Category: Changing Perceptions

How to Develop a Growth Mindset

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Open Your Mind to New Information

 All change is spawned from a desire to experience something different in our lives. The desire provokes information seeking and the new information allows us to adopt a new perception and alter the way we’ve been responding/reacting/behaving to situations in our lives. But we cannot activate forward movement if we have closed our minds to new information.

I coach a lot of people. The ones successful in their healing are the ones who open their minds to new information. They have realized what they know is not working and they must acquire additional knowledge in order to change things up.

A change in perception creates a change in direction.

We need to be willing to get rid of what was not working (our old way of thinking) and replace it with a new thought and a willingness to do things differently. We do that by educating ourselves in the areas we are seeking to change.

A closed mind and/or general stubbornness will always block any chance we have of moving forward and changing our lives. That is why the most important thing we need to do is learn to open our minds and release the need to control by doing it “all my way.”

To initiate change, we must first understand that we are the only authority over our lives. Even though we are taking in new information, that does not necessarily make it gospel. After educating ourselves with new knowledge and wisdom, we must process the information through our own being, our own soul and decide what feels right and true for us. The only way to tell what to keep and what to toss is by soul discernment – running the information through our inner knowing.

We will know when we have hit the right perception because it will resonate deep inside our being. It will feel good, inspiring and might even bring a sense of relief or tears. Yet again, remember the truth cannot resonate if we have closed our mind. Our block will only continue to deflect the truth coming our way and we will remain stuck.

Additionally, the truth may not always be what we want to hear. Again, this is where soul discernment comes in. You might hear yourself saying: I know what I need to do, it’s just hard/scary to take that step.

Rest knowing that just because you have gained a new perception, it doesn’t necessarily mean you must make a massive leap immediately. Sometimes we have more learning and growing to accomplish before we are prepared to take the necessary step. Trust that you will know when the time is right for you. In the meantime, keep your mind open and soak up all the knowledge and wisdom you can!

Daily Mantra:

My heart and mind are open to new knowledge and wisdom.  And so it is.

Your Failed Relationships Can Change Your Life

The days, weeks and months post break-up are the most important part of our recovery process. Why? Because it is the time we are the most raw and do the most reflecting. During this time, we tend to replay conversations and scenarios in our head and examine all aspects of the relationship.

It is also the time we tend to assign blame to our ex and stand righteously behind why we were done so wrong.

He did me so wrong! I was so abused and mistreated. What a jerk/bitch! How dare she!

Short-term it feels great to the ego to point the finger outward; however, long-term it serves nothing.

When we place 100% blame on our partner and are unwilling to see the part we played (no matter how minute it seems) we will continue to bring our own dysfunctional relationship patterns into every future relationship we have.

Let me explain further…

Each relationship we experience is a classroom for us to grow in. If we look only at the places our ex needs to grow, we will never learn what is intended for us and we will continue to attract relationships that will attempt to show us ourselves.

Do you want to experience another dysfunctional relationship, another breakup? Do you really think you played no part? Does the need to be right and place total blame on your ex really trump your own emotional growth and wellness?

It wasn’t until I experienced the worst betrayal of my life did I finally open my mind to the idea that I had played a part in the downfall of my failed relationships.

I finally recognized I was the common denominator. I was the who allowed my partners to dishonor and disrespect me. That was my contribution. It didn’t matter if my part was only 10% or not as destructive as his; I still had to take complete responsibility for what part was mine. My relationships served to show me that I was not honoring or respecting myself.

Recognize the Common Theme

If we truly open our minds and look close enough, we will see the common theme that runs through all our failed relationships. Here is a few examples of common themes.

I invite you to keep an open mind as one or several of the following may look familiar to you:

• You are fearful of communication
• You are too walled off to allow someone close
• You let your partners walk all over you then resent them for it
• You choose people who are exciting (i.e. Bad boys) rather than partners who are rich in character
• You attract commitment phobes or are one yourself
• You think nothing of yourself therefore you partners treat you like nothing
• You lie to avoid confrontation
• You avoid difficult subjects
• You allow your partner to get away with bad behavior
• You fail to set and maintain healthy boundaries
• You fail to take care of yourself for fear of losing their love
• You have high expectations that no “human” could ever meet

Discovering your common theme is…

The First Step

This is when the magic happens!

