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Why Your Boundary is Not Working

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“I keep setting boundaries, but they are not working!” Said the distraught and frustrated person.

Boundaries are often misunderstood and therefore, improperly used. Thus, having little to no effect on the disrespectful or hurtful situation you are trying to remedy. So, let’s have a little Boundary 101 lesson on what boundaries are, why they are not working and how to set them effectively.

Step One – Setting a Word Boundary  

This will look something akin to…

“I feel disrespected when you often make me the butt of your jokes in social settings. I’m requesting that you please stop doing it.”

Your person will respond in one of two ways:

(a.) Understand and honor your request which allows both parties to continue forward happily. Or…

(b.) Disregard your request and continue to do it.

With response (a.) you’re good to go!

With response (b.), unfortunately, you’re not finished yet…

Many people think a boundary is set only with words and if you’re lucky, it will be. But if our person chooses to disrespect our Word Boundary, we must be prepared to back up our words with action.

Step Two – Setting an Action Boundary

The difficult part about Action Boundaries is oftentimes the most effective action/boundary we could choose may be the hardest or scariest one to set. We are terrified what might happen or what we’ll lose if we stand behind our words with action. Thus, we repeatedly use words over action in a feeble attempt to feel “safe” by disrupting as little status quo as possible. This is where we become the most frustrated.

Ugh… I don’t want to go further with this. Why can’t my person just heed my [word] boundary?!

The answer is simple. Because your person is not motivated or has reason to introspect or adjust him/herself. (Self-reflection is something many people avoid like the plague unless motivated or inspired to do so) Additionally, you have shown your person over time that your worn-out words mean nothing. They can continue to say and do as they please because there are no consequences.

what you allow

By providing a “consequence” or action behind your boundary, you will provide the necessary motivation and inspiration to introspect because they will lose something of value if they continue with the same behavior.

Setting healthy Action Boundaries is in direct proportion to our level of self-worth. When we have a healthy self-worth in place, a firm boundary is easy-er because our joy, worth and value are not reliant on another person.

Healthy self-worth says: I understand my value and won’t allow another person to minimize it no matter what. My job is to take care of me.

When we are continually hurt or disrespected, we have two choices only:

Put up with the crap. Yay, I get to live with this for eternity.

Or

Remove yourself or something from the relationship/situation until your person acquiesces to your respect request. There is hope this situation will change!

Action Boundary Sample:

 “I will no longer attend _______ with you because I will not put myself in position to be disrespected by being the butt of your jokes.”

And don’t attend again.

Ever.

Unless or until Mr. or Mrs. Disrespectful stops making you the butt of his/her jokes.

Are you getting the picture here?

For a Boundary to reign success, the offender must feel a consequence of their action. Otherwise, they will have no reason to introspect into why he/she is being a shit in the first place.

Boundaries Serve Both Parties

The best and most awesome part about boundary setting is it can serve both parties. Our boundaries and clear sense of self-worth can shine light on our person’s dependencies, controlling tendencies or disrespectful behaviors and potentially start them on their own healing path.

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It’s important to remember what others are doing is oftentimes a pattern set in place long ago and they may not even be aware how detrimental their behavior is. When they begin to receive the message enough, they will eventually have little choice but to take a good hard look at themselves.

Above all else, remember this…

If words are not working, back them with action.

 You matter.

You always have.

They will not respect you until you respect you by setting a boundary that says: I’m worth more than that!

Get it?

I knew you would.

Your Hair May be Telling the Story You’re Not

hair-loss

I have blissfully spent the last 27 years as a hairstylist. I even dropped out of college to embrace my passion. However, this post is not about my career choices, it’s about the common denominator I have discovered among my female clientele who experience chronic hair loss for no known medical reason.

And boy, oh boy, they are always shocked at the remedy I have for them.

I am not a doctor nor do I ascribe to be. (Always consult a medical professional if you are experiencing changes in your body) However, I am a tried and true researcher in my field. I was born fascinated with psychology and the human experience. By nature, I ask a lot of questions and I have come to see many connections/patterns emerge with common struggles that people have over my almost three decades working closely with the public.

What I am about to share is a fascinating tidbit I discovered along my path regarding random chronic hair loss among women, and it is something your own hairdresser may not even know.

