Category: Self-Esteem & Confidence

Ladies: Is Your Number Getting too High?

tic marks

I learned the pop culture term number from the young adults in my life. In today’s language, it refers to the amount of people we’ve had sex with. The mere fact that this is a thing within our youth, says a lot. People are always paying attention to how we conduct ourselves sexually.

Society has seemingly made promiscuity okay for men, but multiple partners takes on a completely differently meaning for women. Throughout the centuries, one might typically be called a whore or a slut if her number is too high suggesting she is giving away the “cookie” (as Steve Harvey refers to it) too often and easily.

However, I see a high number in a completely different way. So, let’s take the words whore and slut out of this conversation because judgment will only interfere with this very important message.

Without even knowing you personally, I can bank on a few reasons why you continually give up the cookie too soon:

  1. You believe sex will secure the relationship.
  2. You believe a man’s sexual desire for you means he is interested
  3. You have no idea how truly valuable you are.

Most men are driven by a primal need to disperse his seed. It is built into his physiology to procreate. He is easily turned on visually and when touch is added, he’s quickly pushed to the point of no return. Most often he will do or say anything to get what his body is craving. Remember the Meatloaf song “Paradise by Dashboard Lights?

Considering these hard facts, it’s almost stupid how easy it is to get a man to have sex with you. (To be frank, it’s really no great accomplishment)

Then once in throes of tongues, thrusts and sweat, the cookie-giver tends to think: Look how much he wants me. I’m special and different than all the other women. He won’t be able to live without me!

Until he loses interest and stops calling. Ouch.


Why? Because to a man sex is never about securing a relationship. Period.

There’s a sad truth afoot here, ladies… men can pretty much get their rocks off with anyone, even with himself.  You are not special and you are not different than any orgasm before you.

At least not yet!

When we have sex with a prospective partner too soon, we mistake his sexual desire for love and affection. Sure, he may think you are cute and funny, but he hasn’t even gotten to know you. All that happened was you provided an outlet for his innate primal desire.

Even if he does stick around for a bit, he hasn’t connected to your personality, your values or your soul. He wasn’t given the time. The only thing that’s been established is you are willing to screw. Is that really what you want your worth to be judged by?

I didn’t think so.  Please read on.

The point when a man truly connects with and commits to a woman does not come from sex. It arises organically when the woman keeps a steady pace of abstinence until the man has earned the right to be with her.

I’m not making this up. Any emotionally healthy, self-aware man will tell you this.

Emotionally healthy men are highly attracted to and stay with women who are confident, know their worth and formulate healthy boundaries for him to honor and respect.

Unless or until you start treating yourself as valuable, your number will continue to increase without the payoff of a lifetime partner you so desperately crave.

Let’s break this down into 3 Simple Truths:

Simple Truth #1:

Your vagina is not your worth.

 If you could readily adopt that idea, I’d stop writing right now. But chances are you don’t yet fully understand.

Stop listening to the BS society and the media throws at you. Your eyebrows, hair, clothes, toenails and fancy Cirque de Solei sex positions is not what secures an emotionally healthy man. He may enjoy those things, but they will not ensure a lifetime commitment. Sure, there are superficial dudes out there who only care about how you look on his arm, but all you will ever be is a thing to make him feel better about who he is.

Not really what you’re looking for is it?

Simple Truth #2:

A man wants a woman who is authentic, open-hearted and acts in alignment with her own worth.

After years of poor choices and behaviors stemming from my own unworthiness, I learned a man is truly looking for a woman to feel safe with. Yep, you heard me! He craves safety and intimacy just like you do.

A woman tossing out the cookie left and right does not yield safety I assure you.

A safe woman is one who understands her value and is willing to act in accordance with her worth thus becoming a shining beacon amidst a tumultuous hurricane of cookies flying everywhere.

When a man feels authentic truth, self-worth and integrity within a woman, he will do what it takes to secure her to him. This is the point she becomes special and different. And if he doesn’t, he is not a man of integrity and you should move on as fast as possible.

Simple Truth #3:

Men desire connection and safety just as much as women.

An emotionally healthy man will choose a woman who makes him feel safe over a flamboyant romp in the sack every time.

Have you ever stayed in a relationship too long waiting for him to commit only to watch him marry the next woman he meets? What did she have that you didn’t? Oftentimes, a man doesn’t even know what he is looking for until that glowing, confident, self-assured women whirls into his life. She can be a game changer for even the most steadfast of bachelors.


Sisters, there is a way out of the ever increasing “numbers” game and into the arms of a wonderful man so listen up.

Step One: Recognize you have a pattern of giving up the cookie-too soon.

Step Two: Let yourself off the hook. You are not a whore. You have only mistakenly believed that you could gain love by offering your body. Give yourself grace and forgiveness for acting in a way that did not support your highest self.