We cannot heal what we do not know exists. Once you become clear on your part of the equation, celebrate it!

I am so grateful I discovered my pattern of _______! I will focus on doing the work to heal this disempowered pattern so I may dissolve it for good!

Friends, I could not maintain appropriate boundaries with my partners when they were clearly wrong. I’d pout, cry, talk, talk, talk, and talk, threaten and yell, but nothing would ever change. I couldn’t set boundaries because I was afraid I would lose their love or the relationship would end. I was weak and afraid. I banked my self-worth on how they thought of me and fell short of empowerment every time it mattered most.

I had no idea I was a doormat and repeatedly attracted men who treated me the way I treated myself.

When I recognized my common theme, focused on my healing and learned to transcend my disempowered places, my boundaries became unwavering because I was no longer afraid of losing the love. My emotional health and well-being had become more important to me than anything.

Not long after doing the work, as if by magic, I attracted a man who reciprocally loves and respects me. A man who works with me, grows with me and complements my personality beautifully.

And the same can happen for you!

Open Your Mind and Be Gentle With You

Please understand you are a work in progress just like everyone else. Give yourself grace for the points of healing you discover within yourself. Beating yourself up will only strengthen and perpetuate the unworthiness behind your fearful and disempowered behavior.

Rest knowing your healing will change the dynamic of all your relationships for the better and forever!

Allow a sense of freedom to wash over you as you now have been released from a hidden place inside yourself that has dictated the theme in your relationships. You are now on path to attracting the relationship of your dreams!

Contact me at sweetempowement@gmail.com for a FREE 30 minute coaching session to get your started!

I believe in you!

Stop Feeling Guilty for ‘Me Time’ – It’s Actually Benefiting Your Children

I woke up the other day feeling a bit antsy and irritable. Since that is not typical Kristen character, I checked in with myself by asking:

What’s missing? What do I need right now?

The answer was emphatically clear. I need more me time.

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I knew immediately I had fallen into the guilt trap a-gain! Because guilt is the only reason I refrain from taking me time. Straight up, no chaser.

Six years post tsunami, two years rockin’ a new book, a successful coaching practice and multitudes of self-empowerment blogs and articles in my portfolio and I still fall prey to the guilt monster. ((sigh))

Here’s what the despicable beast sounds like:

You need to be available for your family all of the time.

You cannot take care of yourself until everyone else is set.

You’re last on the list.

Everyone’s needs trump yours.

Do any of these thoughts sound familiar to you? If yes, read on, my friend!

Yesterday I had a fabulous conversation with my dear friend, Sherry. I shared how guilt stops me from doing the things I want to do for me. Things that expand my soul, grow my spirit, fill my life and make me feel good. Sherry understood far too well as she too experiences the same voices in her head and allows them to control her actions as well.

In fact, Sherry suffers from a chronic illness right now that oftentimes puts her to bed for days. She expressed to me how she often pushes past the needs of her body to alleviate guilt she would feel for taking care of herself. Which only then exacerbates her weakened state and categorically adds days to her down time.

Sherry and I agreed we both would have benefitted from more quality attention in our youths and due to our desire to do things “better”, we’ve overcompensated in a bad way.

Mommies, what are we doing to ourselves?!

Here’s what I know for sure.

Over-correcting is not the way to do it.

Giving ourselves away at the expense of our own well-being and self-care never serves anyone. It runs us ragged while it may enable our children to be self-serving, demanding, unable to work out their own problems, unable to keep themselves occupied and/or keep them locked in a state of instant gratification.

Keep in mind they don’t have to act like Veruca Salt to be exhibiting these behaviors. They can be subtle and manipulative as well. Believe me, our kid’s got our number!