For those of you who have experienced random chronic hair loss or patchy balding (alopecia areata) and have undergone extensive testing with your doctor (For example but not limited to: thyroid, adrenals and hormones) and the results were normal, I venture to say you might be suffering from chronic anxiety.

Chronic anxiety is running rampant in our society these days and many people are darn good at hiding it to the world. However, your intense desire to maintain an acceptable facade to the outside world could be causing you great internal distress.

Ladies, your hair may be telling the story you are not.

The sad part is many people are too ashamed to admit what is truly going on inside of them and their lives. They are embarrassed to admit they are scared, anxious, fearful and/or their life is imperfect. They would prefer something biological being the problem than something emotional so they can continue to ignore and hide their shameful places.

When my clients come to me depressed and afraid because they are experiencing random chronic hair loss, I question them thoroughly about their medical testing first. When it appears that “everything is normal”, I delve into what is going on in their personal lives and how they are handling it (their emotional processing system).  Across the board without fail, female clients dealing with random chronic hair loss are struggling (often secretly) with large amounts of stress and anxiety.

The cause is not something physiological, it is emotional.

But here’s the good news, my stressed-out sisters, there is a tried and true remedy to help restore your body and emotions to homeostasis and stop your hair from falling out. It is easy, highly effective and does not cost a cent!

Express your emotions, fears and worries in a healthy way

  • Meditate daily
  • Create and maintain healthy boundaries
  • Exercise

Ladies, ladies, ladies, your body is desperately trying to get your attention. Your hair loss is only a symptom of a greater problem… chronic anxiety. And your chronic anxiety is only the symptom of an even greater problem yet… your lack of self-care.

The remedy is to make yourself a priority and take care of you.

Give yourself permission to be scared, anxious, fearful and imperfect and to speak it out loud! I promise you are not the only one dealing with spousal, child, work or money issues. In fact, I bet if you start to share your struggle, others would be willing to share theirs with you. You would soon discover you are not alone.

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Check in with these four anxiety causing areas:

Do I hide my thoughts and emotions?

 Do I withhold truth to keep the peace?

 Do I tread lightly not to offend or to avoid confrontation?

 Do I feel as though I have to do it all?

 If you answered yes to these questions, there is a huge disconnect between your mind, body and spirit. It’s time to admit you are about to lose it and you need help. Running yourself into the ground is not going to help yourself or those you love.

You can start by taking a deep breath and saying these words out loud until you feel the truth of them:

I cannot do it all. It is okay to ask for help. My worth is not determined by being perfect.  

You may be fooling the outside world, but you can never fool your inside world.

To all of you trying to be perfect to deem yourself worthy of love, it’s time to stop. Living within the constructs of unworthiness will inevitably show up negatively in your life in some capacity.

allareimperfect

Nothing “out there” is ever going to make you feel accepted and loved other than your own self-acceptance and love.

And here’s how that looks:

  • Honor your feelings
  • Speak your truth
  • Set healthy boundaries
  • Tell people how you feel
  • Be authentic in word and deed
  • Give authentic Yes’s and No’s
  • Give yourself mental breaks (meditation)
  • Calm your heart (deep breathe)
  • Soothe your body (exercise, massage, baths, healthy food)
  • Speak loving, grace-filled words to and about self

Your worth has never been about how perfect you are and it never will be. God doesn’t make mistakes and you were not his first.

It’s time to stop hiding your truth and honor all of who you are. Stand up and say, “I need help right now and it’s okay!” Open your heart, use your voice and know there are better ways to deal with stress. The world is full of great wisdom and healing.

Go find it!

Always consult a medical professional if you are experiencing physical or emotional changes in your body.

 

Ladies: Is Your Number Getting too High?

tic marks

I learned the pop culture term number from the young adults in my life. In today’s language, it refers to the amount of people we’ve had sex with. The mere fact that this is a thing within our youth, says a lot. People are always paying attention to how we conduct ourselves sexually.

Society has seemingly made promiscuity okay for men, but multiple partners takes on a completely differently meaning for women. Throughout the centuries, one might typically be called a whore or a slut if her number is too high suggesting she is giving away the “cookie” (as Steve Harvey refers to it) too often and easily.