Step Three: Stop dating until you do the work to heal your self-worth and unequivocally know you are able to protect and support your sacred self in your next relationship.

And always remember there is nothing more attractive and stimulating to an emotionally healthy man than a woman who values herself.

Apology Letter to Myself


Dear Sweet Self:

I owe you my deepest apology. I allowed people to treat you as if you didn’t matter. I did not stop people from emotionally and physically abusing you. I ignored your pleas to be heard. Instead I kept seeking love outside of you and kept you in situations where you should have held your head high and walked out.

I didn’t believe there was better love out there. I believed that whatever situation you were in was as good as it would get. I know better now.

I am deeply sorry for putting you through the hell of trying to make you into someone you are not. I could feel you urging me to stop, but I just could not. I didn’t want people to disapprove of your silliness, intelligence, inner beauty and shyness, so I kept you small and hidden. I wanted you to blend in with the crowd so you wouldn’t be made fun of. I’m sorry I dishonored your heart and true essence.

I’m sorry I disrespected your emotions. I only allowed you to feel anger instead of the rainbow of emotions we humans are intended to feel. Emotions that would allow others to see who you really are and connect with you at a soul level.

I’m sorry I compromised your spirit by making you feel powerless to the world. I could feel there was so much more to you, but I was afraid to let the world see who you really are.

I’m sorry I’ve disrespected your body. You very clearly expressed your dislike of alcohol and I didn’t listen because I didn’t want you to stand out. I also allowed men to use your body who did not deserve the sacredness of it. For this I am eternally sorry. I did not understand how precious you really are.

I’m truly sorry I compromised your value by failing to uphold healthy boundaries. I let others walk all over you. I let them hurt you and treat you as if you were nothing other than dirt. You never ever deserved it. It was only a reflection of how little I regarded your worth.

Sweet self, I promise you, I will always, always do my best to protect and love you. You are my priority now. Thank you for unconditionally loving me and forgiving me before I even asked.

I want you to know that I’m in charge now and everything is going to be okay! I have been reborn. I get it now! From this point forward you are my priority.

I love you.


Are You Giving Up On Your Dream Too Soon?



Do you feel like you are going nowhere? That no matter how hard you work to achieve your big dream, it feels forever out of reach? I imagine you’ve even entertained the notion of giving up more often than you’d like to admit. I hear you, brothers and sisters, because I have too. There’s no shame in questioning if our dream will ever come to pass. It’s what we do after questioning that matters most.

People like you and I are seekers on a quest to live the best life we can. We work hard for our dreams and desperately desire to see them come to fruition. Waiting for our dreams to manifest can feel frustrating and often lead to diminished motivation or entertaining thoughts of quitting altogether.

But it doesn’t have to!

It’s paramount to remind ourselves during these moments of doubt, that big dreams don’t often arrive a week after we conjure them up. (At least none of mine ever have) More often than not they take longer than we’d like. We also tend to forget to recognize how far we’ve actually come. It’s important to know that much is happening behind the scenes while we wait. The gap between dreaming and achieving is for a very good reason…

We are simply being prepared.

The truth is we may not yet have the courage, skills, knowledge or confidence to support and be successful in our dream the moment we conjure it up. We may have places in us that need to advance and evolve in order to be ready for the arrival of our dream. In other words, we may have more work to do before our dream would survive and thrive with us.

The good news is – because there is always good news – the gap between our dream and its fruition is always divinely guided.


The Universe knows exactly what we need and provides us with opportunities to hone our skills, heal our unworthy places and cultivate confidence. In the gap we are invited to stretch outside our comfort zone to become the person who is fully ready to receive and thrive within her dream’s fruition.

The wait is always purposeful!

Our dreams rarely arrive in one swift Ta-Da! Instead they tend to show up in incremental small victories leading up to the big show. These small victories are the stepping stones to our success. By tracking, measuring and celebrating each one, we shorten the gap between dreaming and receiving because it fuels our energy which creates and maintains a resilient forward trajectory!

small-victories-jump out window

When you feel yourself wanting to rush through life to get “there”, remind yourself to observe how far you’ve actually come. Celebrate all you’ve acquired while journeying toward your dream. If you look close enough, you will see much has already been gained.

Hold your small victories close to your heart.

Integrate them into your spirit.

Allow them to cultivate your confidence and keep your dream alive!

Don’t wait for someone else to cheer you on. You are your own best cheerleader.

And remember, you are closer than you think!

You Only Need Your Own Approval


The world can be a cruel and painful place to exist. But…only if we believe what others are saying about us.

Someone is always going to have an opinion about what we are doing or saying. We can’t stop it. We also have to know that every single person on this planet is going to see life and other people through their own lenses – lenses that were created by their upbringings, experiences and egoic illusions. Some people have not questioned or undone the rules, dogma or beliefs imposed on them from others and are still living with the confines of an imposed way of thinking. Hence, their automatic response is judgment.