Disclaimer: This does not mean we have horrible children. They aren’t purposefully trying to drain the life out of us. They’ve been tended to from birth and unless we set boundaries, they will continue to seek our tending because they won’t know any better.

You see, when we compromise our sacred self, we sacrifice our self-worth and we simply will not show up as the lightest and brightest version of ourselves.

It’s impossible because we are not tending to ourselves as a whole. It’s like washing, waxing and polishing only half of a filthy car. We only show up a fraction of our full potential.

The first sign I recognize when I’ve been putting myself last is irritability. Then I notice a deep internal pull to be doing something else. I feel empty, antsy, half-interested, detached, going through motions, pretending I’m listening but zoning out and the worst part is the feelings of resentment that sometimes come. The very thing I’m trying to avoid, I actually create!

Which then begs the questions:

Is it really better to give all of me away?

Are my beloveds getting the best  version of me when I’m not tending to my soul?

Are my children really getting a better experience than I had?

Am I teaching them patience, boundaries and self-care by running myself ragged?

When put like that, the answer becomes emphatically clear.

No.

Being a mommy doormat is not serving to our children or to us.

So let’s get off the problem and onto the solution. 

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What does it look like when we do carve out more me time?

For me, I’m more centered, engaged and relaxed. I don’t feel rushed or harried. I am better focused, happier, more patient and definitely more present. Hands down, I’m a better version of me when I take care of myself and stop putting everyone’s needs above my own.

I would be remiss if I did not mention that I understand everyone’s situations are different. I’ve seen a lot in my 26 years working closely with the public and I understand it’s not always easy to etch out the space we desperately need.

I want to encourage those of you who do have extenuating circumstance to do your best to whittle out some me time. If there is a will, there is a way! It might be uncomfortable at first as you work through your limiting beliefs and guilt, but I implore you to keep at it!

You cannot  be your best self if you are not treating yourself as valuable.

To all the mommas out there who find yourself pinched up and beginning to begrudge your role as mother, I implore you to heed the words herein. Do you want to be an average momma or do you want to be an exemplary momma?

Remember we are the greatest role models for our children. We have the choice to model doormathood or to model loving self-care.

Trust in knowing your self-care will benefit your children as much as it will benefit you!

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Here’s to guilt-free (if there is such a thing) parenting!

I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Much Love,

Kristen

How Jealousy Can Change the Trajectory of Your Life

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It was recently brought to my attention that some people delete their Facebook accounts because they hate to see other people’s happy lives. This notion took me by surprise as it was something I, personally, have not considered.

Naturally, it got me thinking.

Is it possible my Facebook posts piss people off? Is someone out there jealous of the happy times I share? Could I be the reason someone shuts down their Facebook?

If I knew this to be true, I would respond like this:

My family and I have gone through more tribulations than most people I know. I’ve shared quite a bit of it on Facebook and my blogs, although there is much more that I keep behind the scenes to protect the privacy of others.

But in spite of our trials, we’ve triumphed. I’m now watching the manifestation of my focal points taking form in the physical world. I find myself mesmerized as I watch one beautiful moment after another unfold around me. In awestruck wonder, I often ask myself:

Is this really happening? Do you see what I see? Is this really the beneficial reaping of my focus, determination and healing?

 Each sweet moment, every tiny victory and each step of spiritual growth has become super important to me. I cherish it. I roll around in it. I allow it to integrate into my spirit.

Posting on Facebook is my personal way of shouting from the mountaintops with outstretched arms, “Thank you, God! I see what I have, I’m receiving it and I’m so incredibly grateful!”

My hope would be for you to understand where I’ve been and how important celebrating my “good stuff” is for me.

One might be thinking,  You just don’t understand. My life is a mess. Nothing goes my way. It’s hard for me to be happy for anyone because I’m so miserable.

Oh, my dear… I understand more than you know. And you have the power to change that.

In my not-so-distant past, I was in the gutter so low I felt my life was over. I believed a happy life was only reserved for others. Depression, anxiety, self-loathing and negativity were oozing out of my pores.

