a painfully lonely and shameful time.

However, after a couple days of my self-induced hell, I reminded myself of something…

Their lives aren’t perfect. No one’s is. They have their own trials and tribulations too. Their “stuff” just looks different than mine does. I’m not broken, flawed or beyond redemption! My life simply took a weird ass left turn and I have some grieving and healing to do. Nothing more. Nothing less.

In that moment, I chose a different perception and with no prompting, the density of my emotion began to ease up. I chose to view the happiness and well-being of others as a place I wanted to return to, not a place of jealousy and self-loathing.  

 I chose thoughts that would put me on the trajectory of victory rather than thoughts that kept me rooted in the ghastly hell of victimhood.

And you can too.

Pity parties are desperately unproductive. Sometimes we have to kick our own butt and get back in the game!

So I ask you, dear friend, do you see other people’s lives through the filter of regret, despair, loneliness, discouragement, jealousy and/or unworthiness?

If you answered Yes, you can change your path right now by focusing on these

3 Steps That Will Change Your Life Trajectory:

  1.  Focus on what is going right in your life instead of what is not. No matter what storm we are in, there are always blessings afoot. Take notice and practice gratitude.
  2. Celebrate others’ happiness and victories. Focusing on others’ “good stuff” creates an energetic change in you thus an energetic change in your direction. When we focus on better feeling emotions, we align ourselves for better experiences to come our way.
  3. View others’ “good stuff” as a point of reference. Instead of being jealous or resentful of their life, use their experience to inspire you to reach higher for yourself and your family. If they can have it, so can you! When we align ourselves with healing, healing will come.

Our experience of life is how we choose to perceive it. We can choose to see life through bitterness, resentment and jealousy or we can choose to recognize our blessings and others’ blessings as a point of attraction we want more of.

Just as wallowing in despair will give you more to despair about, basking in your blessings will bring you more to bask about!

Much Love,