When we work really hard to please everyone around us, we only end up hurting ourselves and playing small in order for others to be comfortable. By doing this, we actually teach them that what they think or say matters more to us than what we think about ourselves.

The problem is we cannot ever please others to the extent we want to and we end up a shriveled up portion of what are truly meant to be. It takes a tremendous amount of energy to bob and weave through our perceptions of what another person wants from us.


We spend so much time trying to be what we think they want us to be that we forget who we are and what we want in this life.

We are afraid of losing their love so we falsify ourselves or wear masks that inappropriately fit our souls. We get comfortable being uncomfortable then question why we are not truly happy.

How can we be happy when wearing something that does not fit us correctly? It eventually chafes and rubs and wears away at our essence thus creating unhappiness and dis-ease.

When we give energy to any thought or issue that is not ours to own and work on, we burn away our precious light. We end up spending time where we have no business being.

The amazing teacher of “The Work”, Byron Katie states, “Whose business are in you? Yours? Your neighbor’s? Or God’s? If you are in any business that is not your own, you are wasting your energy.”

The less amount of time spent trying to bob and weave through others issues, the better. We are here to better ourselves not diminish ourselves in order to please the world.


Unconsciously, I used to live in a mind where I played small. I have a very large family, a lot of friends and many clients and each one is so incredibly different. In order not to create upheaval, lose love or make someone uncomfortable (myself included), I would withhold saying or doing things that would demonstrate my authentic nature or bring me joy. That included speaking light-filled new perceptions that could actually help another person.

The truth is not all people are ready and willing to hear what we have to say. Even if we say the words dripping with chocolate syrup and topped with a plump cherry, they may still grimace, change the subject or create distance. Which often leaves us feeling disapproved of, abandoned, stupid and/or unworthy. Hence, we dim our light, keep a low profile, shut the hell up and play small.

Others reactions used to hurt me a lot until I learned that what others do or say (how they process) has nothing to do with me. As long as I am being respectful, kind and speaking words rooted in love, I have nothing to fear. Additionally, I learned that by playing small I was constricting my own growth and the potential growth of others.

Your Authenticity Can Help Others

Since the playing small version of ourselves never benefits anyone, what does the playing big version do?

When we do the work to heal own our self-worth – knowing in our soul that all that we are is not only enough but brilliant in its own right – we actually bring light to the world! We actually contribute to global healing by simply demonstrating our authentic essence. Sound a little fantastical? Well, it’s not.

Our “essence” is the God Source inside us all. It is core of our being – the good, the beautiful, the compassionate, the creative and the joyful place.

By being courageous enough to be 100% genuine we are giving others permission to be 100% genuine. We are giving others permission to tap into their essence as well.

Vulnerability begets vulnerability. It may not happen in a nanosecond, but over time your openness may lead another to living an authentic life too.

Furthermore, two authentic people build solid foundations of friendships and intimacy rather than two pleasers dancing around one another’s idea of what their person wants from them.


When deep connections of love, trust and companionship take root, it begins to reach further out into each person’s intimate circle and the pattern continues on and on. We may think we are a tiny speck on a planet in our world and we cannot possibly make a difference, but our thinking is wrong.

We make a difference:

Every time we choose love

Every time we choose kindness

Every time we choose authenticity

Every time we speak love-rooted truth

Every time we respect ourselves


Every time we open our hearts.

However, we are not always going to witness what our authentic nature is creating. We don’t always get the immediate pat on the back or confirmation statements from others and our ego may try to trick us into thinking we are wrong in our authentic nature.

Sometimes we must blindly trust that which is ringing in our souls. We must learn to listen to ourselves and go where our heart and soul leads us without the “ok” from the rest of the world. We already know the Right things to do; we just need to cultivate the courage to do it.

We must learn to surrender to when and where shift happens and know that everything rooted Love serves. Period.

Each one of us comes here with a purpose – a divine purpose to shine our light in the world. To be all that we are meant to be and live a purpose driven, love-centered life. It starts with accepting and loving all that you innately are by sharing your genuine self with the world no matter what others think.


How To Have Difficult Conversations – Audio Interview With Kristen Brown

It has almost become a societal norm to avoid topics that could potentially make our person uncomfortable or squirmy and instead of forging through the discomfort to gain clarity and a deeper connection, we oftentimes choose silence.

As most of you may know, this doesn’t work. Silence only causes additional drama, deeper discomfort and even greater confusion.

One of the hardest things we face in new relationships is venturing into the world of difficult topics; however, by forming a plan and honoring our worth first, we can make this venture a whole lot easier!

If you’d like to learn more about having difficult conversations, take a few minutes to absorb the interview between myself and a popular website I frequently contribute written articles to.

There is a lot of information jam packed into this ten minutes! Enjoy!

I’d love to hear your thoughts!

Much Love,

Kristen Brown