In December of 2010 all my brothers and their families were gathered at our mother’s house for Christmas. Everyone was joyfully chatting and laughing with their spouses by their sides. I had just entered “my tsunami”. My husband had abandoned our family and left us homeless and incomeless. I couldn’t get past the belief that I was the “loser divorced child”. I desperately wanted what they had.

I could barely contain my depression, sadness and unworthiness. I wanted to hide out in my room until the holiday was over then slink back into my dreadful existence without anyone watching. It was a painfully lonely and shameful time.

However, after a couple days of my self-induced hell, I reminded myself of something…

Their lives aren’t perfect. No one’s is. They have their own trials and tribulations too. Their “stuff” just looks different than mine does. I’m not broken, flawed or beyond redemption! My life simply took a weird ass left turn and I have some grieving and healing to do. Nothing more. Nothing less.

In that moment, I chose a different perception and with no prompting, the density of my emotion began to ease up. I chose to view the happiness and well-being of others as a place I wanted to return to, not a place of jealousy and self-loathing.  

 I chose thoughts that would put me on the trajectory of victory rather than thoughts that kept me rooted in the ghastly hell of victimhood.

And you can too.

Pity parties are desperately unproductive. Sometimes we have to kick our own butt and get back in the game!

So I ask you, dear friend, do you see other people’s lives through the filter of regret, despair, loneliness, discouragement, jealousy and/or unworthiness?

If you answered Yes, you can change your path right now by focusing on these

3 Steps That Will Change Your Life Trajectory:

  1.  Focus on what is going right in your life instead of what is not. No matter what storm we are in, there are always blessings afoot. Take notice and practice gratitude.
  2. Celebrate others’ happiness and victories. Focusing on others’ “good stuff” creates an energetic change in you thus an energetic change in your direction. When we focus on better feeling emotions, we align ourselves for better experiences to come our way.
  3. View others’ “good stuff” as a point of reference. Instead of being jealous or resentful of their life, use their experience to inspire you to reach higher for yourself and your family. If they can have it, so can you! When we align ourselves with healing, healing will come.

Our experience of life is how we choose to perceive it. We can choose to see life through bitterness, resentment and jealousy or we can choose to recognize our blessings and others’ blessings as a point of attraction we want more of.

Just as wallowing in despair will give you more to despair about, basking in your blessings will bring you more to bask about!

Much Love,

KB

People Who Need to Be Right – A Collaborative Column

Dearest Readers,

This is a very powerful column as each one of us delves into a different perspective. As you might notice there is a running theme throughout… Self-Worth. I hope you find inspiration in what you read!

Much Love, KB

kristen-bio  KRISTEN BROWN

Chances are you’ve come across this article because someone in your life is driving you mad with his/her need to be right. It’s likely they are ridiculously aggravating to be around and you might even be considering relinquishing the relationship.

Before you make a rash decision, let’s take a deeper look into what may be going on behind the scenes.

My personal healing path combined with decades of research and close contact with the public has taught me a few things about people who stubbornly have to be right:

  1. They feel powerless in their life and often become stubborn as a means to feel like they are in control. They are often individuals who give away their power easily.
  2. They have a deep belief of unworthiness or inadequacy based on words spoken over them or life circumstance. Unfortunately, these people “right fight” in order to show others what they feel has been overlooked – their value as a brilliant and equivalent contributor.
  3. Their “right fighting” is a raw and real plea to be seen and heard – to matter to someone. It is a cry for love and acceptance.

Most of us know we cannot change others. However, our “difficult” relationships offer us a magnificent growth point for ourselves!

Other’s annoying behavior is often a clever design of the Universe to help us uncover the shadow (unhealed wounds) we need to work on.

The times we are judging the most are the times we actually need to look closer within to learn where we might possess the same trait. It’s called projection.

So the question then becomes…

Do I have a need to be right?