However, I see a high number in a completely different way. So, let’s take the words whore and slut out of this conversation because judgment will only interfere with this very important message.

Without even knowing you personally, I can bank on a few reasons why you continually give up the cookie too soon:

  1. You believe sex will secure the relationship.
  2. You believe a man’s sexual desire for you means he is interested
  3. You have no idea how truly valuable you are.

Most men are driven by a primal need to disperse his seed. It is built into his physiology to procreate. He is easily turned on visually and when touch is added, he’s quickly pushed to the point of no return. Most often he will do or say anything to get what his body is craving. Remember the Meatloaf song “Paradise by Dashboard Lights?

Considering these hard facts, it’s almost stupid how easy it is to get a man to have sex with you. (To be frank, it’s really no great accomplishment)

Then once in throes of tongues, thrusts and sweat, the cookie-giver tends to think: Look how much he wants me. I’m special and different than all the other women. He won’t be able to live without me!

Until he loses interest and stops calling. Ouch.

goodbye

Why? Because to a man sex is never about securing a relationship. Period.

There’s a sad truth afoot here, ladies… men can pretty much get their rocks off with anyone, even with himself.  You are not special and you are not different than any orgasm before you.

At least not yet!

When we have sex with a prospective partner too soon, we mistake his sexual desire for love and affection. Sure, he may think you are cute and funny, but he hasn’t even gotten to know you. All that happened was you provided an outlet for his innate primal desire.

Even if he does stick around for a bit, he hasn’t connected to your personality, your values or your soul. He wasn’t given the time. The only thing that’s been established is you are willing to screw. Is that really what you want your worth to be judged by?

I didn’t think so.  Please read on.

The point when a man truly connects with and commits to a woman does not come from sex. It arises organically when the woman keeps a steady pace of abstinence until the man has earned the right to be with her.

I’m not making this up. Any emotionally healthy, self-aware man will tell you this.

Emotionally healthy men are highly attracted to and stay with women who are confident, know their worth and formulate healthy boundaries for him to honor and respect.

Unless or until you start treating yourself as valuable, your number will continue to increase without the payoff of a lifetime partner you so desperately crave.

Let’s break this down into 3 Simple Truths:

Simple Truth #1:

Your vagina is not your worth.

 If you could readily adopt that idea, I’d stop writing right now. But chances are you don’t yet fully understand.

Stop listening to the BS society and the media throws at you. Your eyebrows, hair, clothes, toenails and fancy Cirque de Solei sex positions is not what secures an emotionally healthy man. He may enjoy those things, but they will not ensure a lifetime commitment. Sure, there are superficial dudes out there who only care about how you look on his arm, but all you will ever be is a thing to make him feel better about who he is.

Not really what you’re looking for is it?

Simple Truth #2:

A man wants a woman who is authentic, open-hearted and acts in alignment with her own worth.

After years of poor choices and behaviors stemming from my own unworthiness, I learned a man is truly looking for a woman to feel safe with. Yep, you heard me! He craves safety and intimacy just like you do.

A woman tossing out the cookie left and right does not yield safety I assure you.

A safe woman is one who understands her value and is willing to act in accordance with her worth thus becoming a shining beacon amidst a tumultuous hurricane of cookies flying everywhere.

When a man feels authentic truth, self-worth and integrity within a woman, he will do what it takes to secure her to him. This is the point she becomes special and different. And if he doesn’t, he is not a man of integrity and you should move on as fast as possible.

Simple Truth #3:

Men desire connection and safety just as much as women.

An emotionally healthy man will choose a woman who makes him feel safe over a flamboyant romp in the sack every time.

Have you ever stayed in a relationship too long waiting for him to commit only to watch him marry the next woman he meets? What did she have that you didn’t? Oftentimes, a man doesn’t even know what he is looking for until that glowing, confident, self-assured women whirls into his life. She can be a game changer for even the most steadfast of bachelors.

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Sisters, there is a way out of the ever increasing “numbers” game and into the arms of a wonderful man so listen up.

Step One: Recognize you have a pattern of giving up the cookie-too soon.