At first glance, you might be unwilling to see where “right fighting” is true in yourself, because self-responsibility begins the fragmentation (or death) of the ego and the ego will do whatever it takes to preserve itself!

However, the good news is…

Self-evolution begins when we are ready and willing to look within and heal all that may be standing between righteousness and happiness.

People on high evolutionary paths are willing to be wrong and willing to choose their battles.

So with this new perspective, I’d like you to circle back to the list above and humbly ask yourself, “Is this me?”

And here’s where it gets really good!

Once we heal in ourselves what we are judging most in others, we naturally stop being aggravated and annoyed by them. Our new healed position replaces annoyance with compassion because we begin to understand their behavior on a much deeper level.

Their “right fighting” might still be present, but our experience will shift from judgment to observation which will give us opportunity to respond to them in a much higher way.

So the next time you find yourself or another person battling to be right, ask yourself this:

Is it vitally important to my health and well-being to be right or can I sit this one out?

Kristen Brown is the founder and Page Admin of Sweet Empowerment. Kristen learned (the hard way) to heal her unworthiness in order to step into a life of peace and empowerment. She is on fire to heal your wounds and step into your best life. Contact Kristen HERE to begin your journey to empowerment today.

20160617_131442-1_resized  LISA MARQUIS

If you’ve ever seen Dr Phil, you’ve probably heard the term “right fighter.” A right fighter is defined as someone who is more concerned about being right in a conflict or situation than they are about resolution that’s best for all. They have to be right, period. There is no compromise.

We all know right fighters. Some are more stubborn about their “rightness” than others, and will argue the most innocuous points! Their need to be right can be so uncomfortable that we feel the need to feign agreement, slink away, or play small to avoid confrontation. While this might keep the peace, it leaves us feeling not so good about them or the situation.

This issue is very personal to me. I grew up with a family of right fighters, and the need to be right was modeled to me all my life. It was normal to me. I knew what I knew and you weren’t going to tell me any differently. Being the youngest fueled this dynamic, as everyone else came before me, they knew it all, and I was determined to show them differently.

In my search for personal empowerment and peace, I’ve learned that for me, the need to be right comes from feeling unworthy inside.

If I’m right I feel worthy, validated, intelligent, accepted, so therefore I need to be right! I need that validation. If I’m right then I can’t be wrong, right? Yeah, right!

You’ve probably heard the phrase “would you rather be right or be happy?” Great question. Does it really matter if everyone thinks I’m right? And what if I’m wrong? Shouldn’t I just be happy?

I’ve been humbled time and again, having discovered a conversation or argument where I wasn’t right about something I was so certain about! At some point the truth dawned on me or somehow I found out that I erred in my thought process. Still, that didn’t change my need to be right. My auto pilot of “rightness” was alive and well.

In recovery programs like AA, it is said:

“What you live with you learn, what you learn you practice, what you practice you become.”

This was so true for me, and I brought this behavior of needing to be right well into adulthood. I projected my own insecurities and feelings of low self-worth onto others, and oftentimes it manifested itself as the need to be right.

I’m still working on this and my feelings of unworthiness and inadequacy. It’s not an easy task after so many years of letting my ego run the show.

When I find myself in that “need to be right” space, I try to stop and consider the situation. Is it really necessary to force my opinion on others? Can I let it go? I pause, think, agree to disagree if need be and learn from the situation.

What I’ve learned is, being right isn’t as important as being peaceful or happy.

Lisa Marquis is a Hair Stylist, Truth Seeker and aspiring Author! If you would like to follow Lisa on her Facebook biz page, click here: Straight Up Hair

Sue BIO  SUE MARKOVITCH

It’s election year. As someone who spends time on social media for business and pleasure, I see a lot of political discussions going on. What comes to light is some people desperately need to be right.

My older brother was here from Texas last week. I hadn’t seen him in four years, but we are connected on Facebook. He has lots of political opinions, so I was a little nervous when we got into a deep conversation about the world, faith and justice. What I found, though, was an extremely respectful conversation. He asked me about my views, then listened. He didn’t interrupt me. He didn’t call me an idiot or raise his voice. He didn’t try to make me feel wrong. In his love for me, he was authentically seeking to understand my views.

It was fucking awesome!

I felt heard and loved and validated, even though we do not share specific faiths, or candidates. I believe he felt the same way.

Not all conversations go that way. Things escalate as one response leads to another response and no one actually hears anyone. I’ve come to believe a few things about people who need to be right.

  1. Be Willing To Hear

People who need to be right are actually people who desperately long to be heard. Am I willing to show up in love and just hear them? Does the conversation have to be a debate, or can I, with authentic curiosity, seek to know this person and why they hold the beliefs that they do? I am learning to do that, knowing that I have people who can then hold space for me and hear me, without debate.

  1. Healthy Boundaries

Sometimes, we need healthy boundaries to keep from being pulled down into the lower vibe conversation of who is right and who is wrong. I am always willing to tell my story, but my faith is not up for debate. I can’t prove to you that God exists or that one candidate or party will lead better than another. So sometimes I choose to bow out, or change the subject. I’d much rather talk about eighties music anyway!

  1. Damn You, Projection

The most important thing to remember, when I start thinking about this person or that person needing to be right, is owning that projection. Meaning, if I see the need to be right in another, to the extent I am judging and pointing it out, I’d better quickly own that I have a need to be right. If I didn’t, it would not be a hot button of judgment for me. They are the trigger. The issue is in me.

Once I own my need to be right, I can begin to heal. I am empowered to see things differently. I no longer engage in debate, as much as radical love for my fellow brothers and sisters. I can listen with the intent to simply understand. I can be with a different point of view and stay rooted in love. I can put my relationships above my need to be right and feel heard, and make the miraculous shift from fear to love. In doing so, I become an empowerment warrior in the healing of this broken, hurting world.

Sue Markovitch is an empowerment warrior and writer in Columbus, Ohio. Her book, I Know What to Do, I Just Don’t Do It is available on Amazon. She works with women over 40 to reclaim their personal power to live a life of integrity. Sign up for her weekly newsletter at www.clearrockfitness.com.

KelliHeadshot  KELLI DAVIES

We’ve all encountered that person who’s done everything and knows everything. They might even ask you a question and then argue with you about the answer! Dealing with people who always need to be right is exhausting and frustrating.

In this current age of social media access, now more than ever, people feel the need to express, post, and tweet their views/opinions about any and everything. Inevitably, someone with the opposite viewpoint is going to comment, and before you can blink, it’s turned into a full blown social media brawl.

Why would anyone spend so much time and energy arguing with people on social media?

Because they need to be right. They’ve taken such a rigid stance on what they feel to be true, they lack being open to seeing things from another perspective.

When dealing with these situations, ask yourself questions, questions, and more questions!

How important is this issue in the grand scheme of things?

Do I really want to engage in this debate?

Are they open to understanding my perspective?

Do I need to be understood or am I trying to win?

What is it going to cost me to be right?

Usually, I only have these conversations with people that I know to be open minded and rational. If you know from past experience that the person you’re dealing with lacks the ability to be open to truly hear you, then you must decide if it’s worth the energy to engage. 

Sometimes you have to communicate to the person what you need from them. You might have to say, “I need for you to put yourself in my shoes and understand where I’m coming from”. It might be an obvious thing to do in your eyes, but not everyone thinks that way.

When you lack the ability to see things from another person’s perspective, not only do you alienate those around you, but there is also a lack of the ability to be compassionate. We could all spend more time seeking to understand things that we oppose/disagree with or don’t have knowledge about, and less time convincing people why we’re right.

I believe that having this mindset will create peace and harmony in your relationships.

Kelli Davies has spent over 20yrs working as an aesthetician/makeup artist whose current work home is Prova Salon in Scottsdale, Az. Kelli is a church-going, intuitive, spiritual gangster!  Kelli’s spiritual journey has invoked a deep passion in her to encourage and speak life into others.