Step Two: Let yourself off the hook. You are not a whore. You have only mistakenly believed that you could gain love by offering your body. Give yourself grace and forgiveness for acting in a way that did not support your highest self.

Step Three: Stop dating until you do the work to heal your self-worth and unequivocally know you are able to protect and support your sacred self in your next relationship.

And always remember there is nothing more attractive and stimulating to an emotionally healthy man than a woman who values herself.

Courage is Fear Walking

Courage is fear walking.

Courage… is fear walking.

Courage IS fear walking.

I was raised in a house and neighborhood full of boys. If I hesitated for a moment to do that “scary” thing they were planning I was left behind. They didn’t wait for me or try to talk me into it, they just left.

I learned very early in life my choice was to jump in or regret that I didn’t.  (When I say “scary” I don’t mean anything dangerous)

One of the blessings of my upbringing was learning to feel the fear and doing it anyway.

And the most magical part is I was always so glad I did! Ironically, the “scary” part always turned out to be fractional to what my mind imagined it would be. Secondly, instead of walking away feeling like I shouldn’t have done it, I always felt exhilarated to do more! Acting fro a courageous place boosted my confidence and inspired to get out there and experience more!

This practice showed back up in my life about 7 years ago when I was asked to be a guest on a live morning show here in Phoenix. Even though I had a massive fear of public speaking, I did not want to feel regret for saying no. I said yes, then completely freaked out! But even though I was petrified, I didn’t back out. That morning I went before a studio audience and five cameras the size of Wooley Mammoths aimed directly on me.

And the magic of my childhood happened again. When my 5-minute segment was over I felt like jumping off the stage with my arms and legs stretched out like a jack while screaming: YES!!  That was awesome!! I want to do that again!!! (I was invited back 3 more times)

My drive to teach empowerment on a larger scale began in that very moment. Now I write for huge online magazines, have an awesome coaching practice and was invited to appear on the TD Jakes show on the Oprah Winfrey Network all because I said yes to something that scared the begeezus out of me 7 years ago.

Siblings, It is time to stop procrastinating and do that thing you deeply desire to do. Life is not going to wait for you or try to talk you into it. It is your job to cultivate your courage and get walking! A life of no regrets is the best life ever!

Much Love,

KB

How to Develop a Growth Mindset

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Open Your Mind to New Information

 All change is spawned from a desire to experience something different in our lives. The desire provokes information seeking and the new information allows us to adopt a new perception and alter the way we’ve been responding/reacting/behaving to situations in our lives. But we cannot activate forward movement if we have closed our minds to new information.

I coach a lot of people. The ones successful in their healing are the ones who open their minds to new information. They have realized what they know is not working and they must acquire additional knowledge in order to change things up.

A change in perception creates a change in direction.

We need to be willing to get rid of what was not working (our old way of thinking) and replace it with a new thought and a willingness to do things differently. We do that by educating ourselves in the areas we are seeking to change.

A closed mind and/or general stubbornness will always block any chance we have of moving forward and changing our lives. That is why the most important thing we need to do is learn to open our minds and release the need to control by doing it “all my way.”

To initiate change, we must first understand that we are the only authority over our lives. Even though we are taking in new information, that does not necessarily make it gospel. After educating ourselves with new knowledge and wisdom, we must process the information through our own being, our own soul and decide what feels right and true for us. The only way to tell what to keep and what to toss is by soul discernment – running the information through our inner knowing.

We will know when we have hit the right perception because it will resonate deep inside our being. It will feel good, inspiring and might even bring a sense of relief or tears. Yet again, remember the truth cannot resonate if we have closed our mind. Our block will only continue to deflect the truth coming our way and we will remain stuck.

Additionally, the truth may not always be what we want to hear. Again, this is where soul discernment comes in. You might hear yourself saying: I know what I need to do, it’s just hard/scary to take that step.

Rest knowing that just because you have gained a new perception, it doesn’t necessarily mean you must make a massive leap immediately. Sometimes we have more learning and growing to accomplish before we are prepared to take the necessary step. Trust that you will know when the time is right for you. In the meantime, keep your mind open and soak up all the knowledge and wisdom you can!

Daily Mantra:

My heart and mind are open to new knowledge and wisdom.  And so it is.